Know the Feeling

Not very long ago, a friend texted me:

Miks, tanong ko lang ha.. ano ba talaga meaning ng 'stoked'?

My head went around in circles thinking of an answer, and so I just replied:

"When you finally get to try surfing or wakeboarding or skating, you'll know."

According to Mr Webster,

stoked
adj. Slang

1. Exhilarated or excited.
2. Being or feeling high or intoxicated, especially from a drug.

He doesn't mention anything about sports.. he probably never surfed.

Now before writing this, I thought to myself, who am I to define the word? I'm no professional. Sure, I can catch a wave, I can ride the wake, and I can skate a bit, but I won't claim to be the all-knowing advocate for stoke.

All I know is, I've felt it. I felt it the first time I felt my board glide across the water with me standing on it, I felt it when I finally landed a ramp attempt in the cable park. I felt it when I skated down that dreaded Pili corner and lived to tell about it (with a bunch of scars to support my story). I even felt it the first time I lifted off the ground with my pole (when I was learning to Pole Vault back in college), I feel it everytime I jump off a cliff, and I felt it when I first touched a turtle while diving.

Maybe it's just a feeling of accomplishment, or a pure adrenaline rush. I've read articles even trying to study the exact chemicals in the brain that produce the feeling, and even the author found it difficult to conceive.

Anyway, this is my feeble attempt:
I think it's a feeling of temporary ecstasy/exuberance brought about by a feat you never thought you could or would do... with an addictive property that will keep you eternally hungry for more.

It's the feeling that brought forth extreme sports, competitions, and billion-dollar industries. It's the feeling that started the company I work for, and it's the reason the company lives on.

It's true when they say that the beginners who stand up for the first time can be just as stoked as those psychotic surfers who drop down 40ft faces and come out alive with the biggest smiles on their faces.Whatever it is, it's a feeling that should be shared and passsed on from one person to the next... to add a little less stress and bring a whole lot more joy as we each strive to breathe through our lifetimes on this awesome planet.



Ok, I'm done now.

Water Sentiments

It's a daily struggle to live in a world of people. It adds a totally different factor to the things you get into. I try surfing for instance, and yet am intimidated by the people already into the sport... then there's that pressure of fitting in with the "community", even if you totally suck and you try your best not to be another poser. And then you shove it off and remind yourself that you don't care what people think, and you get into the water and paddle your way to the lineup thinking you're gonna surf because you want to have fun in the ocean and you wanna get better at it. And then you get to the line up and everyone is there with pretty much the same reasons and you're all fighting for the chance to have that magical ride and you end up not riding at all because you don't want to get in the way of anyone better than you. And so you end up paddling back to a friendlier spot where the waves are smaller and people are struggling just as much as you. You catch an easy wave or 2, feel the stoke, feel proud of yourself as you paddle back to wait for another one. You smile once in a while at the stranger next to you, then you catch another wave. Before you know it, 4 hours has passed and your skin is nice and toasted. As you catch another wave and lose count, you feel you've earned your spot in the line up, and then you stop worrying, you stop caring what they think.

I don't know about you, but this is how I feel in a crowd. Perhaps I'm too hard on myself. I probably have it all wrong, but I say it out loud anyway.

I wanna surf again... in an empty line up... with just me and the water... no other factors.

Must learn to Cook.

From now on I'll be adding more pictures to this blog. It just makes it prettier.

As of May 26, 2008, I hopped on the healthy living train. Been refraining from beef and pork, exercising when I can, and avoiding the carbs at night. Ok, vanity is part of it, but mostly I just prefer being healthy.

I spent last weekend in Real, Quezon for a simple and short-lived surf trip with a group of vegetarians. No meat, just fresh veggies, fruits, whole wheat bread, soy milk and fibre. I love how we each prepared a meal for everyone. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to help with any of the cooking since I didn't have time, and I know absolutely nothing in the kitchen. I'm proud to say that I prepared our dessert that night though, and if it's anything I know about food, it's dessert.

Graham crackers, peanut butter, bananas, and Choco-choco! With added calligraphy to seal our weekend-long friendship.

We didn't do much apart from surf... didn't talk much either... and the weather was horrible...

But for some reason I had a really really good time.

Faith

I realized last night that I do believe in God...
Because in moments of despair
right before you feel completely and utterly alone,

... you just don't.

Reply

Hi love. Thanks for sending me this entry. It just goes to show that we are still in the stage where we communicate openly and honestly, and I hope that never ever changes. Anyway this is gonna be quite long but bear with me please. I’ve never shared this with anyone else.

I’ve always been one to question religion. I was never a big fan of it. I clearly remember one of the most interesting discussions in high school when one of my radical teachers introduced Nietzsche and his whole “God is dead” idea. After growing up surrounded by rosaries and Christian Living Education, it was shocking, somewhat disturbing, yet totally interesting to hear anti-religious ideas like that. And then we began studying other religions, which drew me to Buddhism and especially Taoism. The way I saw it was, if the majority of the world believes in other gods not named Jesus Christ, who are we to say Christ is the way, the Truth, and the Life? That was the start of my detachment from being a Roman Catholic.

Believe me when I say that we share mostly the same beliefs. We’re both skeptics, basing conclusions on facts that have been tested and proven. It’s why we love the Discovery Channel. It’s why we get along so perfectly well.

Why do we base ideas on facts? It’s just easier, it’s certain. It’s what is quantifiable, visible and just plain real. And being perfectly logical human beings, it’s only natural to rely on reason and logic… although your thoughts are explained way more methodically than mine.

However, unlike you, there came a point during my collegiate years in Ateneo (I make it sound as if that was so long ago.. hehe) where I came to peace with Religion and Christianity and Catholicism. And this is one of the things I appreciate most from going to ADMU, because I don’t know if this would’ve happened if I went to any other school, especially UP. I share this with you not to preach nor impose. It just explains where I come from and since we do think rather similarly, maybe it’ll help you find answers to questions you never even knew you had.

