Freedom and the Insecurity that kills it

With a consistent streak of nonchalance, passiveness, and just plain blah-ness, it naturally comes to a point where it just HAS to stop.  Once again, I do what I do best, which is to shove myself against a corner and say,

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!?


Yes, it helps to do so.

My blah-ness can sometimes be mistaken as unhappiness, which I assure you is not, for I believe that happiness is a much deeper state of mind, a state that requires a choice.  And I still choose to be happy.  Of course this state of happiness is never perfect. We don't live in a constant cloud of ecstasy. If we did then things would just get boring.  There are times when we step off the cloud and into dirt, sometimes waist deep in mud, or shit if you're really unlucky.  It's just one of those days.

So naturally, I ask myself why,Why why WHY are you once again restless and melancholic, especially when no one's looking?  What can you do to reverse your situation and put that smile back on your face? And this is where my handwritten journal comes in handy, where I can doodle and scribble and basically ramble on randomly any thought that slithers into my scattered brain. Basically it boils down to one simple question:

What makes you TRULY happy?

......

FREEDOM

Philosophy defines it as the capacity to determine your OWN choices.
It is exemption from external control, interference, regulation, etc.
Ease or facility of movement or action.


SELF-DETERMINATION.


And lately its been insecurity thats been my biggest hindrance.  It's never really been a plague to me, yet lately it has reared its poisonous face, and sadly, it's letting out the worst in me.  Blame it on unemployment... or the nagging feeling that I haven't accomplished much after college... or the jealousy that I'm not about to work in a foreign country like my best friends are doing.. or the feeling that I've become boring because of lack of interest in things to do in this damn city... or my lack of independence due to not having a means of transportation to do things I do want to do.  Whatever it is, my self-esteem is lingering around the unhealthy levels.  Nowadays I feel useless, helpless, and restless. Like everything I think, do, or say must meet a certain standard.  And I really really hate this feeling.

Must get back on track.

Stop comparing yourself to him.  You are NOT the boring person in this relationship. It's just a matter of getting back to the things that you like to do. Get back into your sports. Start dancing again. Find a friggin surf group.  Reconnect with old friends.  Go biking. Find a climbing buddy. Go running. Go swimming.  Don't be lazy to commute.  Start a new book... YOU KNOW ALL THIS!

The ugliest truth that makes all of the above so hard to do is that none of them can be accomplished with him. You are running out of things to do together.  He's doing what he likes. It's time for you to stop following him around and do your own thing.

GET BACK OUT THERE.

Pep talk for the self. Pathetic, yet necessary once in a while.

Hold That Thought

I sit here watching you.. keeping you company.. helping out in any way I can.
And I know that you couldn't do the same for me, simply because you can't.
And yet I'm here.

I also know that if this ended, you would move on with your life and find another girl who would make a suitable mother for your children, a suitable wife for the life you want to live.
Whereas I, who have questioned my plans because of fear of losing you, will be left in the dirt. This will be my first heartbreak, where more than anything, I would mourn the loss of what could have been.

It hits me at certain moments that I've jumped without a safety net.
And the smarter part of me knows that you won't always be there to catch me.
And yet I choose the foolish part of me that hopes you will.

Island Exile

On Siargao Island...

... The day begins at 8am and we're in bed by 9pm.

... Food options at the market: Fish, Crab, Squid, Chicken

... EVERYONE owns a dog.

... Sunrises are even more breathtaking than sunsets.

... Helmets are a rarity.

... Community and government-sponsored events are the must-sees.

... A bottle of OFF and Betet can save your life.

... Shops close by 5pm.

... ALL the babies are cute!

... Always be ready in case of a black-out. They can last for hours throughout the entire island.

... Skies are bluer than normal. Star-frosted skies are taken for granted.

... You can see a shooting star every night if you wanted.

... A powdery white sand beach is literally a few steps away from your doorstep.

... French is the most useful foreign language to know.

... If you want to do something, JUST DO IT.  If you want something done, DO IT YOURSELF.

... Booties can be your best friend in the surf.

... Don't get sick. Don't get injured either.

... It's almost impossible to be a vegetarian.

... There's no difference between weekdays and weekends.

... People let the schedule of high and low tide determine the day's activities.

... Roads are made with white sand

... Powdered milk can go a long way,.

... Know how to cook, or go broke.

... People come and go, but you can share very interesting moments during the few days together, and maybe even build a lasting friendship.

..................

...... Can you blame me for never wanting to leave?

A Turn of Events

I've been planning this month long sabbatical to Siargao since June. I was to spend my whole October there.. and so I booked my ticket as soon as Cebupac went on sale last July..

Come September 26, 2009, the most destructive tropical storm in 4 decades decides to pass thru Metro Manila, dumping a month's worth of rainfall in a matter of 6 hours, drowning entire cities and leaving hundreds of thousands homeless and nearly hopeless.  During this entire ordeal, I was one of the minority of the city whose house was left high and dry.  I could only watch all the chaos on TV and the net as I sat comfortably on my dry chair.  I went to sleep on my overly soft and DRY bed, as thousands of others were spending the night freezing on their roofs.

Sure, I was thankful that our place was spared.. but the feeling that dominated was sympathy and guilt.  A part of me wished I was there suffering with everyone else, and now that I think about it, it was because the more I stayed free from harm, the larger my obligation to help had become.  I wanted to gather clothes and food to give.  I wanted to step out and use my athletic skills to join the rescue efforts I was seeing on TV.  But I didn't have a car.. I didn't know where to start.. I didn't know which organization to call.  The orgs I was closest to, such as Ateneo, had more than enough volunteers.  Red Cross and the big media groups seemed overflowing with volunteers as seen on TV.  I didn't want to be one of those people in a long line just passing a bag from the person in front to the next.

I was to leave Manila for a month in the next few days.  I also had to prepare for my trip.  But I had to make some effort to help.  The day after the storm I bought P500 worth of powdered milk to donate.  On Monday, I dropped by Mt Carmel Church to see how I could help. I helped pack rice into some bags... even if they already had someone else to do it.  The evacuees there had left already.  We went back home soon after.

