For the Stranger

I was thinking of deleting my Multiply account for obvious reasons. But then I went through its contents and found stuff definitely NOT worth throwing away. This blog entry is one of them.

For The Stranger

I step out of the comfort of my home and there you are.
I do not know you, you do not care to know me.
You knock on my window, forcing the heavy cloud of guilt through my veins.
You are feared, because you are unknown.

I grew up in a home where you were not acknowledged.
You are not my responsibility, as I am not your burden to bear.
My concern is my destination, my next task on my personal agenda.
And yet you always seem to show yourself, no matter where I go.

The truth is, I do acknowledge your presence.
You exist to me as another human being, with a mind, body and soul.
I see the mind behind the pitiful gaze, and I honestly wonder what you are thinking as you ask me for help.
Can you blame me for not giving anything?
Do you hate me for not giving?
Do you expect me to help you?

The scarier part of this all is that i think its not just me.
EVERYONE knows that you exist.
Sadly, everyone denies it.
They choose not to be burdened, not to feel bad for the life they live.
Other people can do it so easily, to go on their pursuit for happiness, the way they think they'll find it.
They can do it without your presence to pull them down.
I admire their strength, for I cannot do that.
I cannot sit comfortably in my car while your child is freezing in the rain.
I cannot enjoy a P200 meal when I know it's enough to feed your entire family.
And it makes it difficult for me to live like this.
Especially when I don't know what to do about it.
When there's nothing I can do about it.

This is me being totally honest, and totally alone.

Unemployed

For some reason I haven't been inspired to write anything lately.. Maybe it's the interface of blogger.com, I don't know. But too many thoughts have crossed my restless mind lately, and I better get them out here before my head implodes.


So I've stopped going to work.. unless they call me in for a specific task, and until my replacement comes in. I've been staying at home, leaching off my parents' free food and lodging, like many other Filipino youth are doing. (In this country, it's very common to live with the folks until you get married. Although there are also thousands of married couples who STILL live with their folks. Whatever the case, we don't leave family. And hey, I'm not complaining.) As much as I want my old freedom back, where I could go home any time, and sometimes not at all, I'm living under their roof now, and I respect the unwritten rules, even when they don't strictly impose them. Who am I to complain.

My parents are happy I left my job. They never saw it as a real job anyway, which is partly true. Strangely enough, they're not pressuring me (at least not yet) to find a job right away, and I'm so thankful they understand my situation.

Quarter-life crisis, they call it. I'm at that point in my life where the road stops. There is no road to walk down, for I have to be the one to pave my way. I also have to create the different forks to choose from, and then walk down that path, thereby creating my first set of parallel universes. (A parallel universe is the other version of your life, where you chose the other options.)

I am creating my life here and now. Time to make something out of myself. And I have absolutely NO idea what my first step is supposed to be.

That's where I'm at right now, if you can even call that a destination.

Honing the People Skills

"Masyado kang mataas." (You're too high)

I finally sat down with my superior to discuss all the underlying issues concerning my performance (or lack thereof) in the company and our working relationship-- a heart-to-heart discussion I've been waiting for since I started working on my own, not knowing what the hell to do half the time.

So it turns out she wasn't clear as to what my role was, and neither was I. I was to report to her and to our President, but would end up talking to the President only since he was the one who consistently asked for updates. Apparently she was also waiting for me to come to her... we were waiting for each other.

She also didn't know how to handle me. She rules the office with an iron fist, telling everyone else what to do, scolding for mistakes, etc. But she never talked to me, never asked me what I was working on, where I was going, nada. She was under the impression that I felt I need not report to her since I could go straight to the big boss. She, and the rest of the office, were intimidated by me.

If in the US they worry about discrimination based on race or gender, here in the Philippines its all about the socio-economic heiarchy. The cancer of our society lies between the relationship between those more "well-off" and those who "have less options available to them". (Note the political correctness). It may also be between the english speakers and the tagalogs or the bisaya. Or maybe its between Ateneo and Lasalle vs the rest of the collegiate world. Whatever the main barrier is, it has to do with money and the culture differences brought about the availability (or shortage) of it.

I have always considered myself a middle-class citizen. To be more technical about it, maybe upper middle class. I don't live in a private subdivision, we own 2 cars, and I can't afford anything at Zara (or I choose not to purchase anything expensive.) I've always been in the frugal side when it comes to consumer choices.

So I had English as my first language. My parents also managed to enroll me in the better private schools, where I met most of my friends who belonged to the upper layers of the social pyramid. I stuck to english-speakers simply because I could communicate better. But when it comes to money issues, they know I'm just a cheap ass who'd rather eat in the food court than one of the restaurants upstairs. And I always viewed myself as someone who was more versatile when it came to people.

