For the Stranger

I was thinking of deleting my Multiply account for obvious reasons. But then I went through its contents and found stuff definitely NOT worth throwing away. This blog entry is one of them.

For The Stranger

I step out of the comfort of my home and there you are.
I do not know you, you do not care to know me.
You knock on my window, forcing the heavy cloud of guilt through my veins.
You are feared, because you are unknown.

I grew up in a home where you were not acknowledged.
You are not my responsibility, as I am not your burden to bear.
My concern is my destination, my next task on my personal agenda.
And yet you always seem to show yourself, no matter where I go.

The truth is, I do acknowledge your presence.
You exist to me as another human being, with a mind, body and soul.
I see the mind behind the pitiful gaze, and I honestly wonder what you are thinking as you ask me for help.
Can you blame me for not giving anything?
Do you hate me for not giving?
Do you expect me to help you?

The scarier part of this all is that i think its not just me.
EVERYONE knows that you exist.
Sadly, everyone denies it.
They choose not to be burdened, not to feel bad for the life they live.
Other people can do it so easily, to go on their pursuit for happiness, the way they think they'll find it.
They can do it without your presence to pull them down.
I admire their strength, for I cannot do that.
I cannot sit comfortably in my car while your child is freezing in the rain.
I cannot enjoy a P200 meal when I know it's enough to feed your entire family.
And it makes it difficult for me to live like this.
Especially when I don't know what to do about it.
When there's nothing I can do about it.

This is me being totally honest, and totally alone.

Creed

In an earlier entry, I wrote about my personal convictions. I have several entries about God, faith and religion. And as of today, I'm glad to say that I've made a bit of progress in my personal faith journey. Here goes.


I believe in God, the Father Almighty, creator of earth.
STOP.
I believe that God is the greatest possible good, the Alpha and the Omega.
The beginning of everything, and the end of everything.
The smallest and the largest possible existent thought possible.
(To make writing easier, I shall refer to God as a 'He')
He is the answer to the unanswerable, the great unknown.
He is everywhere around me, and yet also within me. He is within everyone.

Is he a person? I don't believe that.
Was he a person? I don't know, and it honestly isn't that important to me.

Do I believe in Heaven? I hope it exists, but it isn't the reason I choose to be a good person. The fact that my body could just turn into nothing but dust and that my soul disintegrates into oblivion after I die doesn't really scare me. The existence of Heaven or Hell doesn't affect the way I choose to live my life.

I believe God is a universal force that makes nature as wonderful as it is.
He is the reason sunsets are beautiful and why storms are destructive.
God is the moving force behind nature. God is nature.

So just to clarify, what I mean when I say God is "whatever it/he/she is that is the greatest possible good". And yes, I'm aware that he could totally be just inside my head.

I was born to this family, in this country, in this time period, and only God knows why.
I have never gone hungry, and I have God to thank for placing me in a loving family that provides what I need to survive.
I believe it is God who keeps me safe, and it is God who sends things that make me smile, and things or situations that challenge me.

And so I have every reason to believe in the idea of God, because every day I have something to be thankful for, that I could not have achieved on my own. I am thankful for the life I was given, it's easy.

But then I got to thinking:
Could I have said the same things if I were born into the life of poverty? Would I thank God if he placed me in a totally opposite situation? Apart from the actual gift of life, what else would I be thankful for?

This is me trying to examine how superficial my reasons are for believing what I believe.

I wouldn't be able to convince a homeless person that there is a God that loves them. Simply because my reasoning wouldn't apply to them. My telling a homeless person that there is a God that loves them wouldn't alleviate him from his physical situation.

But then again, if faced with a homeless person or any person in need, I would much rather find ways to help him-- to show that a total stranger can love him. Maybe that will renew his faith in people, and just maybe, think that there is a God that works through people.