GOD DIDN’T CREATE MAN. MAN CREATED GOD.
The skeptic in me agrees with the statement. I believe man created religion to have answers to questions not meant to be answered. It was supposed to be a tool of hope, a tool that forms communities, uniting everyone to surrender to a higher being, because no man should think he is higher or more deserving than anyone else. The existence of the idea of God humbles us all under the same roof. And man definitely needs humility. Unfortunately, the Church is imperfect because man is imperfect. Its initial function was lost in the middle of evangelization and moneymaking. Religion in the most ideal world could do good. Whether or not it still works in today’s world, I don’t know anymore.

It is true that from a historical point of view, religion has divided the world more than united it. Most of the early wars were because of religious conflict, and the Catholic Church has one of the highest murder rates of all. (Do they beat the Holocaust though? I dunno) And I see how the Church has become one huge money-making operation and the so-called “opium for the masses”. For these reasons and more you really can’t blame people for not believing in organized religion. I know I was never a fan.

Then I opened myself to the fact that maybe there was more to it than that. I thought, before I reject Christianity altogether, I should at least study it, understand it, and make sense out of it, so I can fully KNOW it. It would be sad to reject something you don’t fully understand. So I explored the very roots of where this giant institution came from – logic, faith, wonder. This was during my Theology classes in college. It was probably my better sense of maturity that allowed me to study the topics as if they were fresh. I read the readings with the urge to make sense out of it. I thought to myself: Theologians and scholars are perfectly intelligent people, I have to understand what makes them think and believe what they do. I doubt their faiths were formed blindly. There had to be some mental process involved. The thing I appreciated most from Theology is not that it stressed that we believe in Jesus Christ and the Church—it was that we were recognized as beings blessed with reason and logic, and it is precisely that reason and logic that will lead the way to find God.

I already told you that I learned to appreciate the Catholic Church after learning about Liberation Theology. The reading by Jon Sobrino I wanted you to read can pretty much explain everything I understood to be true about Catholicism. I hope you do find time to read it.

Sure I finally made sense out of Catholicism. This blog entry will say so http://beachbum714.livejournal.com/70187.html. I found a logical reason to believe in a certain aspect of what the Church is there for. And we’ve talked about this several times before. It doesn’t mean that I’ve become a devout Catholic, but there’s a part of Christianity I’ve come to appreciate.

As for Christianity and the whole Born Again movement… I do get offended when you make fun of it. I may not agree with everything they believe and I don’t see myself making the commitment to their church, but like I said, I admire them for their conviction and their amount of faith. I personally know several of the pastors and the active people who run the organization, and I’ve come to know their overly friendly culture as well. They don’t deserve to be mocked, that’s all.

Who is Jesus to me?
I believe he is someone who supposedly existed and if the Bible is true (which of course we can’t be certain either) made a huge impact during his time—an impact so lasting that it trickled down to 2000 years later, forming not one but several movements we call religion that have changed (and I daresay “saved”) the lives of millions around the world. The character the Bible created showed the perfect example for what it means to LOVE which every goodhearted imperfect person will live his life to imitate, making the world a better place. – that’s what I appreciate about Jesus. As for his divinity, honestly, it really isn’t important to me.

The truth is, even if I appreciate what he’s done, it doesn’t mean I have faith. I still don’t get it. If I did, I would share the faith of the faithful – that Jesus is a living force – a father, a friend, brother, lover, etc. What drives the Born Again Church is not the doctrines – they come together to celebrate the personal relationships they have with Jesus as their God. It’s all about the personal relationship. I haven’t fully defined that relationship in my life yet. Maybe because I haven’t reached any craters in my life where I lose the will to live. Maybe I never felt I needed a relationship with God. Whatever the reason, it’s why I still don’t pray on a regular basis.

And so I remain afloat… believing in Love and the goodness of people… believing that I am here for a reason… born with more blessings than I can handle, to which the only person I can thank for that is something or someone I like to call God. As for a proper name for him, be it Jesus or Buddha or Brahma or whatever, I am still open to suggestions. But I will continue to strive to be a good person, to use my talents and skills to make the world a better place, to live simply and to acknowledge the intrinsic good in all that is living.

THAT is what makes me happy. And after that last sentence I can just scrape out the novel I just wrote and say: “WHATEVER MAKES YOU HAPPY”.

I STOP NOW.

I miss writing.

I miss writing.

I read people's blogs and I admire their ability to dig down deep and poetically express their emotions and ideas. Everyday I sit in front of this damn computer for work, and my time has been dominated by Excel sheets, catalogs, Facebook and Wordtwist. Absolutely no outlet to release the very little creative juice I have inside me, and as I write less, I feel the juice drying up to the point of dehydration.

Did that even make sense?

But I haven't stopped thinking. It has been the curse and driving force of my meager existence on this imperfect planet. I think about my current state, where I'm going, and if I'm happy. I think about the people around me, whether they're happy. I think about the stranger still, whether he still has the willpower and hope to be happy despite his unfortunate situation. I still question the role of the Higher Being i.e. God in my life. I wonder if I've fulfilled my life roles appropriately...

As an employee, I diligently go to work and constantly try to impress.. which is degrading, frustrating, and unmaximizing.

As a girlfriend, I try to remain a good person, to make it easiest for him to keep on loving me, as I do my best to love him the way he deserves.

As a daughter and a sister, I owe my family my time... and I hate that I do not have the will to make enough time for them. Maybe it comes with growing up. I know I'll probably regret it one day...

As a friend, I hope they don't take it against me that I spend less time with them.


