Compromise?

Girl: I want to go.

Boy: I don't want to go, but if you really want to go, let's go.

Girl: I don't want to go if you don't want to go... I'm just wondering if how much i want to go is more than how much you don't want to go.

....

How do you win an argument like this?

One just gives in.

We didn't go.

It takes 2 people to make a relationship work, and only 1 to break it.

I just finished talking to my brother's now ex-gf... after 6 years of being together, he decides to break it off with her. Reasons seemed simple enough. He basically wanted out. After 6 years, he risked letting her go to breathe the single air... Now how that air smells is up to him.

After learning their story and how it ended, I couldn't help but break into tears. I really liked her as a person, and I think my brother is an idiot for letting go of someone like her. Even if she wasn't an "in-law" we'd still get along as friends, cuz we have several things in common. And I think my brother was one lucky dooshbag for having someone like her love him that much.

But you can't control another person's feelings. I guess she loved him more than he loved her. Why that is, I don't understand. And now he left her to find whatever it is he feels he needs that can't be found in their relationship. It's fair and it's normal, but just sad.

I admire her ability to dedicate so much of herself to one person. I've never done that, and I don't know if I ever will. To me it seems like digging your own grave if you give ALL of yourself to someone. I've always been more of the self-protecting type -- always making sure he loves me equally if not more than I love him. I'm the type who makes sure he appreciates me and what I give to the relationship. And once I feel I'm taken for granted, I do some sort of attack to make him see otherwise. It's brutal, but it works to protect myself.

Maybe it's smarter that way, but deep inside I know that's not real love. I don't love fully if I don't give fully, not expecting anything in return, no recognition, reciprocation, nor reward.

I guess that's how love is very much like suicide. Only you give the blade to someone else and its up to them what to do with it.

Restlessly Happy

Jone Johnson Lewis:

The human condition is that we are individuals in relationship, and there are tensions between individuality and relatedness. A humanist spirituality is not one of complete dependence, nor of complete independence -- neither condition can be defended as primary. Rather, a humanist spirituality is one of interdependence.

How are you?

My consistent answer: "Restlessly happy"

Over the last 6 months, I've been in love with the Traveler. I mentioned him once and I'll update this blog today. This will explain why I've been missing from the online blog world for quite some time (despite my overly updated Facebook profile). Ironically, my recent entries were all celebrating my single life and how I told myself I'd stick to it for as long as I can. God really has a peculiar way of acting. He throws things at you before you even know you want it, before you even think you NEED it. I didn't want a relationship, yet I meet someone that seems to be everything I've ever dreamed of in a person. The romantic in me gave way. This one doesn't come around very often.

It's the first time I'm with someone with Marriage as the end in mind. It's no longer the temporary just-for-now-while-its-convenient-for-bo

th-of-us kind of thing. I hate that I've said this before, but this really is different, and for the first time ever, I can say this one will be hard to lose. I'm in this because I could be severely hurt, because he could be my first heartbreak... and of course, because we really do get along overwhelmingly well.

Here are a few of the many positive changes that have occured in the last 6 months. These are reasons I've been HAPPY lately, with myself and with him:

• Traveling out of town every chance we get.. Siargao, Camiguin, Baguio, La Union, Pinatubo, etc
• Friend network expansion, especially in the surf community
• Skateboarding - now one of my favorite pastimes.
• New ideas, new books, new movies
• I bought a surfboard -- my first 5 digit expense for myself
• I still get to wear slippers to work
• The security and comfort you get from loving and being loved

On the other hand, just like in economics, there are tradeoffs to everything. In exchange for my blossoming love life, I've also been RESTLESS for several reasons

• I've been away from my online blog semi-life for months.. only updating my handwritten journal when I rarely find time. (Haven't decided what this implies though)
• I haven't finished any of the books I started,
• I seen my family and Cucumberd friends less
• Much less external opportunities to find new hobbies
• Less drive to find a job abroad... (I still want to do it, but I'll admit less than before)
• Still lost career-wise, earning just enough to live day by day with very little savings.
• I still don't think I'm doing my job well at all...