Some people have gotten sick of watching the news because it made them depressed.  I felt that since I hadn't done much to help, I wanted to watch all the sad news on TV and read all the horror tales and look at all the pictures and videos posted online to make myself feel worse, perhaps so I felt I was "suffering" along with everyone else.  I shed tears several times from these things.

"One good deed is better than a thousand good intentions."

I had every intention to help, but not enough willpower.  As scheduled, I had left for Cebu a few days after the storm, leaving behind disaster-stricken Manila and all the relief operations still very much active.  I've always wanted to get away from the chaotic city life of Manila, but I couldn't help but feel that  I left Manila during the time I felt it needed me most.  And for this reason, I can't seem to forgive myself.

"dont worry, wrapping relief goods is the easy thing.  You are built for something harder where ordinary people will struggle"


Words of extreme comfort from a friend just now.

Hopefully when I get back from Siargao there will still be something I can do.

After the Wake

Everyone has their thoughts piling up in their heads, this is my attempt to lessen my cranial load.

I woke up yesterday morning with one of the most shocking news in my life (the other being the night when my friend was shot on the eve of her birthday, rest in peace Tara.)  We've all heard the story, another one of irreconcilable injustice, that which makes me angry, yet expects me to go on living. (Here's the first News Article about it)

I met Alexis in 2003 in Boracay and would see him by chance maybe once every year in the most random places, like film fests.  We were probably better friends online, when we used to share blog entries and the occasional chats of interesting idea exchange.  I would then see him on TV and read his articles online with the success of his endeavors for Philippine Cinema.  But I won't exaggerate and say were close, it just so happened that he went to Siargao with Nika and Mia to meet Abe, and as Abe's girlfriend, I just so happen to have been there for the send-off dinner for Nika the night it happened. It was only my second time to see Nika.

You don't have to be a close friend to be severely affected by what happened.  Coming home from a lively dinner and dessert night marked by sharing laughs, memories of Siargao, opinions on Mar Roxas stepping down and the rest of our political carnival, Alexis' take on piracy, business ideas, and many other random yet significant topics, I went to bed like any other night -- tired, content, happy, and safe -- only to be awaken by news that will probably never make me feel the same way again.  None of us saw it coming, no omens, no signs, nothing... FOR WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD THINK THAT THEY WOULD BE KILLED IN THE SAFETY OF THEIR OWN HOME?

And then there are the "Could-have-happened's":  If Nika didn't say she was tired, Mia would've come in the house after dropping them to watch a movie.  If Abe's friends weren't already waiting in his house after our dinner, we could've gone to Eggy's house with them to pick up a DVD of a film Abe wanted to see. It could've happened...

I got home last night after the wake feeling unsettled, eerie, and paranoid. This could've happened in ANY household, including my own. It just takes one person who is welcomed into a home yet harbors other intentions. I can't begin to imagine how Nika's family is doing... entrusting her daughter to live all the way in 3rd world Philippines, excitedly awaiting her return. It's just too sad.

More than sad, this incident has made me angry. I have tried to live my life upholding a healthy amount of faith in the goodness of the stranger-- a belief that people are inherently good.  But stories like Tara and now Eggy and Nika make it harder and harder.  Whats worse is, unlike Tara's murder with a random holdupper, this one was caused by their household help, someone they thought they could trust. It's hard to accept that evil like this persists in the world, and even harder to think that some can actually get away with it.  (A part of me wishes I could lead the investigation because we have no idea how "brilliant" our own investigators really are.)  I just became a little less optimistic, (or maybe a little less naive) about the future of this world.  We really are going to shit and if the world ends in whatever way, we probably deserve it.

I'm getting emotional. Back to Eggy and Nika.

It's unfortunate that I'm learning more about Eggy and Nikka through tributes and articles that have been spread to celebrate their memory.  How I wish I would've gotten to know them more on my own terms.  But from their own stories, although short-lived, I have made friends that I will never ever forget.

So to Alexis / Eggy / Aleggy (as Abe cleverly coined) and lovely Nika, if I had known that I this would happen:


To Nika, I would have told you that I think you're really pretty, and that you're the most interesting Slovenian I have and probably will ever meet.  And that I hope to visit you when I go to Slovenia one day. And I was really looking forward to surfing with you as soon as you got back in December.

To Alexis, I would have probably asked you for a list of all the must-sees of Philippine cinema. And if we hung out more after that, eventually I would've tried to get you to eat healthier.
I would've told you both that I truly admire and respect your courage for pursuing your loves for cinema.  You have showed me that you can start from what you love and make something from there. It is truly inspiring and I say this with no BS because I have yet to find that first step to make my life a little more significant to the rest of the world, and I have been trying to absorb all that I can from other people's life stories. My friend Nicola will know what I'm talking about.


It's still surreal, and I don't know if it will ever sink in.  How can you accept the loss of friends that you had just met? I mourn for the loss of two new friends that don't need a lifetime of memories to know they were amazing and remarkable human beings.  I mourn for the loss of what could have been.

May justice be served on those that deserve it.


Rest in peace, Eggy and Nika. In the few days I've known you, you have changed my life. And more importantly, in your years on this earth, you have changed the world, one way or another.

Dancer? Me?

Amidst the bustling city life of Metro Manila, finding something to keep yourself busy with apart from your 8-hour day job can either be really easy or really challenging, depending on your interests. If all you want is a bar with pumping music where alcohol is flowing and girls are dancing, that's readily available. But if you're on the opposite end of the spectrum of personality types such as myself, finding alcohol-free, affordable, good for well-being activities are a little harder to find. Thankfully, I have managed to keep my weeknights occupied with activities and sports that have made me happy, and still within my measly budget.

Every Thursday and Saturday (when I'm not surfing) has been salsa night for me. I took a class with a few friends back in 2007 and have not been able to apply it much since all my salsita friends fled the country. And then I discovered the Salsa nights, and I have been going regularly since June 2009.

Since I don't have much of a day job, this has been the only thing I've been up to that has promised me things to look forward to. I was invited by the head instructor to join their performance group, which of course I gave my immediate YES to. Apart from my newfound love for dancing, it gave me something to train for once again, a chance for me to perform again. It gives my folks another reason to be proud of me.. after 2 years of showing them nothing.