My love language is definitely Quality Time. I show my love best by the time I give and spend with that particular person, activity, or pet :p Makes me wonder: if my the amount of my love is measured by the amount of time I give, then that makes it limited... because you only have so much time in a day to allot among yourself, your job, your relationships. Probably why I used to wonder if loving something more makes you love something else less. Or can you constantly grow your sphere of love?

Tis quite a complicated world I live in.. simply because I make it so.

Ok enough free flowing thought. Back to work.

Silky Smooth

With nothing to do with ourselves on a Monday evening, my insane boyfriend and I headed to Lay Bare Waxing Salon to get our very first Brazilians.

Sure, I've had my legs and armpits waxed before, so I have a relatively good idea of how much it hurts. But then I think every person has to go through a Brazilian at least once in their lives, and it was our time to do it.

Nervous? More than ever
Determined? YES!!

It would've helped if the ladies in the salon would've eased our discomfort by a few words of encouragement.. something like, "Don't worry, it won't hurt as much as you think" or "We have a special way to make it NOT hurt" or whatever will get my blood pressure down. But I guess they were just so used to doing it everyday that they didn't care if the customer was a waxing virgin or a masochistic regular. They probably have the worst job one could possibly have too, so I don't blame them for not giving a shit about me.

I've never been to a gynecologist, and so it was my first time to expose my most sacred parts to a total stranger. Just to make it clear, a bikini wax aka "Charlie Chaplain" is just the sides. A BRAZILIAN, is every single strand down there, yes, all the way around the ass.

Anyway I guess it's just a matter of getting past the initial discomfort and letting it happen. It gets even more unnerving when she tells you to turn on your belly so she can do around your friggin asshole. I asked her (in tagalog of course) if a customer's ever farted while she was doing this, she laughed and said "hindi pa naman". Hey, at least I made her laugh.

I, on the other hand, was laughing and on the verge of tears throughout the whole process. Of course it hurts. It hurts like a m*therf*cker, especially as she goes nearer to your most sensitive part that I need not name. There's a reason you have the option to go "Charlie Chaplain", and a very good reason indeed. I don't know if I could do it again.

WHY IN THE WORLD DID GOD GIVE US PUBIC HAIR IN THE FIRST PLACE?!! -- was all that was screaming in my head.

Well anyway, I finished it, and now it's a whole new world to me. Feels much cleaner, looks almost childlike (note: ALMOST), and its silky smooth.

I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like for a guy!!

Good luck to me when the hair begins to grow!

Updating my life's TO-DO list:

BRAZILIAN WAX, check!

Honing the People Skills

"Masyado kang mataas." (You're too high)

I finally sat down with my superior to discuss all the underlying issues concerning my performance (or lack thereof) in the company and our working relationship-- a heart-to-heart discussion I've been waiting for since I started working on my own, not knowing what the hell to do half the time.

So it turns out she wasn't clear as to what my role was, and neither was I. I was to report to her and to our President, but would end up talking to the President only since he was the one who consistently asked for updates. Apparently she was also waiting for me to come to her... we were waiting for each other.

She also didn't know how to handle me. She rules the office with an iron fist, telling everyone else what to do, scolding for mistakes, etc. But she never talked to me, never asked me what I was working on, where I was going, nada. She was under the impression that I felt I need not report to her since I could go straight to the big boss. She, and the rest of the office, were intimidated by me.

If in the US they worry about discrimination based on race or gender, here in the Philippines its all about the socio-economic heiarchy. The cancer of our society lies between the relationship between those more "well-off" and those who "have less options available to them". (Note the political correctness). It may also be between the english speakers and the tagalogs or the bisaya. Or maybe its between Ateneo and Lasalle vs the rest of the collegiate world. Whatever the main barrier is, it has to do with money and the culture differences brought about the availability (or shortage) of it.

I have always considered myself a middle-class citizen. To be more technical about it, maybe upper middle class. I don't live in a private subdivision, we own 2 cars, and I can't afford anything at Zara (or I choose not to purchase anything expensive.) I've always been in the frugal side when it comes to consumer choices.

So I had English as my first language. My parents also managed to enroll me in the better private schools, where I met most of my friends who belonged to the upper layers of the social pyramid. I stuck to english-speakers simply because I could communicate better. But when it comes to money issues, they know I'm just a cheap ass who'd rather eat in the food court than one of the restaurants upstairs. And I always viewed myself as someone who was more versatile when it came to people.

And so I was taken aback by my boss' comment, somewhat offended and amused at the same time. For the 11 months I've been in the company, I could not relate to anyone-- the english speaking upper management seemed too cool and consumeristic to have a real conversation, and the rest of the office, well, just didn't talk to me... for whatever reason.

And so I made the effort to break the ice by joining some of the staff in an after-work inuman in Edsa Central. Of course they were shocked to see "Ms. Mika" there with them, and I honestly had no idea how to place myself there. It's not that I considered myself higher than them at all. Heck, I was younger than ALL of them. I just had no idea to relay the message that I could hang out with them just like anyone else, without appearing too trying-hard nor condescending. As much as I stand for equality among anything else, I had no idea how to establish that with them. I was friggin out of place.. like I was back in high school.

The only reason I'm writing about this is because I haven't been placed out of my comfort zone in a while, and this is definitely one of those fortunate learning moments. Sure I had and still have nothing to talk about with them, but hopefully the mere fact that I sat down and shared a beer with them (even if I don't drink beer) is a good enough first step to melt the unnecessary ice.

Maybe next time I can bring out my corny jokes.

Back from the Islands

DISCLAIMER: This blog entry is written for myself, for personal documentation purposes only. You're not expected to relate, whoever you are.

Nine days in the remote island of Siargao well spent.. 9 days of supposed work, surf, explorations, parties, and personal encounters. I went there for the 2008 Billabong Cloud9 Invitational, thanks to the very fortunate coincidence that the company I work for sponsored it. However, I was able to extend my stay for more than the 7-day competition window, as I personally wanted to see more of the island, as well as spend time with friends there.