For these reasons I told him I needed to be more independent... I feel as if I'm losing myself somewhat in the middle of all the happiness... if that's even possible. I miss my alone time, my not-needing-anyone-else-to-be-happy time. I miss time spent at home. I miss my Cucumberd friends. I miss reading, and I miss sports. I miss my drive to learn and the things I would end up doing due to boredom. Whether or not I can have these all while still being with him, I don't know.. which is why I asked for a few days off.

Whatever happened to my dreams of becoming a Marine Biologist? New idea: Take up Engineering and develop sustainable designs (inspired by 11th Hour). The treehugger in me has been poking me at the back of my head and I don't know what to do about it.

MY Year of Yes

A few months ago, I read The Year of Yes by Maria Headley, which is a light comedic book about the author's escapades as she decides to say Yes to EVERY person that asks her out for a whole year. She gives in to an open mind and in the process, comes across some of the strangest and most interesting people, and also finds the man she marries in the end. And it's all based on a true story.

I never realized how much I was influenced by this shallow read, until I decided to sit down and list the people I've met over the past 6 months that I've been single. Needless to say, I consider them friends now, and as long as they're fine with just being friends, then I'm fine with them. To mention a few:

• The Lost Taken Guy. This guy was endorsed to me by his EX. He took me to an old bar with his older cousin/tito (which was fine, really). As if that wasn't weird enough, he had a girlfriend--which was fine by me (Thank God!!) So I was totally ok with everything, until he got a little too drunk and let me drive his car to bring myself home. And then he lingered while dropping me off, expecting me to invite him into my GRANDMOTHER's house. What for? I dont even want to know. No thank you.
  
• The Old Aussie executive from ADB. Old enough to be my father. Would not stop calling me at the office to invite me for lunch. Had lunch once to see what he wanted. It was a normal date, save for the fact that he was probably more than twice my age. Never returned his phone calls after that. It just felt wrong.
• The Politician/Party Boy. Belonged to the upper society group. Took me to fancy restos where we wore slippers cuz apparently he's a down-to-earth guy. Ex's included super celebrities and models. Nice guy, but I didn't want to be a "breath of fresh air" for this one. I didn't belong in his world.
  
• The Health Buff. Had a healthy dinner in a Japanese Restaurant. Eats wood for breakfast, counts the number of calories per gram per item of food he ate. Soccer and Fitness. Sorry no can do.
• The Celebrity. Knock Knock. (ME: Who's there?) Celebrity: Bok. (Bok who?) Bok bok. I'm a chicken! Hhahahaa!! Self-explanatory.
  
• The DJ. The best thing about hanging out with a radio DJ? They do all the talking. And they're pleasant to listen to. But I can't be romantically involved with anyone who speaks hiphop. Friends lang please :p
  
• Frenchie. Its the first time a foreigner MY age took interest in me. And I love engaging with foreigners. While I was nice enough to take him around the town and show him the beauty of my country like I always do, he was busy searching for the best way to stick his french tongue down my throat. It's just not how we do it in this country. Friends.

And then there were a few who turned out to be VERY interesting:

• Mr. CEO. Career-driven, a painter/writer/musician, athlete, reader, and family guy. He's too busy of course for anything else, which is a good thing. I enjoy his company simply because its always pure intellectual conversation without expecting anything from each other.
• The Traveler. Been all over the place. Also wants to settle down in the province one day. Self-sufficient and intelligent. Loves art and music. Doesn't carry a credit card. Basically fits the exact profile of my ideal person. And we're friends.
  

The last two people are still around, and I always enjoy their company. The best part about it is that we're all just friends and I don't have to worry about anything else. At this point in my life, the last thing I want is another relationship that starts off passionately romantic and then ends when I realize there's still more out there. Right now it's NOT about dating, but rather meeting all kinds of people. I'm all for network expansion now, and it's been quite an interesting year.

As for the one person I'm meant to be with, I'm letting time and chance determine everything by now. One day he will be more than a stereotype, more than a personality, more than a mere profile. Only time can turn him into a real person, and that's precisely what I'm counting on... whoever he might be.

COMPANIONSHIP

finding someone who is just as LOST as you are in this world of infinite uncertainty
someone who's on the same dot on the map
heading in the same direction
searching for nothing but finding EVERYTHING along the way
looking forward not to the destination, if any, but the PURSUIT.

your fellow wanderer, your partner in life.
- Mika Santos, June 2005