I've been told I was good at it, that I was a natural born dancer. I grew up with dancing being such a normal part of living, as my dad comes from a family of professional dancers. Apparently I have the genes that make up professional dancing, a genetic makeup that I applied solely to sports. Until now, that is.

Anyway, apart from the thrill of training again, I found something that makes me feel good about myself as well, which is one thing I realized I needed, especially now that I'm unproductive and useless to the world. That's probably a big reason I keep coming back.

Well, that and the fact that it really is fun. You should try it :)

Unemployed

For some reason I haven't been inspired to write anything lately.. Maybe it's the interface of blogger.com, I don't know. But too many thoughts have crossed my restless mind lately, and I better get them out here before my head implodes.


So I've stopped going to work.. unless they call me in for a specific task, and until my replacement comes in. I've been staying at home, leaching off my parents' free food and lodging, like many other Filipino youth are doing. (In this country, it's very common to live with the folks until you get married. Although there are also thousands of married couples who STILL live with their folks. Whatever the case, we don't leave family. And hey, I'm not complaining.) As much as I want my old freedom back, where I could go home any time, and sometimes not at all, I'm living under their roof now, and I respect the unwritten rules, even when they don't strictly impose them. Who am I to complain.

My parents are happy I left my job. They never saw it as a real job anyway, which is partly true. Strangely enough, they're not pressuring me (at least not yet) to find a job right away, and I'm so thankful they understand my situation.

Quarter-life crisis, they call it. I'm at that point in my life where the road stops. There is no road to walk down, for I have to be the one to pave my way. I also have to create the different forks to choose from, and then walk down that path, thereby creating my first set of parallel universes. (A parallel universe is the other version of your life, where you chose the other options.)

I am creating my life here and now. Time to make something out of myself. And I have absolutely NO idea what my first step is supposed to be.

That's where I'm at right now, if you can even call that a destination.

Anxiety Attack

Before the month ends, I'll be unemployed.

No back-up source of income to depend on... no definite plan.

And as the day draws nearer, I admit I'm getting scared.

It's the feeling of uncertainty and lack of control that usually scares us. Usually, I welcome this. I love getting lost during trips, simply because I love finding my way back, and I love discovering the unexpected.

But it's a little different when you lose your way on the road of life (I APOLOGIZE FOR THE CLICHE). Maybe it's just the label of "doing nothing" that scares me. I don't know how long I will be "doing nothing".

I gotta lay down my time line. As random as I like to do things, I still need some sort of a schedule.. you always need a plan, one way or another. So here are the things I know I want to accomplish as soon as I leave this poor excuse for a job:

• Search for scholarships and/or attainable job opportunities abroad, given my limited qualifications
• Fix my room as soon as Marla moves out
• Contact the travel mag to tell them I'm free
  
• Pick a month to live in Siargao and try the rural life
  
• Meet up with people from different industries and explore options
• Go even easier on the spending. Cut the cab rides and the big meals over P150. Choose your trips.

I should be excited. This is what it really means to be LOST anyway right? I shall welcome the possibility of absolutely anything, and also nothing at all. I'll learn something from this.

Something big will happen. Soon.

Recurring Dreams

Dreaming is every man's opportunity to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.

Every morning I set my phone's alarm one hour before the time I really need to get up. I think the SNOOZE button was one of man's greatest ideas. Not only do I get increments of extra 10 mins of sleep, but I also get a variety of dreams within those snoozes.

But I'm not going to talk about my dream last night that involved a large beach house and thousands of GIANT king crabs that were attacking. (At first it looked delicious then the dream just turned into scary!) No, I'm sharing the dreams I have more than once.

The first always involves being back in school. Now I was always the breed of student people would call "diligent". I liked getting high grades, I tried to make it to all my classes, and whatever else these "diligent" students do. I would have these dreams where I'm back in school, and I didn't know that all this time I've had classes to attend. I remember being really worried because of all the classes I've already missed and I'd be running to the classroom totally unsure where it even was. I had no hold of my schedule, or where exactly I was on the road of the academic discourse. It was a very powerless feeling, and I don't like it at all.

The second dream involves my teeth. One thing that I'm pretty sure makes me unique is the fact that I still have baby teeth. The 2 fangs on my upper jaw have never fallen off, and will never fall off, since there was never any teeth below it to begin with. If they do fall off by some freak accident or whatever, I'd have to get permanent pustiso, or fake teeth. Anyway, I always have these dreams where one of teeth is either loose or it falls of completely. It's such a small detail in my dreams, yet it keeps happening. And no, I don't like the feeling either.

Now the challenging and more exciting part about dreams is that they're open for interpretation. During the earlier ages, people believed they were messages from God. I do think dreams have prophetic powers, but ultimately I believe that they're just the subconscious mind's way of telling us things -- the things we don't think about, or the things we refuse to think about. Like in my case, apparently failing in school and losing my teeth are some of my apparent "deepest fears". I don't know. Maybe it's a prophecy that I will indeed be back in school one day. Some people believe that loosing a tooth in a dream means losing a friend or family member to death (which obviously isn't true in my case). Whatever it is, I still look forward to dreams every night, especially the ones that seem the most real. It's the mind's best means to escape reality, adding a little more color to our everyday mediocre lives.


I stop now.

Compromise?

Girl: I want to go.

Boy: I don't want to go, but if you really want to go, let's go.

Girl: I don't want to go if you don't want to go... I'm just wondering if how much i want to go is more than how much you don't want to go.

....

How do you win an argument like this?

One just gives in.

We didn't go.

Resignation

June 10, 2009

Dear Boss,

As much as I'd like to spice up this letter with hifalutin openings and what not, I'll just go on and say that I would like to formally resign from my position in the company. I want to thank you for giving me this opportunity-- for introducing and immersing me into the world of retail. I have definitely learned a great deal about the business, and at the same time had my fair share of fun, and I thank you for that.

It probably doesn't come to you as a surprise that I'm resigning. I do have plans of studying again, but I also need to find other ways to earn more, and I honestly don't see how much growth can happen if I stick with the company. I also know that as much as I enjoyed being a part of this company, it is not the field I see myself working in the long term, for my deepest passions lay elsewhere.