I believe God is goodness. God is love. The world is a better place when there are more good people. Happiness, the ultimate goal of every human mind and soul, is brought about only by goodness towards the other. I've come to realize that I do have the gift of faith in me, for I think it requires a certain amount of faith to want to help a complete stranger. And I do sincerely want to help the stranger...somehow. I am fully aware that there is no concrete or direct reward from anyone. To give without expecting anything in return. To be good for the sake of just being good -- you can never get that these days. Some call it generosity, I call it courage. How can you not believe in something as grand as the idea of God, when the simplest acts of kindness from the most unexpected situations can put tears in your eyes? It just goes hand in hand for me.

I don't know. I'm the last person who should be preaching to anyone about anything, and I don't intend to. This is a mere examination of my personal faith, and the conclusions my own god-given logic and reason has led to.

Here's my last statement:
I did nothing to be placed in the fortunate position I was born into, just as a homeless child does not deserve a life of hardship from the moment he/she was born. I believe in using your abilities to better the world, in the best way you can, and that every decision should be based on that. Call it building God's kingdom on earth, call it being a good person, or simply call it 'the pursuit to happiness'. That's the only way I know how.

It takes 2 people to make a relationship work, and only 1 to break it.

I just finished talking to my brother's now ex-gf... after 6 years of being together, he decides to break it off with her. Reasons seemed simple enough. He basically wanted out. After 6 years, he risked letting her go to breathe the single air... Now how that air smells is up to him.

After learning their story and how it ended, I couldn't help but break into tears. I really liked her as a person, and I think my brother is an idiot for letting go of someone like her. Even if she wasn't an "in-law" we'd still get along as friends, cuz we have several things in common. And I think my brother was one lucky dooshbag for having someone like her love him that much.

But you can't control another person's feelings. I guess she loved him more than he loved her. Why that is, I don't understand. And now he left her to find whatever it is he feels he needs that can't be found in their relationship. It's fair and it's normal, but just sad.

I admire her ability to dedicate so much of herself to one person. I've never done that, and I don't know if I ever will. To me it seems like digging your own grave if you give ALL of yourself to someone. I've always been more of the self-protecting type -- always making sure he loves me equally if not more than I love him. I'm the type who makes sure he appreciates me and what I give to the relationship. And once I feel I'm taken for granted, I do some sort of attack to make him see otherwise. It's brutal, but it works to protect myself.

Maybe it's smarter that way, but deep inside I know that's not real love. I don't love fully if I don't give fully, not expecting anything in return, no recognition, reciprocation, nor reward.

I guess that's how love is very much like suicide. Only you give the blade to someone else and its up to them what to do with it.

I miss writing.

I miss writing.

I read people's blogs and I admire their ability to dig down deep and poetically express their emotions and ideas. Everyday I sit in front of this damn computer for work, and my time has been dominated by Excel sheets, catalogs, Facebook and Wordtwist. Absolutely no outlet to release the very little creative juice I have inside me, and as I write less, I feel the juice drying up to the point of dehydration.

Did that even make sense?

But I haven't stopped thinking. It has been the curse and driving force of my meager existence on this imperfect planet. I think about my current state, where I'm going, and if I'm happy. I think about the people around me, whether they're happy. I think about the stranger still, whether he still has the willpower and hope to be happy despite his unfortunate situation. I still question the role of the Higher Being i.e. God in my life. I wonder if I've fulfilled my life roles appropriately...

As an employee, I diligently go to work and constantly try to impress.. which is degrading, frustrating, and unmaximizing.

As a girlfriend, I try to remain a good person, to make it easiest for him to keep on loving me, as I do my best to love him the way he deserves.

As a daughter and a sister, I owe my family my time... and I hate that I do not have the will to make enough time for them. Maybe it comes with growing up. I know I'll probably regret it one day...

As a friend, I hope they don't take it against me that I spend less time with them.


My love language is definitely Quality Time. I show my love best by the time I give and spend with that particular person, activity, or pet :p Makes me wonder: if my the amount of my love is measured by the amount of time I give, then that makes it limited... because you only have so much time in a day to allot among yourself, your job, your relationships. Probably why I used to wonder if loving something more makes you love something else less. Or can you constantly grow your sphere of love?

Tis quite a complicated world I live in.. simply because I make it so.

Ok enough free flowing thought. Back to work.