And so I was taken aback by my boss' comment, somewhat offended and amused at the same time. For the 11 months I've been in the company, I could not relate to anyone-- the english speaking upper management seemed too cool and consumeristic to have a real conversation, and the rest of the office, well, just didn't talk to me... for whatever reason.

And so I made the effort to break the ice by joining some of the staff in an after-work inuman in Edsa Central. Of course they were shocked to see "Ms. Mika" there with them, and I honestly had no idea how to place myself there. It's not that I considered myself higher than them at all. Heck, I was younger than ALL of them. I just had no idea to relay the message that I could hang out with them just like anyone else, without appearing too trying-hard nor condescending. As much as I stand for equality among anything else, I had no idea how to establish that with them. I was friggin out of place.. like I was back in high school.

The only reason I'm writing about this is because I haven't been placed out of my comfort zone in a while, and this is definitely one of those fortunate learning moments. Sure I had and still have nothing to talk about with them, but hopefully the mere fact that I sat down and shared a beer with them (even if I don't drink beer) is a good enough first step to melt the unnecessary ice.

Maybe next time I can bring out my corny jokes.

The Stranger

Dedicated to The Stranger

I step out of the comfort of my home and there you are.
I do not know you, you do not care to know me.
You knock on my window, forcing the heavy cloud of guilt through my veins.
You are feared, because you are unknown.

I grew up in a home where you were not acknowledged.
You are not my responsibility, as I am not your burden to bear.
My concern is my destination, my next task on my personal agenda.
And yet you always seem to show yourself, no matter where I go.

The truth is, I do acknowledge your presence.
You exist to me as another human being, with a mind, body and soul.
I see the mind behind the pitiful gaze, and I honestly wonder what you are thinking as you ask me for help.
Can you blame me for not giving anything?
Do you hate me for not giving?
Do you expect me to help you?

The scarier part of this all is that i think its not just me.
EVERYONE knows that you exist.
Sadly, everyone denies it.
They choose not to be burdened, not to feel bad for the life they live.
Other people can do it so easily, to go on their pursuit for happiness, the way they think they'll find it.
They can do it without your presence to pull them down.
I admire their strength, for I cannot do that.
I cannot sit comfortably in my car while your child is freezing in the rain.
I cannot enjoy a P200 meal when I know it's enough to feed your entire family.
And it makes it difficult for me to live like this.
Especially when I don't know what to do about it.
When there's nothing I can do about it.

This is me being totally honest, and totally alone.

Somewhere in the Middle

I've always been a middle type of person-- middle child, average height, medium shirt size, even my hair now is mid-length. When I used to take personality tests in those teen magazines I would always end up with a result that fell between the 2 extreme scores. Even when it comes to friendship, I'd rather be the mediator than one of the 2 parties arguing.

Anyway what I really wanted to share is that I love being a middle class citizen. My family isn't what I would call financially thriving. We live in a simple house in Marikina, own 2 overused cars, 2 household helpers, never had a driver (my dad would drop us to school and pick us up every single day). My mom always taught me to stick to the basic necessities and boy, did I stick to that philosophy as I grew older. My friends who know me well enough know that I like to keep my life as simple as possible. I'm not exactly the best person to shop with at the mall cuz I'd probably just make you feel guilty about everything you buy for over P500. It happens.

A friend and I were chatting earlier about what to do with our lives. He recommended that i walk the corporate road for at least 2 years before I go on my own and start my own business or whatever. And I know he's right. But right now I'm still too young and idealistic to work for the sake of money. i told him that I don't mind what I'm doing for as long as it involves one or all of the ff: travel, sports, environmental and social responsibility. I want to do what they call Social Entrepreneurship, which basically refers to a business whose primary aim is some social/environmental good, apart from profit. And then there was the idea of making some luxury product that can only be afforded by the upper class, and then letting the proceeds go to some better cause. Sort of like what Starbucks is doing. I call it the modern-day Robin Hood method.

Apart from the youth, I think the hope of the nation lies in the middle class. You talk about the widening gap between A and E? Well C is that bridge. We have the advantage of seeing both perspectives from an unbiased position. I know that I don't want to be excessively rich, but I don't want to be poor either. I don't understand why everyone seems to be aiming for a spot on the very tiny tip of the social triangle, when there's so much space right below it.

Aristotle describes the key to happiness as the Golden Mean -- which is the desirable middle between two extremes, one of excess and the other of deficiency. In other words, it's about finding the balance between opposites. Even the Spice Girls had it all figured out when they said "Too much of something is bad enough". if it's anything I learned from my Philosophy of Morality classes, it's that.

What's my point? I guess I just want everyone to be happy where they are. For millions of people around the world, 3 full meals a day is all they have (and need) to be thankful for.

God, I still don't know what to do with my life.