Of course I'll make sure to finish whatever pending business I have right now, and I'll help find an even better replacement.

Again thank you and I apologize for whatever inconvenience this might cause you or the company.

Sincerely,

Mika

---------------------
Phew. I think that'll do.

SENT.

Now what?

Creed

In an earlier entry, I wrote about my personal convictions. I have several entries about God, faith and religion. And as of today, I'm glad to say that I've made a bit of progress in my personal faith journey. Here goes.


I believe in God, the Father Almighty, creator of earth.
STOP.
I believe that God is the greatest possible good, the Alpha and the Omega.
The beginning of everything, and the end of everything.
The smallest and the largest possible existent thought possible.
(To make writing easier, I shall refer to God as a 'He')
He is the answer to the unanswerable, the great unknown.
He is everywhere around me, and yet also within me. He is within everyone.

Is he a person? I don't believe that.
Was he a person? I don't know, and it honestly isn't that important to me.

Do I believe in Heaven? I hope it exists, but it isn't the reason I choose to be a good person. The fact that my body could just turn into nothing but dust and that my soul disintegrates into oblivion after I die doesn't really scare me. The existence of Heaven or Hell doesn't affect the way I choose to live my life.

I believe God is a universal force that makes nature as wonderful as it is.
He is the reason sunsets are beautiful and why storms are destructive.
God is the moving force behind nature. God is nature.

So just to clarify, what I mean when I say God is "whatever it/he/she is that is the greatest possible good". And yes, I'm aware that he could totally be just inside my head.

I was born to this family, in this country, in this time period, and only God knows why.
I have never gone hungry, and I have God to thank for placing me in a loving family that provides what I need to survive.
I believe it is God who keeps me safe, and it is God who sends things that make me smile, and things or situations that challenge me.

And so I have every reason to believe in the idea of God, because every day I have something to be thankful for, that I could not have achieved on my own. I am thankful for the life I was given, it's easy.

But then I got to thinking:
Could I have said the same things if I were born into the life of poverty? Would I thank God if he placed me in a totally opposite situation? Apart from the actual gift of life, what else would I be thankful for?

This is me trying to examine how superficial my reasons are for believing what I believe.

I wouldn't be able to convince a homeless person that there is a God that loves them. Simply because my reasoning wouldn't apply to them. My telling a homeless person that there is a God that loves them wouldn't alleviate him from his physical situation.

But then again, if faced with a homeless person or any person in need, I would much rather find ways to help him-- to show that a total stranger can love him. Maybe that will renew his faith in people, and just maybe, think that there is a God that works through people.

I believe God is goodness. God is love. The world is a better place when there are more good people. Happiness, the ultimate goal of every human mind and soul, is brought about only by goodness towards the other. I've come to realize that I do have the gift of faith in me, for I think it requires a certain amount of faith to want to help a complete stranger. And I do sincerely want to help the stranger...somehow. I am fully aware that there is no concrete or direct reward from anyone. To give without expecting anything in return. To be good for the sake of just being good -- you can never get that these days. Some call it generosity, I call it courage. How can you not believe in something as grand as the idea of God, when the simplest acts of kindness from the most unexpected situations can put tears in your eyes? It just goes hand in hand for me.

I don't know. I'm the last person who should be preaching to anyone about anything, and I don't intend to. This is a mere examination of my personal faith, and the conclusions my own god-given logic and reason has led to.

Here's my last statement:
I did nothing to be placed in the fortunate position I was born into, just as a homeless child does not deserve a life of hardship from the moment he/she was born. I believe in using your abilities to better the world, in the best way you can, and that every decision should be based on that. Call it building God's kingdom on earth, call it being a good person, or simply call it 'the pursuit to happiness'. That's the only way I know how.

On Learning

Random Thought:

The more you think you know yourself, the harder it is to learn new things.

When we were young, we were naive. Our minds were sponges, absorbing anything fed to us, few questions asked. And then we got older, and we started exploring our selves. I myself distinguished what I really liked from the things I only pretended to like. I assigned myself a particular personality type. I started to become aware of the system that was surrounding my life, and a part of me enjoyed rebellion against that system. I had a better idea of who I was, and therefore I had this notion of what I can and should be learning... which is honestly a very sad fact.

Now when we're older and have entered the phase of what they call "early adulthood", we're supposed to know, or at least have a pretty good idea of who we are. We know what we like, dislike, who we like or dislike, and for the fortunate few, what we want to do with ourselves for the rest of our lives. As I was eating breakfast this morning, I was thinking about my brain's capacity for learning. It's much harder to store new information in my head, and this follows my old theory that the amount of space we can hold in our memory is a fixed amount. Its much easier to store earlier memories of childhood because at that time our brain was just waiting and wanting to be filled. And now that we're done with all the schooling, the space seems so filled up that in order to add anything new, we have to delete older memories. Much like a computer yes.

And then this new thought popped up: What if its hard to learn because we have this fixed notion of who we are and what we should know? "I don't want to learn cooking because I know I won't be good at it." or "I don't have to watch that cheezy TV series because I know I'm not into that stuff." Yes, as our minds mature, along with the ability to absorb, we can now filter information. We can choose what to store and what to discard. And this is very useful, especially since we're in the age where TOO much information is thrown at our faces. We NEED to filter, definitely.

My only problem with this is that we tend to filter information so much that it limits or deters our thirst for new knowledge. It forms a barrier that can often become too solid that we become closed altogether. And I think this is the new skill that we need to learn. It's good to know how to filter information, but don't limit your selective process to what you think you should take in.

In other words, no matter how well you know yourself, don't think that you know enough. No matter how well you think you know the world and its ways, you don't. Allow yourself to be surprised, and allow yourself to discover. Maybe you'll then learn a thing or two.

Bataan and Beyond

The sea was flat, we had no plans. And I hadn't been out of town in a month. I had to go.

Just east of Manila, Bataan is actually nearer to Manila than any other province, separated only by the famous Manila Bay. I've been to a beach in Morong before, and it was gorgeous. There were waves too.