Restlessly Happy

Jone Johnson Lewis:

The human condition is that we are individuals in relationship, and there are tensions between individuality and relatedness. A humanist spirituality is not one of complete dependence, nor of complete independence -- neither condition can be defended as primary. Rather, a humanist spirituality is one of interdependence.

How are you?

My consistent answer: "Restlessly happy"

Over the last 6 months, I've been in love with the Traveler. I mentioned him once and I'll update this blog today. This will explain why I've been missing from the online blog world for quite some time (despite my overly updated Facebook profile). Ironically, my recent entries were all celebrating my single life and how I told myself I'd stick to it for as long as I can. God really has a peculiar way of acting. He throws things at you before you even know you want it, before you even think you NEED it. I didn't want a relationship, yet I meet someone that seems to be everything I've ever dreamed of in a person. The romantic in me gave way. This one doesn't come around very often.

It's the first time I'm with someone with Marriage as the end in mind. It's no longer the temporary just-for-now-while-its-convenient-for-bo

th-of-us kind of thing. I hate that I've said this before, but this really is different, and for the first time ever, I can say this one will be hard to lose. I'm in this because I could be severely hurt, because he could be my first heartbreak... and of course, because we really do get along overwhelmingly well.

Here are a few of the many positive changes that have occured in the last 6 months. These are reasons I've been HAPPY lately, with myself and with him:

• Traveling out of town every chance we get.. Siargao, Camiguin, Baguio, La Union, Pinatubo, etc
• Friend network expansion, especially in the surf community
• Skateboarding - now one of my favorite pastimes.
• New ideas, new books, new movies
• I bought a surfboard -- my first 5 digit expense for myself
• I still get to wear slippers to work
• The security and comfort you get from loving and being loved

On the other hand, just like in economics, there are tradeoffs to everything. In exchange for my blossoming love life, I've also been RESTLESS for several reasons

• I've been away from my online blog semi-life for months.. only updating my handwritten journal when I rarely find time. (Haven't decided what this implies though)
• I haven't finished any of the books I started,
• I seen my family and Cucumberd friends less
• Much less external opportunities to find new hobbies
• Less drive to find a job abroad... (I still want to do it, but I'll admit less than before)
• Still lost career-wise, earning just enough to live day by day with very little savings.
• I still don't think I'm doing my job well at all...

For these reasons I told him I needed to be more independent... I feel as if I'm losing myself somewhat in the middle of all the happiness... if that's even possible. I miss my alone time, my not-needing-anyone-else-to-be-happy time. I miss time spent at home. I miss my Cucumberd friends. I miss reading, and I miss sports. I miss my drive to learn and the things I would end up doing due to boredom. Whether or not I can have these all while still being with him, I don't know.. which is why I asked for a few days off.

Whatever happened to my dreams of becoming a Marine Biologist? New idea: Take up Engineering and develop sustainable designs (inspired by 11th Hour). The treehugger in me has been poking me at the back of my head and I don't know what to do about it.

Things of Value, Love included

A friend of mine centered his blog on the things we value in our lives. Each person has his own standards for what is valuable, and that determines not just his purchasing choices, but his life choices as well. Recently I got to thinking about this in relation to myself.

I always knew I was a stingy person. I don't spend much on clothes, magazines, or expensive food. I hate paying for parking, and you'll rarely find me at the mall on a leisure day. I never aimed to be rich, and I want to live a nice consumerist-free life in the province one day.

At first I thought it was because I hated money. But now that I think about it, I realized I value money VERY much, which is why I choose my investments carefully. I usually spend my money on my trips out of town, because that is what I love. The things that make me happy are what I value (just like everyone else), but luckily for me, they aren't that expensive. I try to find my happiness from things that wont cost me too much monetarily.

And then I started thinking about my relationship choices. (Brace yourself for an emotional entry.) I've had 3 relationships since I was 18 years old, and I was the one who ended all of them. Why? To answer it as simply as possible, he just wasn't the one. I deeply cared for every single one of them, yet I ended it because there was always something missing. (The problem when you have the traveler's personality is that you can't commit to anything because you know there's always something else out there waiting to be discovered. I'll save that for another blog.) Although I said "I love you" to these guys, I ended it for one reason or another. Maybe it wasn't love in the first place. It all depends on your personal definition, whatever it is. I can't be with anyone for more than a year because I have a list of musthaves and qualities needed. Call them high standards, fine.