I'm only writing now to document quite an interesting trip it was for me personally. At that very moment I left for Siargao, there were several things I wanted to accomplish:

• for myself: surf with my new longboard for the first time (and get better at surfing)
• for job 1: help out with whatever work has to be done, although minimal
• for job 2: see and experience enough to accomplish a good travel article about the island
• for myself: overcome or maybe accomplish that sense of independence despite being in a relationship
• for him: spend time with him in his home turf.

With all of this in mind, the event ongoing, plus everyone who was there, including the very boyfriend I was trying to somewhat detach from, I ended up mixing around my 3 functions there, which resulted in a whirlwind of emotions bottled up inside me. I wanted to prove to my boss that I was useful and worth sending to the island, I wanted to experience the island without his help, I wanted to surf.

The trip had its major highs which involved either a good surf session or a pristine swim with stingless jellyfish, as well as major lows involving me breaking down at midnight and walking along the pitchblack road pissed off at myself for not being able to withstand certain sleeping conditions.

A big part of me forgot that I was there for the competition itself, because it meant sacrificing certain hours that could have been spent surfing or traveling around. It all came down on me when I missed the finals of the competition--possibly the most exciting finals EVER, as our very own local team rider won. I cried my heart out for missing it, and I guess this is me trying to figure out why I reacted so extremely.

Normally a trip to a place like this would mean consistently happy days, as you are always discovering, relaxing and having fun. Guess its different when other things are involved such as work.

Lesson learned: PMS is a bitch.

Magis my Ass.

This morning I dropped my sister to school. Its been months since I last entered the premises of my alma mater, and apart from some new buildings and cobblestone roads, NOTHING'S changed.

As I was on my way driving out, there was a Pajero in front of me, with an arm that sticks out of the right side and flicks a used cigarette onto the dry grass.

I drive ahead of it, and wasn't surprised to see 2 male students sitting in the front seats in shades with their windows down.

Anger, frustration, but mostly disappointment entered my head.

First of all, YOU SHOULDN'T BE SMOKING. It's a non-smoking campus. Thats what those "smocket gardens" are for goddamit.

Secondly, DON'T THROW YOUR BUTT ON DRY GRASS!! It's not just littering, it's DANGEROUS!! That's how forest fires are started you idiot.

Thirdly, (and this is for ADMU), whatever it is you're trying to teach your 1st-rate-educated-elite is NOT working. They are still as ignorant as ever.

Gaaaaaahhhhhhh.

Restlessly Happy

Jone Johnson Lewis:

The human condition is that we are individuals in relationship, and there are tensions between individuality and relatedness. A humanist spirituality is not one of complete dependence, nor of complete independence -- neither condition can be defended as primary. Rather, a humanist spirituality is one of interdependence.

How are you?

My consistent answer: "Restlessly happy"

Over the last 6 months, I've been in love with the Traveler. I mentioned him once and I'll update this blog today. This will explain why I've been missing from the online blog world for quite some time (despite my overly updated Facebook profile). Ironically, my recent entries were all celebrating my single life and how I told myself I'd stick to it for as long as I can. God really has a peculiar way of acting. He throws things at you before you even know you want it, before you even think you NEED it. I didn't want a relationship, yet I meet someone that seems to be everything I've ever dreamed of in a person. The romantic in me gave way. This one doesn't come around very often.

It's the first time I'm with someone with Marriage as the end in mind. It's no longer the temporary just-for-now-while-its-convenient-for-bo

th-of-us kind of thing. I hate that I've said this before, but this really is different, and for the first time ever, I can say this one will be hard to lose. I'm in this because I could be severely hurt, because he could be my first heartbreak... and of course, because we really do get along overwhelmingly well.

Here are a few of the many positive changes that have occured in the last 6 months. These are reasons I've been HAPPY lately, with myself and with him:

• Traveling out of town every chance we get.. Siargao, Camiguin, Baguio, La Union, Pinatubo, etc
• Friend network expansion, especially in the surf community
• Skateboarding - now one of my favorite pastimes.
• New ideas, new books, new movies
• I bought a surfboard -- my first 5 digit expense for myself
• I still get to wear slippers to work
• The security and comfort you get from loving and being loved

On the other hand, just like in economics, there are tradeoffs to everything. In exchange for my blossoming love life, I've also been RESTLESS for several reasons

• I've been away from my online blog semi-life for months.. only updating my handwritten journal when I rarely find time. (Haven't decided what this implies though)
• I haven't finished any of the books I started,
• I seen my family and Cucumberd friends less
• Much less external opportunities to find new hobbies
• Less drive to find a job abroad... (I still want to do it, but I'll admit less than before)
• Still lost career-wise, earning just enough to live day by day with very little savings.
• I still don't think I'm doing my job well at all...

For these reasons I told him I needed to be more independent... I feel as if I'm losing myself somewhat in the middle of all the happiness... if that's even possible. I miss my alone time, my not-needing-anyone-else-to-be-happy time. I miss time spent at home. I miss my Cucumberd friends. I miss reading, and I miss sports. I miss my drive to learn and the things I would end up doing due to boredom. Whether or not I can have these all while still being with him, I don't know.. which is why I asked for a few days off.

Whatever happened to my dreams of becoming a Marine Biologist? New idea: Take up Engineering and develop sustainable designs (inspired by 11th Hour). The treehugger in me has been poking me at the back of my head and I don't know what to do about it.

The Stranger

Dedicated to The Stranger

I step out of the comfort of my home and there you are.
I do not know you, you do not care to know me.
You knock on my window, forcing the heavy cloud of guilt through my veins.
You are feared, because you are unknown.

I grew up in a home where you were not acknowledged.
You are not my responsibility, as I am not your burden to bear.
My concern is my destination, my next task on my personal agenda.
And yet you always seem to show yourself, no matter where I go.