Abe had an uncle from Bagac who supplied his last birthday party with all the freshly grilled oysters we could swallow. I didn't know anything about this place, except that it was probably near the sea (as is every other province in this country!) and they had good oysters. So we spent our Sunday afternoon driving past the Dinalupihan exit (which we always skip to head to Subic) to the uncharted land of Bataan.

It was a scenic drive, with wide paved roads nicely shaded by the shadows of tall trees, passing through rice fields, valleys, and simple barangays. There are 2 main mountains that accent the provincial landscape: Mt Samat and Mt Mariveles. The provide a gorgeous skyline overlooking the place, and gives mountaineers something new to conquer.

Of course we checked out the beaches. Unknown to many, Bataan's west coastline is lined with cliffs and powdery whitish gray sand beaches. The most popular resort there is Montemar, but there are so many other spots just as nice if not more beautiful that are unheard of and probably untrekked. And the part that attracted me the most? The south monsoons where wind is coming from the Southwest brings in large swells -- with no one riding the waves that break near the coast. This is probably the main reason I'll be heading back for now.
Apart from natural beauty, Bataan is notorious for its history. This was where the Japanese first landed during WWII, and where the famous Death March began. I remember the stories of my lolo about this hundred km walk. Many landmarks signifying this experience are found along the main highway, including the very starting point.

Who knew the Philippines has a nuclear power plant? Back in the day, White Westinghouse put up this plant in hopes of God knows what. Today the village is a ghost town, with the giant power plant visible in the horizon from miles away.


One of the more interesting sites we vistited is the future Azucar Heritage Village. Apparently Mr Acuzar invested millions buying old Spanish houses from all over the country and transferring them to this little village in Bagac. These houses will soon be for rent, and it will have a hotel available to tourists for about P7000/night. A brilliidea to preserve this nations dwindling heritage.

I apologize if this came out like a travel article. Whatever it was, I hope it convinces a fellow traveler to visit this place. May this be yet another wake up call that there are so many places in the Philippines that you can't find in TV and in travel magazines that are worth your visit.

There's Hope in the Stranger

This post is for those who have no faith in people they don't know, for those who are paranoid everytime they walk in public streets, and for those who don't think they are obliged to acknowledge the existence of people outside their personal sphere.

After work yesterday I was heading to Greenhills. Since I don't have a car, this would only be possible thru one trike then one jeep ride. Easy.

But it wasn't going to be easy this time. As I was getting off the tricycle, I started rummaging around my bag to find my wallet, and to my idiotic misfortune, it wasn't there. I had nothing to pay the driver with except a bunch of papers, a book entitled "Introduction to Tourism", and my umbrella. So when we got to the shuttle terminal to Greenhills, the conversation went like this:

Me: Pasensya ho, nawawala yung wallet ko. Pwede kong ibigay yung payong ko na lang!
Manong Trike Driver: Okay lang ma'am. Di na lang.
Me: Ha? Sigurado ho kayo!?
Manong Trike Driver: Oo ma'am. Alam nyo naman kung san ako naghihintay. Next time na lang.
Me: Salamat po manong, pasensya po uli.

And so he left. I still didn't have P7 to pay for the jeep to Greenhills. The drivers were telling me to hop on, but I told them I lost my wallet.

Drivers: Sige lang ma'am! Sakay na kayo!

Me (reluctantly): Maraming maraming salamat!!

They let me ride for free again. And my fortune didn't end here. Before one of the passengers stepped off the jeep, he taps my shoulder, quickly says "Eto ate, para makauwi kayo", drops P15 in my hands and gets off the jeep. I was left bewildered.

And so before getting off the jeep in Greenhills, I offered the money I received to the driver. He refused the money and told me to use it to get home.

I didn't need the P15 anymore, since I was meeting up with Abe in Greenhills, and he was to bring me home. I gave them to Abe, and told him to give it to someone who needs it.

Abe: Any beggar in particular you want to give it to?
Me: No, just give it to ANYone.

...
I found my wallet in my room that night (Thank God!), but I went to bed with a smile on my face, and a rejuvenated feeling of hope that people can still do good, even in the smallest ways.

That's all.

Why Tourism?

So, what do you intend to do with your degree in Tourism Development?

A very intelligent and practical person asked me this question after learning of my intentions to study abroad. Naturally, I was stumped.

I don't know exactly what I want to do, but I do know that I want to contribute to this disintegrating nation's development thru the avenue of Tourism. I love telling people about the Philippines. I hate that the world thinks that we are a nation of household help, corrupt politicians and terrorists. I have traveled and lived in this country enough to know that it is more than just beautiful, that it has sites far more interesting than those of other Southeast Asian countries. I want the world to see that this country has more to offer than just good mangoes.

In turn, people will visit these places, specifically outside of Manila, and bring livelihood opportunities to the people. Filipinos will use their natural hospitability to develop simple resorts, restaurants, or simple lodging facilities to accomodate guests. They will show them their local delicacies, develop a taste for perfecting their local products to please guests. They will learn to perfect their artisan skills -- weaving, carving, painting -- to make things that are more useful than a mere souvenir. Tourists will bring money. Money will circulate in places outside of Manila. Rural Filipinos will have less reason to squeeze into the big dirty city just to join the rat race for minimum wage jobs. More importantly, the Filipinos will learn to be proud of what they have to offer. And that pride will develop into a deeper love for their country, which will make them not want to leave it just to offer their skills to make another country richer.

I always knew that if I were to do business, it would have to be export, so that I bring money into the economy instead of out. Tourism is just another way to do just that.

Traveling is what I love, and it is what has made me this friggin idealistic and optimistic about my own country. I just hope that by working in this field, I can let others see the same.

I don't see myself working as a hotel employee (unless under the development side) nor as a flight attendant (why take tourism if you're just gonna serve coffee?). Maybe I could manage a resort, or even start one... Maybe I can apply to the Department of Tourism, but then any sensible citizen knows that working for the government is NOT a smart idea... Maybe I could start a tour company.. starting with one area before the whole country... I don't know.

Working in this industry...... somehow.

