Happy Switch ON

My head has been a firehouse of thoughts, emotions, and conclusions lately. I haven't been smiling much, nor laughing. I've become a bore to hang out with, and I honestly don't know how he can stand being with me all the time. (That's one way I know he really loves me, PHEW!)

So I've been restless and anxious for the last few months, ever since the one year deadline I gave myself working at this company passed. I've been wanting to find other options, with the notion that I'm ready to move on with my still-undetermined lifepath. As simple a life I want to live, it's still a slapping truth that staying with this company, whether or not I excel, will not earn me enough. Sure I live simply--still no shopping, no excess gadgets, budget meals, etc-- but I also love to travel, and it's a sad fact that traveling costs moolah-- moolah that's soon to run out if I don't start saving.

The goal was simple -- find a job that ALLOWS you to travel. And I still want that. I still want to experience living in another country temporarily. I want to be lost in translation (ok maybe not), living on my own, immersing into a world totally different from my own.

As much as I love getting lost, it sucks to be lost in your very own home.

So I've been in this "lost" state for months now... and it's still not getting me anywhere.

I choose to be happy. And here are the many reasons why:

1. Screw job dissatisfaction. I'm happy I even have a job. Not just that, I have a fun job coveted by many. Sure, I don't get paid enough. But while I'm still sitting in this desk, might as well perform the best way that I can.
2. Desperately waiting for something that you're not even sure will come is useless. Life is still going on all around you, you should still enjoy it. There are still things to do, bills to pay, and people to love. This doesn't mean I'm losing hope; I would just rather amuse myself with a crossword puzzle while waiting for my big flight than do nothing at all.
   
3. I'm just tired of not smiling.

It takes 2 people to make a relationship work, and only 1 to break it.

I just finished talking to my brother's now ex-gf... after 6 years of being together, he decides to break it off with her. Reasons seemed simple enough. He basically wanted out. After 6 years, he risked letting her go to breathe the single air... Now how that air smells is up to him.

After learning their story and how it ended, I couldn't help but break into tears. I really liked her as a person, and I think my brother is an idiot for letting go of someone like her. Even if she wasn't an "in-law" we'd still get along as friends, cuz we have several things in common. And I think my brother was one lucky dooshbag for having someone like her love him that much.

But you can't control another person's feelings. I guess she loved him more than he loved her. Why that is, I don't understand. And now he left her to find whatever it is he feels he needs that can't be found in their relationship. It's fair and it's normal, but just sad.

I admire her ability to dedicate so much of herself to one person. I've never done that, and I don't know if I ever will. To me it seems like digging your own grave if you give ALL of yourself to someone. I've always been more of the self-protecting type -- always making sure he loves me equally if not more than I love him. I'm the type who makes sure he appreciates me and what I give to the relationship. And once I feel I'm taken for granted, I do some sort of attack to make him see otherwise. It's brutal, but it works to protect myself.

Maybe it's smarter that way, but deep inside I know that's not real love. I don't love fully if I don't give fully, not expecting anything in return, no recognition, reciprocation, nor reward.

I guess that's how love is very much like suicide. Only you give the blade to someone else and its up to them what to do with it.

Evaluated

After more than a year in this company, I finally went through my first evaluation as an employee. Apparently the system here allows a numerical grading system to rate my performance based on certain job descriptions on my contract.

How did I do? I got a 2.5 which is AVERAGE, meaning I meet expectations.

What did I expect? Lower than that, to be honest.

For many weeks now I've been frustrated with this job not because it wasn't fun... not because I find it difficult or stressful. On the contrary, I find it to be to unchallenging, too unstressful, and just plain easy. Yet despite finding my job easy, I still scored a measly 2.5 out of a perfect 5.

Strengths (accdg to my boss)
- fast learner, can quickly understand concepts and instructions, reliable for the most part.

Weaknesses
- still quite the rookie at times, needs to try and initiate more or assert herself
- too easily distracted at times.

Areas for Further Development
- Plan, Prioritize and Execute... weekly, monthly, annually
- Always aim for the best results

Allow me to just vent out my inner reactions....

1. I don't have a system. No daily or weekly schedule to follow, no reports to submit on a regular basis.
2. No one taught me how to do my friggin job!! On the areas they did teach me what to do, I perform FINE.
3. I know I can do WAY better than that. God.

And to think I've been looking for other options already. This job won't earn me any savings. And it seems like the only way to be earning a comfortable rate is if I friggin own the company. But then should I leave knowing I didn't even perform well at this job... ? I've always been the type to aim for good grades and to impress the superiors, which is why this frustrates me.

It's like getting a C in History because you weren't there for the lecture before the exam.