Going back to things of value... who you decide to give your heart to is one of the most important investments you'll ever have to make in this lifetime. Can you blame me for being choosy? Before investing in a business, you'd have to make sure of certain things: the people running the business, the background of the company, and most importantly, the POTENTIAL for profit. You can't just choose any business and say "I've decided to invest in you, no matter who you are and what could happen." Unless you're some billionaire who can extract money from his ass.

I know love is a decision and a commitment, but I still have yet to find the right person who I can like, and trust enough to give myself to. Hey, it's all about the search right?

In other words, if you're so frustrated that you can't find the man of your dreams, it simply means you value yourself a lot. And don't ever give yourself up for anyone less than what you think you deserve.

Done.

MY Year of Yes

A few months ago, I read The Year of Yes by Maria Headley, which is a light comedic book about the author's escapades as she decides to say Yes to EVERY person that asks her out for a whole year. She gives in to an open mind and in the process, comes across some of the strangest and most interesting people, and also finds the man she marries in the end. And it's all based on a true story.

I never realized how much I was influenced by this shallow read, until I decided to sit down and list the people I've met over the past 6 months that I've been single. Needless to say, I consider them friends now, and as long as they're fine with just being friends, then I'm fine with them. To mention a few:

• The Lost Taken Guy. This guy was endorsed to me by his EX. He took me to an old bar with his older cousin/tito (which was fine, really). As if that wasn't weird enough, he had a girlfriend--which was fine by me (Thank God!!) So I was totally ok with everything, until he got a little too drunk and let me drive his car to bring myself home. And then he lingered while dropping me off, expecting me to invite him into my GRANDMOTHER's house. What for? I dont even want to know. No thank you.
  
• The Old Aussie executive from ADB. Old enough to be my father. Would not stop calling me at the office to invite me for lunch. Had lunch once to see what he wanted. It was a normal date, save for the fact that he was probably more than twice my age. Never returned his phone calls after that. It just felt wrong.
• The Politician/Party Boy. Belonged to the upper society group. Took me to fancy restos where we wore slippers cuz apparently he's a down-to-earth guy. Ex's included super celebrities and models. Nice guy, but I didn't want to be a "breath of fresh air" for this one. I didn't belong in his world.
  
• The Health Buff. Had a healthy dinner in a Japanese Restaurant. Eats wood for breakfast, counts the number of calories per gram per item of food he ate. Soccer and Fitness. Sorry no can do.
• The Celebrity. Knock Knock. (ME: Who's there?) Celebrity: Bok. (Bok who?) Bok bok. I'm a chicken! Hhahahaa!! Self-explanatory.
  
• The DJ. The best thing about hanging out with a radio DJ? They do all the talking. And they're pleasant to listen to. But I can't be romantically involved with anyone who speaks hiphop. Friends lang please :p
  
• Frenchie. Its the first time a foreigner MY age took interest in me. And I love engaging with foreigners. While I was nice enough to take him around the town and show him the beauty of my country like I always do, he was busy searching for the best way to stick his french tongue down my throat. It's just not how we do it in this country. Friends.

And then there were a few who turned out to be VERY interesting:

• Mr. CEO. Career-driven, a painter/writer/musician, athlete, reader, and family guy. He's too busy of course for anything else, which is a good thing. I enjoy his company simply because its always pure intellectual conversation without expecting anything from each other.
• The Traveler. Been all over the place. Also wants to settle down in the province one day. Self-sufficient and intelligent. Loves art and music. Doesn't carry a credit card. Basically fits the exact profile of my ideal person. And we're friends.
  

The last two people are still around, and I always enjoy their company. The best part about it is that we're all just friends and I don't have to worry about anything else. At this point in my life, the last thing I want is another relationship that starts off passionately romantic and then ends when I realize there's still more out there. Right now it's NOT about dating, but rather meeting all kinds of people. I'm all for network expansion now, and it's been quite an interesting year.