To Quit or Not to Quit

So I've been seriously contemplating suicide over the last few weeks and... oh wait did I say suicide? I meant to say RESIGNING FROM MY JOB. Its funny how you can so easily interchange the two as they seem so alike to some.

Anyway, I've been seriously contemplating quitting already. Allow me to write down all the contemplation thoughts, for it might just lead to a decision. You never know.

The good news is that I know what I want my next step to be: To experience short-term living in another country, and to study a course that will equip me with the proper skills needed to really do what I want to do.

In other words, STUDY IN ANOTHER COUNTRY.

Don't get me wrong. Unlike some kids with the same goal, I have every intention of coming back home, to use everything I learned to better my own country somehow. I just feel I NEED to get out to a foreign land and live on my own -- to adjust to a new way of life, hundreds of miles away from my comfort zone that is the Philippines. I know so many people who've done it, and I can't help but be jealous.

In fact, I've decided the best means for me to live in another country is through study and not work, because it has more assurance that I return home after.

And so I've been using our crappy (but free, nonetheless) internet connection in the office for research on schools, courses and scholarship opportunities for the ff courses:

International Sustainable Tourism Development,
Natural Resource Management,
and similar courses thereafter.

It's quite difficult when you have these questions in mind:

1. Which country do you choose? I've been leaning towards Australia, but Hawaii or anywhere else wouldn't be bad either. Just anywhere but the US and the chinese countries really.
2. How in the world do you determine which school to apply to? Every school will claim to be the best if you look online.
3. How in the world am I going to pay for this? Scholarship hunting, here I come.

So first things first. These are things I can do as early as now.

1. Get your diploma and Transcript from Ateneo.
2. Apply for TOEFL or IELTS, pay $170, and pass the goddamn test with flying colors.
3. Keep on looking.

NOW, the question is, can or should I quit my job already?

YES, because 1, it's getting you nowhere, and will get you nowhere;
and 2, it's taking up time that you could use making these applications;

NO, because 1, it's your only constant source of income at the moment.

This is what's gonna happen if I stay with my job:

• I'll continue to go to work everyday from 6-9pm, feel like an idiot at the office, and get paid.
• I get my very first calling card. (Big whoop)

And if I quit,

• From "Wow, you work at Stoked? That's so cool!", to "You left Stoked!?! WHY?!?!!!!"
• I will have to look for other ways to earn while filing my applications, which won't even guarantee instant enrollment. I could be idle for a very long time. Alternate temporary options: commercial modeling, travel writing, teaching surfing
• No more free trip to Siargao
• No more free wakeboarding
  

If it's anything I'm thankful for, it's the people I've met, indirectly thanks to my job. I wouldn't have been exposed to the surfing, skating, and wakeboard world (although I know I'd still be doing these things). If I didn't work at Stoked, I would never have proposed to Abe that night of the Aloha opening. So many things I'm thankful for, so no regrets whatsoever.


... I need to talk to my mother and ask her what she thinks. Unfortunately, her opinion does, and always will matter. But she's always wanted me to quit this job and find other options abroad. I just wonder if she'll allow me to quit with nothing sure to fall back on.

...

This is why people pray for guidance.

Holy Week 2009

Summer yet again in the Philippine Islands. For those in school it means 2 months of freedom-- time to go to the beach and do everything we've been wanting to do. For us at work, it just means it's gonna be a HOT day.

But one thing I appreciate most about living in this Catholic-driven society is Holy Week. The 4-day weekend that allows almost everyone to take a break and enjoy 4 days of leisure. To the traditional Catholics it entails the usual rituals -- Visita Iglesia (visiting 7 Churches), walking the Stations of the Cross, fasting or abstinence, Confession, and of course Mass. In the states Easter is the time for the Easter Egg hunt. What that has to do with Jesus' resurrection, I can't begin to figure out.

But for the non-traditional types like myself, Holy Week means 4 days of freedom. Its a weekend where you can make a long trip to wherever and do whatever. Unfortunately, because the ENTIRE country is on holiday as well, these 4 days have turned into the absolute WORST 4 days of the year to travel. All resorts and flights are fully booked, not to mention very expensive. Just last Thurs, going to Subic took the average traveller 6.5 hours, thats 4 times the usual time of 2 hours. What can you do when you have a line of cars at the SCTEX toll gate reaching a record-breaking 2KM?

I began making plans for Holy Week as early as Feb with my friends. No surprise however, plans didn't push thru. I ended up making some last minute plans with my family to either Sagada or Pagudpud. Those didn't push thru either. I really wanted to make the most out of the weekend.

I had a great weekend nonetheless. As early as Wed night, I tagged along with friends to Subic. Ended up staying there all the way til Friday, where I got to surf in a pristine, empty line-up spot in Zamba -- the most beautiful spot I've surfed to date. Friday night I hopped on a bus back to Manila to make it to the family trip to Caliraya the next day.

And so I spent the holy weekend in Caliraya. What was supposed to be a daytrip turned into another overnight trip for me. (For some reason I like to stay away from Manila as much as I can... I still haven't figured out completely what that says about me.) Spent 2 days lounging around in the 24/7 breeze, had another go at windsurfing, and simply being there.

Instead of taking one long trip this year, I took 2 short but oh-so-sweet trips. I did everything I love to do, and the best part was that I spent less than P1000 for the whole week. Not bad for an unplanned week.

As we prayed as a family on the way to Cali, I just had to say it.. "Thank you Lord for the gift of Holy Week." (In a bitter Catholic way to say it, "Thank you Lord for suffering and dying on the Cross so that we have Holy Week")

But I didn't mean it that way, I'm just thankful for Holy Week.

Lakbayan Grade today

My Lakbayan grade is C+!

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out at Lakbayan!

Created by Eugene Villar.

18 days on my Own

So he's leaving me for 18 days. Now I have all the time to myself and so to make the most out of this, here's my list to keep me busy:

• Finish the comic book you're reading, and start another book
• Try to maximize your Holy Week
• Spend time with the family
• Spend time with friends
• Skate!
• Pole Dance with the surf girls
  
• Prison Break S3 OR Lost S4 OR Felicity S3
• Stay out of trouble
• Stop wishing you were in Siargao

I think this'll do for now :p

Happy Switch ON

My head has been a firehouse of thoughts, emotions, and conclusions lately. I haven't been smiling much, nor laughing. I've become a bore to hang out with, and I honestly don't know how he can stand being with me all the time. (That's one way I know he really loves me, PHEW!)