The truth is, I do acknowledge your presence.
You exist to me as another human being, with a mind, body and soul.
I see the mind behind the pitiful gaze, and I honestly wonder what you are thinking as you ask me for help.
Can you blame me for not giving anything?
Do you hate me for not giving?
Do you expect me to help you?

The scarier part of this all is that i think its not just me.
EVERYONE knows that you exist.
Sadly, everyone denies it.
They choose not to be burdened, not to feel bad for the life they live.
Other people can do it so easily, to go on their pursuit for happiness, the way they think they'll find it.
They can do it without your presence to pull them down.
I admire their strength, for I cannot do that.
I cannot sit comfortably in my car while your child is freezing in the rain.
I cannot enjoy a P200 meal when I know it's enough to feed your entire family.
And it makes it difficult for me to live like this.
Especially when I don't know what to do about it.
When there's nothing I can do about it.

This is me being totally honest, and totally alone.

Reliving Childhood

One of the things I like most about my job right now is the industry I'm in. I love that my work is people's play. We sell apparel and gear for wakeboarding, skating, or surfing -- which are things a majority of adults would only do to "get away" or "try something extreme" or "relive childhood". But to myself, and the select few out there, it's more than just something you do on a whim-- it's a LIFESTYLE-- and my lifestyle has definitely changed thanks to the circumstances my job has offered me.

Thanks to the things and people I've been exposed to, I now spend some of my weeknights carving along the streets of High Street or Forbes or Dasma on a longboard skateboard. I have 3 new blatantly visible scars on my arms and knees which resulted from my idiotic attempts to go down the big hills without any protection (not to mention lack of experience).



I remember spending my summer afternoons outside the house-- the lone little girl with glasses rollerblading with the boys, also attempting to jump over chairs, little bikes, going down stairs and what not. I would do 360s, 180s, etc. I was even convinced I could've made it to the X-games if I never stopped. (I was a cocky little girl)

After all my near-death incidents from longboarding, I decided to do the next "smart" thing--

I BOUGHT MYSELF A PAIR OF ROLLERBLADES!!
While all the itching surfers are getting their stoke fix from their Sector9's, I decided to go down those big hills on a pair of inline skates, just like I used to when I was 9 years old. Even though I'm probably the only female skater my age within a 10mile radius, at least I'm more comfortable with what I'm doing, and its back to rediscovering my old tricks. And it's a great way to burn those damn Krispy Kreme donuts in my growing tummy.

I told my mom I bought myself a pair of roller blades and she just said,

"Are you trying to be a kid again?!"


Hey, since when is that a bad thing?

And this is my goal for the coming months:




INSPIRATION!!!

Things of Value, Love included

A friend of mine centered his blog on the things we value in our lives. Each person has his own standards for what is valuable, and that determines not just his purchasing choices, but his life choices as well. Recently I got to thinking about this in relation to myself.

I always knew I was a stingy person. I don't spend much on clothes, magazines, or expensive food. I hate paying for parking, and you'll rarely find me at the mall on a leisure day. I never aimed to be rich, and I want to live a nice consumerist-free life in the province one day.

At first I thought it was because I hated money. But now that I think about it, I realized I value money VERY much, which is why I choose my investments carefully. I usually spend my money on my trips out of town, because that is what I love. The things that make me happy are what I value (just like everyone else), but luckily for me, they aren't that expensive. I try to find my happiness from things that wont cost me too much monetarily.

And then I started thinking about my relationship choices. (Brace yourself for an emotional entry.) I've had 3 relationships since I was 18 years old, and I was the one who ended all of them. Why? To answer it as simply as possible, he just wasn't the one. I deeply cared for every single one of them, yet I ended it because there was always something missing. (The problem when you have the traveler's personality is that you can't commit to anything because you know there's always something else out there waiting to be discovered. I'll save that for another blog.) Although I said "I love you" to these guys, I ended it for one reason or another. Maybe it wasn't love in the first place. It all depends on your personal definition, whatever it is. I can't be with anyone for more than a year because I have a list of musthaves and qualities needed. Call them high standards, fine.

Going back to things of value... who you decide to give your heart to is one of the most important investments you'll ever have to make in this lifetime. Can you blame me for being choosy? Before investing in a business, you'd have to make sure of certain things: the people running the business, the background of the company, and most importantly, the POTENTIAL for profit. You can't just choose any business and say "I've decided to invest in you, no matter who you are and what could happen." Unless you're some billionaire who can extract money from his ass.

I know love is a decision and a commitment, but I still have yet to find the right person who I can like, and trust enough to give myself to. Hey, it's all about the search right?

In other words, if you're so frustrated that you can't find the man of your dreams, it simply means you value yourself a lot. And don't ever give yourself up for anyone less than what you think you deserve.

Done.

MY Year of Yes

A few months ago, I read The Year of Yes by Maria Headley, which is a light comedic book about the author's escapades as she decides to say Yes to EVERY person that asks her out for a whole year. She gives in to an open mind and in the process, comes across some of the strangest and most interesting people, and also finds the man she marries in the end. And it's all based on a true story.

I never realized how much I was influenced by this shallow read, until I decided to sit down and list the people I've met over the past 6 months that I've been single. Needless to say, I consider them friends now, and as long as they're fine with just being friends, then I'm fine with them. To mention a few:

• The Lost Taken Guy. This guy was endorsed to me by his EX. He took me to an old bar with his older cousin/tito (which was fine, really). As if that wasn't weird enough, he had a girlfriend--which was fine by me (Thank God!!) So I was totally ok with everything, until he got a little too drunk and let me drive his car to bring myself home. And then he lingered while dropping me off, expecting me to invite him into my GRANDMOTHER's house. What for? I dont even want to know. No thank you.
  