As for the one person I'm meant to be with, I'm letting time and chance determine everything by now. One day he will be more than a stereotype, more than a personality, more than a mere profile. Only time can turn him into a real person, and that's precisely what I'm counting on... whoever he might be.

COMPANIONSHIP

finding someone who is just as LOST as you are in this world of infinite uncertainty
someone who's on the same dot on the map
heading in the same direction
searching for nothing but finding EVERYTHING along the way
looking forward not to the destination, if any, but the PURSUIT.

your fellow wanderer, your partner in life.
- Mika Santos, June 2005

Personal Convictions

loveIn a paper written for Theology class dated JUNE 27, 2006.

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My Personal Convictions

At age 20, you’ve supposedly just surpassed the awkward stage of adolescence, where you search far and wide for that identity you never seemed to have. You’ve graduated grade school and high school, where you learn about Science, Math, Civics and Culture, and of course, Christian Living. You now know what “peer pressure” is, not because of your D.A.R.E. classes, but from actual experience. You’ve tried to love and probably lost it, and in turn, you keep trying to get Love figured out. You’ve questioned what or who God is several times over and of course, the inevitable search for the meaning of life.

I’ve done all of this of course. All my years growing up have taught me all sorts of lessons. My perception of what’s right and wrong has modified itself too many times over. I’ve learned that there are so many incidents in life where circumstance dictates what’s right and wrong. Many situations are relative, and the line between right and wrong grows thinner by the day. Even my perception of God is cloudy. To me, God is that Supreme Being, the Universal Spirit that is the sole purpose for everything that occurs. He comes in several names: Christ, Buddha, Brahma, etc. I think what all beliefs have in common is Love. God is LOVE.

I’d like to think I am spiritual, but I am not so religious. I am not a very devout Catholic. Honestly, I hardly pray at night. The only religious thing I am still doing is attending mass every Sunday with my family. I hardly attend confession and I haven’t opened the Bible in a very long time. I also do not believe that one will go to hell if he does not believe in Jesus Christ, because I believe in the natural goodness of people. I believe that a person can still be a good person even if he does not attend mass on Sundays, or if he doesn’t open the Bible. I’ve learned that there are 3 relationships you juggle in life: one with God, with others, and yourself. I’ve been focusing more on the latter two; I have yet to find a solid relationship with God.

Although my relationship with God is quite vague, I do have my personal convictions, and these beliefs are what I have stood for, and what guides my decisions.

• I believe in TRUTH and HONESTY above all others. I try my best to avoid lying. I believe that the need to lie simply means there is something wrong with your relationship with that person. I try not to give myself any reason to lie to people. Goodness is Truthful, because we are naturally inclined toward the good. Everything follows from there.
• I stand for SIMPLICITY because it is NATURAL. I love nature, and the environment. I am actively against pollution and wasting resources. I look down upon technological dependence and urban living. I choose not to spend on useless belongings, especially when it comes to fashion and gadgets, unless absolutely necessary. I shop once in a blue moon solely at tiangges (Divisoria!), and I avoid make-up.
• I believe in doing things that make me GROW as a person. I believe in developing talents and skills, and making the most out of every situation.
• I believe that it is good to stand back and reflect about things, to not always be swayed by the flowing river of modern living.
• It is absolutely necessary to respect every living creature—animals, plants, and especially human beings.
• I will NEVER spend for vices. Alcohol, rarely.
• I have no right to complain about my life, for I try to keep in mind that there are millions of people who have it a lot worse. I am forever GRATEFUL for all my blessings.

All that one needs to survive the ever changing road of life (Taken from my personal journal):

1. HONESTY. To others and especially myself.
2. AN OPEN MIND. I know that I do NOT know (everything). (Socrates)
3. LOVE. The genuine concern for others.
4. CONVICTION. As mentioned above
5. PATIENCE. Patience is everything.

I am just about to embark on the 2^nd quarter of my life, and I still have so much to learn. I hope my personal convictions hold true to the many tests that lie ahead. So help me God, wherever or whoever You may be.

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