So what to do from here?
Well for as long as I'm still in the company, I told myself I'd make the most out of it. Being a rookie is NOT an excuse! A lot of the above are also my fault and I'm well aware of that. So here's my next list:

NOTES-TO-SELF to do better in this job:
1. Formulate a FULL to-do list (think of more things to do apart from what they tell you)
2. If you're stuck doing nothing, GO TO A STORE
3. Visit each store at least once every month
4. Bring a notebook and pen to note ideas
5. FOLLOW UP on those ideas when you get back to the office.
6. Initiate your OWN weekly/monthly reports.
7. During events, clarify your role and to-do's.
8. ASK questions.
9. SUCK UP to the boss, for once.

..........
10. Find other options.

25 Things I didn't Post on Facebook

Everyone in the social networking world including myself shared 25 random facts about themselves. The more entertaining your list, the better. Of course there are millions of random tidbits I could write -- some useless, some funny, some just plain random.

I just want to do it again, without the pressure of having to delight whoever will read it. Here goes...

1. I once stopped liking a guy when I found out he didn't enjoy desserts.
2. I am a horrible sister. I'm nice to everyone in the world except my sister. I'm improving as we're getting older, thank God.
3. I hate wasting time. I should clarify that doing nothing doesn't necessarily mean wasting time. Wasting time is doing something for a reason you don't even like or need.
4. I don't wear watches because they make me feel constrained.
5. I live by the philosophy that I was very fortunate to be born in a comfortable sphere. I didn't do anything to deserve that (unless you believe in past lives), just as people who are born into poverty didn't deserve it either. Now I try to live my life in such a way that'll make me worthy to have everything I was blessed with.
6. I am my own worst critic. I used to record my singing voice and dissect what was wrong. I also do it with performance videos and articles I write. I want to be the first to pinpoint faults before other people do. But I'm always open to criticism from others. If there's something you don't like about me, for the love of God, just tell me.
   
7. I've realized lately that I do believe in the concept of God-- that that which nothing greater can be thought. God is responsible for everything that is out of my control. Call him a spirit, a force, a friend or a Father, I just know that I didn't get to where I am on my own, and I thank "God" for that. And I think everyone's relationship with "God" is different.
   
8. My pager number was 1277-13190. My ICQ number was 14145391. And I remember when our landline number was 702979 and 786382 (only 6 digits)
   
9. One day I will shave my head. I will I will I will.
10. I have nothing but respect for those who work with charities and NGOs. How I wish I had your courage to follow your passion.
11. I have always suffered from the conflict of my skills vs interests. I was always better at Math, but I wish I was better at art.
12. Right now I'm not doing anything to alleviate the less fortunate, but I try to compensate by living as simply as possible. I don't know if that helps, but it's all I can do for now.
    
13. My whole life I've been told I was pretty, therefore I spent my entire life trying to prove there's more to me than that.
14. The most I've cried in my entire life was when my shih tzu named Checkers was dognapped from our house. He was my first dog and I was 10 when we got him. Up to now I still have dreams that he shows up at our doorstep.
15. How can I be good at business when I have no desire to make a lot of money?
16. I would kiss a rat before even touching a cochroach.
17. I wish I could live under the sea forever. If you haven't seen a thriving Philippine coral reef 80ft under the ocean surface, you haven't seen anything.
18. I don't date perfect looking guys. Ok, maybe just ONE date, but that's about it.
    
19. I don't like swimming pools unless they're deep with a good diving board. Otherwise it's just plain boring.
    
20. If I don't sweat massively or do anything physically strenuous at least once a week, I get grumpy.
21. I thoroughly enjoy the company of the "weird".
22. I don't carry a makeup pouch in my bag, but I always have bandaids.
23. I miss pole vaulting and I wish that non-basketball sports careers were an actual option in this country.
24. I have this theory that the amount of space in our brain is a fixed number. As more information comes in, others are pushed out. But there are memories that were embedded early enough for them to be stacked in so deep that they'll never go away. It also explains why I would read so many encyclopedia-type books as a child--I was trying to fill the empty space in my brain. And now that I'm older, I don't have that same thirst for knowledge... although I still try. It's harder to learn things as you get older.
    
25. I deeply appreciate the education I got from Ateneo, I just wish the values they tried to emphasize could be instilled in every graduate. I still wish I took up Marine Biology for college.
    

Ego Tripping

When you mention my name to someone I know, automatically someone thinks "sporty girl". I grew up being the tomboyish one-of-the-boys types, and as I grew older, despite the many hobbies and interests I went through, I still end up going back to my love for sports and physical outdoor activities as my "thing". Everyone has his/her own "thing", mine was always sports.