So I've been restless and anxious for the last few months, ever since the one year deadline I gave myself working at this company passed. I've been wanting to find other options, with the notion that I'm ready to move on with my still-undetermined lifepath. As simple a life I want to live, it's still a slapping truth that staying with this company, whether or not I excel, will not earn me enough. Sure I live simply--still no shopping, no excess gadgets, budget meals, etc-- but I also love to travel, and it's a sad fact that traveling costs moolah-- moolah that's soon to run out if I don't start saving.

The goal was simple -- find a job that ALLOWS you to travel. And I still want that. I still want to experience living in another country temporarily. I want to be lost in translation (ok maybe not), living on my own, immersing into a world totally different from my own.

As much as I love getting lost, it sucks to be lost in your very own home.

So I've been in this "lost" state for months now... and it's still not getting me anywhere.

I choose to be happy. And here are the many reasons why:

1. Screw job dissatisfaction. I'm happy I even have a job. Not just that, I have a fun job coveted by many. Sure, I don't get paid enough. But while I'm still sitting in this desk, might as well perform the best way that I can.
2. Desperately waiting for something that you're not even sure will come is useless. Life is still going on all around you, you should still enjoy it. There are still things to do, bills to pay, and people to love. This doesn't mean I'm losing hope; I would just rather amuse myself with a crossword puzzle while waiting for my big flight than do nothing at all.
   
3. I'm just tired of not smiling.

It takes 2 people to make a relationship work, and only 1 to break it.

I just finished talking to my brother's now ex-gf... after 6 years of being together, he decides to break it off with her. Reasons seemed simple enough. He basically wanted out. After 6 years, he risked letting her go to breathe the single air... Now how that air smells is up to him.

After learning their story and how it ended, I couldn't help but break into tears. I really liked her as a person, and I think my brother is an idiot for letting go of someone like her. Even if she wasn't an "in-law" we'd still get along as friends, cuz we have several things in common. And I think my brother was one lucky dooshbag for having someone like her love him that much.

But you can't control another person's feelings. I guess she loved him more than he loved her. Why that is, I don't understand. And now he left her to find whatever it is he feels he needs that can't be found in their relationship. It's fair and it's normal, but just sad.

I admire her ability to dedicate so much of herself to one person. I've never done that, and I don't know if I ever will. To me it seems like digging your own grave if you give ALL of yourself to someone. I've always been more of the self-protecting type -- always making sure he loves me equally if not more than I love him. I'm the type who makes sure he appreciates me and what I give to the relationship. And once I feel I'm taken for granted, I do some sort of attack to make him see otherwise. It's brutal, but it works to protect myself.

Maybe it's smarter that way, but deep inside I know that's not real love. I don't love fully if I don't give fully, not expecting anything in return, no recognition, reciprocation, nor reward.

I guess that's how love is very much like suicide. Only you give the blade to someone else and its up to them what to do with it.

Evaluated

After more than a year in this company, I finally went through my first evaluation as an employee. Apparently the system here allows a numerical grading system to rate my performance based on certain job descriptions on my contract.

How did I do? I got a 2.5 which is AVERAGE, meaning I meet expectations.

What did I expect? Lower than that, to be honest.

For many weeks now I've been frustrated with this job not because it wasn't fun... not because I find it difficult or stressful. On the contrary, I find it to be to unchallenging, too unstressful, and just plain easy. Yet despite finding my job easy, I still scored a measly 2.5 out of a perfect 5.

Strengths (accdg to my boss)
- fast learner, can quickly understand concepts and instructions, reliable for the most part.

Weaknesses
- still quite the rookie at times, needs to try and initiate more or assert herself
- too easily distracted at times.

Areas for Further Development
- Plan, Prioritize and Execute... weekly, monthly, annually
- Always aim for the best results

Allow me to just vent out my inner reactions....

1. I don't have a system. No daily or weekly schedule to follow, no reports to submit on a regular basis.
2. No one taught me how to do my friggin job!! On the areas they did teach me what to do, I perform FINE.
3. I know I can do WAY better than that. God.

And to think I've been looking for other options already. This job won't earn me any savings. And it seems like the only way to be earning a comfortable rate is if I friggin own the company. But then should I leave knowing I didn't even perform well at this job... ? I've always been the type to aim for good grades and to impress the superiors, which is why this frustrates me.

It's like getting a C in History because you weren't there for the lecture before the exam.

So what to do from here?
Well for as long as I'm still in the company, I told myself I'd make the most out of it. Being a rookie is NOT an excuse! A lot of the above are also my fault and I'm well aware of that. So here's my next list:

NOTES-TO-SELF to do better in this job:
1. Formulate a FULL to-do list (think of more things to do apart from what they tell you)
2. If you're stuck doing nothing, GO TO A STORE
3. Visit each store at least once every month
4. Bring a notebook and pen to note ideas
5. FOLLOW UP on those ideas when you get back to the office.
6. Initiate your OWN weekly/monthly reports.
7. During events, clarify your role and to-do's.
8. ASK questions.
9. SUCK UP to the boss, for once.

..........
10. Find other options.

25 Things I didn't Post on Facebook

Everyone in the social networking world including myself shared 25 random facts about themselves. The more entertaining your list, the better. Of course there are millions of random tidbits I could write -- some useless, some funny, some just plain random.

I just want to do it again, without the pressure of having to delight whoever will read it. Here goes...

1. I once stopped liking a guy when I found out he didn't enjoy desserts.
2. I am a horrible sister. I'm nice to everyone in the world except my sister. I'm improving as we're getting older, thank God.
3. I hate wasting time. I should clarify that doing nothing doesn't necessarily mean wasting time. Wasting time is doing something for a reason you don't even like or need.
4. I don't wear watches because they make me feel constrained.
5. I live by the philosophy that I was very fortunate to be born in a comfortable sphere. I didn't do anything to deserve that (unless you believe in past lives), just as people who are born into poverty didn't deserve it either. Now I try to live my life in such a way that'll make me worthy to have everything I was blessed with.
6. I am my own worst critic. I used to record my singing voice and dissect what was wrong. I also do it with performance videos and articles I write. I want to be the first to pinpoint faults before other people do. But I'm always open to criticism from others. If there's something you don't like about me, for the love of God, just tell me.
   