• The Old Aussie executive from ADB. Old enough to be my father. Would not stop calling me at the office to invite me for lunch. Had lunch once to see what he wanted. It was a normal date, save for the fact that he was probably more than twice my age. Never returned his phone calls after that. It just felt wrong.
• The Politician/Party Boy. Belonged to the upper society group. Took me to fancy restos where we wore slippers cuz apparently he's a down-to-earth guy. Ex's included super celebrities and models. Nice guy, but I didn't want to be a "breath of fresh air" for this one. I didn't belong in his world.
  
• The Health Buff. Had a healthy dinner in a Japanese Restaurant. Eats wood for breakfast, counts the number of calories per gram per item of food he ate. Soccer and Fitness. Sorry no can do.
• The Celebrity. Knock Knock. (ME: Who's there?) Celebrity: Bok. (Bok who?) Bok bok. I'm a chicken! Hhahahaa!! Self-explanatory.
  
• The DJ. The best thing about hanging out with a radio DJ? They do all the talking. And they're pleasant to listen to. But I can't be romantically involved with anyone who speaks hiphop. Friends lang please :p
  
• Frenchie. Its the first time a foreigner MY age took interest in me. And I love engaging with foreigners. While I was nice enough to take him around the town and show him the beauty of my country like I always do, he was busy searching for the best way to stick his french tongue down my throat. It's just not how we do it in this country. Friends.

And then there were a few who turned out to be VERY interesting:

• Mr. CEO. Career-driven, a painter/writer/musician, athlete, reader, and family guy. He's too busy of course for anything else, which is a good thing. I enjoy his company simply because its always pure intellectual conversation without expecting anything from each other.
• The Traveler. Been all over the place. Also wants to settle down in the province one day. Self-sufficient and intelligent. Loves art and music. Doesn't carry a credit card. Basically fits the exact profile of my ideal person. And we're friends.
  

The last two people are still around, and I always enjoy their company. The best part about it is that we're all just friends and I don't have to worry about anything else. At this point in my life, the last thing I want is another relationship that starts off passionately romantic and then ends when I realize there's still more out there. Right now it's NOT about dating, but rather meeting all kinds of people. I'm all for network expansion now, and it's been quite an interesting year.

As for the one person I'm meant to be with, I'm letting time and chance determine everything by now. One day he will be more than a stereotype, more than a personality, more than a mere profile. Only time can turn him into a real person, and that's precisely what I'm counting on... whoever he might be.

COMPANIONSHIP

finding someone who is just as LOST as you are in this world of infinite uncertainty
someone who's on the same dot on the map
heading in the same direction
searching for nothing but finding EVERYTHING along the way
looking forward not to the destination, if any, but the PURSUIT.

your fellow wanderer, your partner in life.
- Mika Santos, June 2005

French Kiss

The best thing about being single and open minded is that you give yourself opportunities to end up in the strangest situations. For example? Accepting an invitation to a party from a French person you only formally met through Facebook. Why? I really was free that night.

So I dragged my best friend along and found ourselves in the 14th floor of a condominium occupied by French foreign exchange students drinking and chatting in the one european language I never got around to learn. Even the person who invited me there was a stranger to me, and I had to put on my best foreigner mingling skills, with added difficulty due to the language barrier. We survived--uncomfortable and misplaced-- but we survived.

THE NEXT DAY:
I find myself being the only Filipina amongst 4 Frenchies having some drinks in a bar. Misplaced again, I struggle to keep up with the conversation. Felt like their little toy. They were showing me how the French like to smoke and drink and just have a good time.

And they showed me how to French kiss.

There's a HUGE difference in culture between French and Filipinos. From the food we eat, to the language, to the standard social customs. To them a kiss is just a kiss and nothing more. The French girl leaned over and kissed me on the lips, right after kissing the 2 boys beside me, with her French boyfriend right next to her. They were drunk from all their Bangenges and I was cold sober (as I always am during these situations). I was just thoroughly amused at the situation, and at the same time the back of my head was telling me they were just fooling around with my ignorant non-french-speaking self. But it was educational for me, so it didn't matter.

So yeah. French Kiss now crossed of my list.

Adding new things to my Life's to-do list:

• Meet a French maid
• Meet a German shepherd
• Eat Swiss chocolate
• Drink Dutch milk
• French kiss

Any more ideas?

Somewhere in the Middle

I've always been a middle type of person-- middle child, average height, medium shirt size, even my hair now is mid-length. When I used to take personality tests in those teen magazines I would always end up with a result that fell between the 2 extreme scores. Even when it comes to friendship, I'd rather be the mediator than one of the 2 parties arguing.

Anyway what I really wanted to share is that I love being a middle class citizen. My family isn't what I would call financially thriving. We live in a simple house in Marikina, own 2 overused cars, 2 household helpers, never had a driver (my dad would drop us to school and pick us up every single day). My mom always taught me to stick to the basic necessities and boy, did I stick to that philosophy as I grew older. My friends who know me well enough know that I like to keep my life as simple as possible. I'm not exactly the best person to shop with at the mall cuz I'd probably just make you feel guilty about everything you buy for over P500. It happens.

A friend and I were chatting earlier about what to do with our lives. He recommended that i walk the corporate road for at least 2 years before I go on my own and start my own business or whatever. And I know he's right. But right now I'm still too young and idealistic to work for the sake of money. i told him that I don't mind what I'm doing for as long as it involves one or all of the ff: travel, sports, environmental and social responsibility. I want to do what they call Social Entrepreneurship, which basically refers to a business whose primary aim is some social/environmental good, apart from profit. And then there was the idea of making some luxury product that can only be afforded by the upper class, and then letting the proceeds go to some better cause. Sort of like what Starbucks is doing. I call it the modern-day Robin Hood method.

Apart from the youth, I think the hope of the nation lies in the middle class. You talk about the widening gap between A and E? Well C is that bridge. We have the advantage of seeing both perspectives from an unbiased position. I know that I don't want to be excessively rich, but I don't want to be poor either. I don't understand why everyone seems to be aiming for a spot on the very tiny tip of the social triangle, when there's so much space right below it.

Aristotle describes the key to happiness as the Golden Mean -- which is the desirable middle between two extremes, one of excess and the other of deficiency. In other words, it's about finding the balance between opposites. Even the Spice Girls had it all figured out when they said "Too much of something is bad enough". if it's anything I learned from my Philosophy of Morality classes, it's that.

What's my point? I guess I just want everyone to be happy where they are. For millions of people around the world, 3 full meals a day is all they have (and need) to be thankful for.

God, I still don't know what to do with my life.

Flying through Liquid Skies

Whenever someone asks me what one super power I could have, it was always Flying.

The most common question I get when someone finds out I was a Pole Vaulter: WHY POLE VAULTING of all sports?
My answer? It's the closest I'll ever get to flying.

And then someone asked me what I like most about scuba diving:
It's the closest I'll ever get to flying.

And you'll probably get the same answer when you ask a wakeboarder, a surfer, a gymnast, and maybe even a dancer. What is with my obsession with it? It's not like I ever wanted to be a pilot or an astronaut.

To explain it would probably be as difficult a surfer explaining the feeling of "Stoked". That's for a different blog altogether. Although maybe it is the same feeling. I don't know.

I just enjoy the feeling of going against obvious laws of Physics, or being in the air, even for a split second. With scuba diving, it's a very trippy feeling to be gliding over caverns, scaling 100ft walls of corals and fish, and just floating in infinite blue space. "Liquid skies" is the best term for it.

I had just came from an amazing dive trip at Apo Reef in Occidental Mindoro where we interrupted the underwater world and took a peak at the millions of species living in perfect harmony under the ocean surface. From green sea turtles to white tip reef sharks, to tuna much bigger than myself, it was yet another overwhelming experience to be down there. I truly love the feeling of flying through the liquid skies with them, in a world very far from my own, where you are totally vulnerable in the arms of Mother Nature herself.

Yesterday I went to mass on my own cuz it was easter and my parents were expecting me to go. I went into the very packed church (in my post-beach, post-12hour-travel attire) and stood in the crowd for about 10 uncomfortable minutes. I ended up stepping out and spending time in the chapel where they keep the exposed Blessed Sacrament. I always preferred that place in the church. So there I sat on my own, in complete silence, saying a very sincere THANK YOU to God for simply putting me on this earth, giving me a chance to witness the limitless wonders of His creation.

On Religion

It's interesting to read your own views 3 years ago, simply because you read on where you used to stand, and how it modifies itself after time. With Religion, which will always be a touchy subject no matter where you're from, I've always remained as open-minded as possible. We will never know the Absolute Truth until the moment we die. The idea is how we live our daily lives. Some find their happiness in Christ and the Bible, some follow the teachings of Buddha, and some choose to find it their own self-ruled lives. I believe in Love, and every flowery happy thing about it. It's all you need. It makes the world go round. And it is a many-splendored thing. At the end of every day, it's what makes me happy.
It's just not always easy.

Livejournal Post dated Jan 18, 2004 but still very much applicable today.

I just came from the 8pm mass in Christ the King. Once again i am inside the great Church on a Sunday to fulfill my weekly obligation as a catholic.
Is it really worth going to mass if you don't listen, you don't even sit inside the church, and if you're not even sure you believe in God in the first place?

I amuse myself. I don't pray at night--actually I hardly pray at all... my faith is as stable as a pyramid of elephants balancing on a ball. (i just watched Dumbo onDisney!Ü) I amuse myself because I still make it a point to attend mass everySunday.

Today i went to mass with my parents, my mom's mom who's visiting from the states, and my sister. For once, we sat on the pews. we were late once again though. (I don't recall the last time we ever made it to mass on time.) On the way to mass, I kept thinking to myself : we live in Marikina, yet we always choose to go toChrist the King instead of the churches near the house. Why? Convenience? Not quite. Well there's the aircon, the english speaking priest, and more chances of seeing a familiar face. But then don't these all defeat the purpose of worship? Whatever happened to sacrifice? It's not like i can even understand the priest right? I wonder how far religion will reach as time passes.. as the years go by, more and more people lose meaning in religion because of all the new ideas and philosophies the modern world is bringing.

Anyway this Sunday i realized why I still choose to attend this monotonous supposed celebration. Its one place i can gather my thoughts and think. Every time I'm in mass, my mind wanders off to places light years away.. sort of like the thoughts you get before you sleep. Its during mass that i have time to reflect on the events that have happened to me lately, the peopleI've been with, and my current state. So yes, the church has in its own way become my sanctuary and source of reflection... its always healthy to reflect on yourself once in a while.

I cant say i believe in god. Does that make me so bad a person? When i pray, its always, "if You're really there, thanks for everything."

During our 4th year retreat in Baguio, Fr Ed talked about how life is all about relationships... that there are 3 relationships you have to take care of as you live: first there's God up above. the second is the people around you, and the third is your relationship with yourself. Your goal is to maintain these relationships. And so i realized how I naturally chose to live--I take good care of the two concrete relationships: others and myself. These are what are here now. And so i still uphold the same values the church teaches about love of neighbors and yourself. I guess the only difference is my unknown relationship with god. Does that make me evil? One can never know.

I wanna be a taoist. The inner peace thing makes so much more sense. You don't focus on a god but rather, people. Also, if millions of people all over the world believe in ideas like reincarnation and nirvana, what makes them so wrong? I just don't fully agree when people say Christianity is the only way to salvation. But i doubt I'm changing religion.. don't see much reason why id waste time doing so.