7. I've realized lately that I do believe in the concept of God-- that that which nothing greater can be thought. God is responsible for everything that is out of my control. Call him a spirit, a force, a friend or a Father, I just know that I didn't get to where I am on my own, and I thank "God" for that. And I think everyone's relationship with "God" is different.
   
8. My pager number was 1277-13190. My ICQ number was 14145391. And I remember when our landline number was 702979 and 786382 (only 6 digits)
   
9. One day I will shave my head. I will I will I will.
10. I have nothing but respect for those who work with charities and NGOs. How I wish I had your courage to follow your passion.
11. I have always suffered from the conflict of my skills vs interests. I was always better at Math, but I wish I was better at art.
12. Right now I'm not doing anything to alleviate the less fortunate, but I try to compensate by living as simply as possible. I don't know if that helps, but it's all I can do for now.
    
13. My whole life I've been told I was pretty, therefore I spent my entire life trying to prove there's more to me than that.
14. The most I've cried in my entire life was when my shih tzu named Checkers was dognapped from our house. He was my first dog and I was 10 when we got him. Up to now I still have dreams that he shows up at our doorstep.
15. How can I be good at business when I have no desire to make a lot of money?
16. I would kiss a rat before even touching a cochroach.
17. I wish I could live under the sea forever. If you haven't seen a thriving Philippine coral reef 80ft under the ocean surface, you haven't seen anything.
18. I don't date perfect looking guys. Ok, maybe just ONE date, but that's about it.
    
19. I don't like swimming pools unless they're deep with a good diving board. Otherwise it's just plain boring.
    
20. If I don't sweat massively or do anything physically strenuous at least once a week, I get grumpy.
21. I thoroughly enjoy the company of the "weird".
22. I don't carry a makeup pouch in my bag, but I always have bandaids.
23. I miss pole vaulting and I wish that non-basketball sports careers were an actual option in this country.
24. I have this theory that the amount of space in our brain is a fixed number. As more information comes in, others are pushed out. But there are memories that were embedded early enough for them to be stacked in so deep that they'll never go away. It also explains why I would read so many encyclopedia-type books as a child--I was trying to fill the empty space in my brain. And now that I'm older, I don't have that same thirst for knowledge... although I still try. It's harder to learn things as you get older.
    
25. I deeply appreciate the education I got from Ateneo, I just wish the values they tried to emphasize could be instilled in every graduate. I still wish I took up Marine Biology for college.
    

Ego Tripping

When you mention my name to someone I know, automatically someone thinks "sporty girl". I grew up being the tomboyish one-of-the-boys types, and as I grew older, despite the many hobbies and interests I went through, I still end up going back to my love for sports and physical outdoor activities as my "thing". Everyone has his/her own "thing", mine was always sports.

From ballet I switched to gymnastics. Then softball, badminton, volleyball, swimming, track&field. Then there are the alternative sports -- biking, rollerblading, skateboarding, wakeboarding, surfing. Recently I took up salsa dancing and now pole dancing. I usually learn faster than average, and I've had my share of achievements.

And so I came to ponder on why I love sports so much.

Do I love sports because I'm good at them, or am I good at sports because I love them?

What makes us love what we do? Of course being good at it helps. I could excel at things that I didn't necessary like. Running for example, I didn't enjoy so much, but I could do well. And so the thought that I did sports to boost my ego just scared me. It shouldn't be the reason, and I won't accept that I even need to boost my ego. I guess the years of being idle after college makes you crave that recognition that was once stuffed down your throat. It's just ironic, but I guess it's human nature to want that sense of worth.

But I do love sports, win or lose. I love moving. I love sweating and feeling tired. I love being challenged, and struggling through a challenge. I enjoy flipping. I like speed. I like the thought of almost dying. I'm a self-proclaimed adrenaline junkie.


Thank God. I feel better already.

2009.. The year of the ?

I begin every new year with a list of To-Do's. I like to keep them as simple and realistic as possible because I really do subconsciously tune my brain to completing them before the year ends. Last year I listed things like:

stay with my job til the end of the year-- check!
grow my hair -- check
go to siargao -- double check
learn to surf -- check

Of course I dont get to do everything on the list. I didn't get to go to Vigan or Sagada, and I failed miserably at staying single. But you can't have everything in life. And besides, there's always next year.

And so I begin 2009 on a high note.

First step: CUT MY HAIR.
2 weeks ago, I went from this:
TO THIS: So yeah, from the longest hair I've ever had, to the shortest so far. It's a refreshing change, even if someone thought I was a dike, even if I look like a boy. I like it.

I want things to change this year. It's the year of the ox. It's MY year. I'm turning friggin 24. Time to earn myself some money that will give me a future. Time to face the reality that I still have absolutely NO idea what to do with my life. I've been in this anxious mental state for quite some time now, which explains why I had such a hard time writing down my 2009 goals... so here they are, open-ended, and in question marks.

• Stay with my low-paying job and attempt to reach sales targets for a very minimal amount of commission incentive?
• Go international, but where? Australia? To work or to study? To do what? To study what?
• Start a business here?
• Buy yourself a car?
• Europe with Abe?
  

Okay okay.. remember, SIMPLE things. Yes, these I can do:

• Keep your hair short
• Take care of your relationships: Love, family, friends
• Make more friends
• Find a new sport/hobby
• Get a tattoo
• Stay fit -- run more
• Stick to no beef/pork diet
• Save money -- BUDGET
  
• Find alternative ways to earn money
• LOCATIONS: Sagada, Vigan, Pagudpud, Lanuza, Samar, Siquijor
  

Sucks to be lost. But hey, as Reality Bites said it best:

"The only person you should be at 23, is yourself."

I wish it was just that easy.

Here's to another year fellas. Cheers!