I think religion is man's answer for the questions meant not to be answered. I think man created religion to give a reason for living, to give him direction towards a certain goal he's not even sure exists. We all need one.

Supernatural:
No experiences whatsoever. I have no idea if ghosts exist. one thing i do know, if i encounter a ghostly experience that I'm sure was something unreal, my wandering faith will definitely find its destination.

Here's what i DO believe: there's a reason for everything. I don't know if there's someone out or UP there that controls the events in our lives but i know things happen for a reason. The challenge is finding out what that reason is :)


Sometimes I just wish I could die already so that all my questions would be answered. But of course, I'm happy. I don't think i'm a "lost soul". I hardly ever think about these things. there's no point in questioning all the time. I just let my life pass and make the most out of it while its still in the palm of my hand. So for those who keep searching for those answers, stop wasting your time. They will come to you eventually.

hehe.. i can be prophetic after all...

if someone can prove me wrong, by all means, please do.

Personal Convictions

loveIn a paper written for Theology class dated JUNE 27, 2006.

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My Personal Convictions

At age 20, you’ve supposedly just surpassed the awkward stage of adolescence, where you search far and wide for that identity you never seemed to have. You’ve graduated grade school and high school, where you learn about Science, Math, Civics and Culture, and of course, Christian Living. You now know what “peer pressure” is, not because of your D.A.R.E. classes, but from actual experience. You’ve tried to love and probably lost it, and in turn, you keep trying to get Love figured out. You’ve questioned what or who God is several times over and of course, the inevitable search for the meaning of life.

I’ve done all of this of course. All my years growing up have taught me all sorts of lessons. My perception of what’s right and wrong has modified itself too many times over. I’ve learned that there are so many incidents in life where circumstance dictates what’s right and wrong. Many situations are relative, and the line between right and wrong grows thinner by the day. Even my perception of God is cloudy. To me, God is that Supreme Being, the Universal Spirit that is the sole purpose for everything that occurs. He comes in several names: Christ, Buddha, Brahma, etc. I think what all beliefs have in common is Love. God is LOVE.

I’d like to think I am spiritual, but I am not so religious. I am not a very devout Catholic. Honestly, I hardly pray at night. The only religious thing I am still doing is attending mass every Sunday with my family. I hardly attend confession and I haven’t opened the Bible in a very long time. I also do not believe that one will go to hell if he does not believe in Jesus Christ, because I believe in the natural goodness of people. I believe that a person can still be a good person even if he does not attend mass on Sundays, or if he doesn’t open the Bible. I’ve learned that there are 3 relationships you juggle in life: one with God, with others, and yourself. I’ve been focusing more on the latter two; I have yet to find a solid relationship with God.

Although my relationship with God is quite vague, I do have my personal convictions, and these beliefs are what I have stood for, and what guides my decisions.

• I believe in TRUTH and HONESTY above all others. I try my best to avoid lying. I believe that the need to lie simply means there is something wrong with your relationship with that person. I try not to give myself any reason to lie to people. Goodness is Truthful, because we are naturally inclined toward the good. Everything follows from there.
• I stand for SIMPLICITY because it is NATURAL. I love nature, and the environment. I am actively against pollution and wasting resources. I look down upon technological dependence and urban living. I choose not to spend on useless belongings, especially when it comes to fashion and gadgets, unless absolutely necessary. I shop once in a blue moon solely at tiangges (Divisoria!), and I avoid make-up.
• I believe in doing things that make me GROW as a person. I believe in developing talents and skills, and making the most out of every situation.
• I believe that it is good to stand back and reflect about things, to not always be swayed by the flowing river of modern living.
• It is absolutely necessary to respect every living creature—animals, plants, and especially human beings.
• I will NEVER spend for vices. Alcohol, rarely.
• I have no right to complain about my life, for I try to keep in mind that there are millions of people who have it a lot worse. I am forever GRATEFUL for all my blessings.

All that one needs to survive the ever changing road of life (Taken from my personal journal):

1. HONESTY. To others and especially myself.
2. AN OPEN MIND. I know that I do NOT know (everything). (Socrates)
3. LOVE. The genuine concern for others.
4. CONVICTION. As mentioned above
5. PATIENCE. Patience is everything.

I am just about to embark on the 2^nd quarter of my life, and I still have so much to learn. I hope my personal convictions hold true to the many tests that lie ahead. So help me God, wherever or whoever You may be.

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Introduction

This is my first entry into this blog. I'm not new at internet blogging. I've had an account on Livejournal since 2003, which is still active and updated every now and then. However, I'll be posting my more serious thoughts on this blog... the thoughts I have while driving through Metro Manila's traffic, doing my 20min runs, sitting on the toilet, spacing out during mass, or simply spacing out whenever (as I do that quite often).

This is my perspective-- a female, 23 year old middle class Filipino citizen living in the heart of Metro Manila, Philippines. A college graduate from Ateneo de Manila, a former National Team athlete, an absolute nature and outdoors lover--scuba diving, adventure racing, surfing, wakeboarding, wallclimbing, windsurfing, sailing, swimming, running, hiking, camping... I've tried and loved it all. An extrovert and/or introvert depending on my mood, where I am, and who I'm with. Like everyone else, I enjoy watching films and reading books about life, love, and anything that sparks my interest at that given point in time.

At 23 and done with school, and I have just stepped through the doors of adulthood, trying my luck in my first Marketing job in a hip and fun retail company, and still searching for opportunities that will ultimately lead to my main purpose for being born on this specific century in history, in this struggling country, and on this particular diminishing planet. Everything has a purpose--if its anything I believe, it's that.

... Always in search of something (and someone) refreshingly weird and anything different to surprise me and challenge the way I look at the world, which will probably be the reason behind every new article posted here.

Who knows? It might make a difference... one way or another.