From ballet I switched to gymnastics. Then softball, badminton, volleyball, swimming, track&field. Then there are the alternative sports -- biking, rollerblading, skateboarding, wakeboarding, surfing. Recently I took up salsa dancing and now pole dancing. I usually learn faster than average, and I've had my share of achievements.

And so I came to ponder on why I love sports so much.

Do I love sports because I'm good at them, or am I good at sports because I love them?

What makes us love what we do? Of course being good at it helps. I could excel at things that I didn't necessary like. Running for example, I didn't enjoy so much, but I could do well. And so the thought that I did sports to boost my ego just scared me. It shouldn't be the reason, and I won't accept that I even need to boost my ego. I guess the years of being idle after college makes you crave that recognition that was once stuffed down your throat. It's just ironic, but I guess it's human nature to want that sense of worth.

But I do love sports, win or lose. I love moving. I love sweating and feeling tired. I love being challenged, and struggling through a challenge. I enjoy flipping. I like speed. I like the thought of almost dying. I'm a self-proclaimed adrenaline junkie.


Thank God. I feel better already.

2009.. The year of the ?

I begin every new year with a list of To-Do's. I like to keep them as simple and realistic as possible because I really do subconsciously tune my brain to completing them before the year ends. Last year I listed things like:

stay with my job til the end of the year-- check!
grow my hair -- check
go to siargao -- double check
learn to surf -- check

Of course I dont get to do everything on the list. I didn't get to go to Vigan or Sagada, and I failed miserably at staying single. But you can't have everything in life. And besides, there's always next year.

And so I begin 2009 on a high note.

First step: CUT MY HAIR.
2 weeks ago, I went from this:
TO THIS: So yeah, from the longest hair I've ever had, to the shortest so far. It's a refreshing change, even if someone thought I was a dike, even if I look like a boy. I like it.

I want things to change this year. It's the year of the ox. It's MY year. I'm turning friggin 24. Time to earn myself some money that will give me a future. Time to face the reality that I still have absolutely NO idea what to do with my life. I've been in this anxious mental state for quite some time now, which explains why I had such a hard time writing down my 2009 goals... so here they are, open-ended, and in question marks.

• Stay with my low-paying job and attempt to reach sales targets for a very minimal amount of commission incentive?
• Go international, but where? Australia? To work or to study? To do what? To study what?
• Start a business here?
• Buy yourself a car?
• Europe with Abe?
  

Okay okay.. remember, SIMPLE things. Yes, these I can do:

• Keep your hair short
• Take care of your relationships: Love, family, friends
• Make more friends
• Find a new sport/hobby
• Get a tattoo
• Stay fit -- run more
• Stick to no beef/pork diet
• Save money -- BUDGET
  
• Find alternative ways to earn money
• LOCATIONS: Sagada, Vigan, Pagudpud, Lanuza, Samar, Siquijor
  

Sucks to be lost. But hey, as Reality Bites said it best:

"The only person you should be at 23, is yourself."

I wish it was just that easy.

Here's to another year fellas. Cheers!

Know the Feeling

Not very long ago, a friend texted me:

Miks, tanong ko lang ha.. ano ba talaga meaning ng 'stoked'?

My head went around in circles thinking of an answer, and so I just replied:

"When you finally get to try surfing or wakeboarding or skating, you'll know."

According to Mr Webster,

stoked
adj. Slang

1. Exhilarated or excited.
2. Being or feeling high or intoxicated, especially from a drug.

He doesn't mention anything about sports.. he probably never surfed.

Now before writing this, I thought to myself, who am I to define the word? I'm no professional. Sure, I can catch a wave, I can ride the wake, and I can skate a bit, but I won't claim to be the all-knowing advocate for stoke.

All I know is, I've felt it. I felt it the first time I felt my board glide across the water with me standing on it, I felt it when I finally landed a ramp attempt in the cable park. I felt it when I skated down that dreaded Pili corner and lived to tell about it (with a bunch of scars to support my story). I even felt it the first time I lifted off the ground with my pole (when I was learning to Pole Vault back in college), I feel it everytime I jump off a cliff, and I felt it when I first touched a turtle while diving.

Maybe it's just a feeling of accomplishment, or a pure adrenaline rush. I've read articles even trying to study the exact chemicals in the brain that produce the feeling, and even the author found it difficult to conceive.

Anyway, this is my feeble attempt:
I think it's a feeling of temporary ecstasy/exuberance brought about by a feat you never thought you could or would do... with an addictive property that will keep you eternally hungry for more.

It's the feeling that brought forth extreme sports, competitions, and billion-dollar industries. It's the feeling that started the company I work for, and it's the reason the company lives on.

It's true when they say that the beginners who stand up for the first time can be just as stoked as those psychotic surfers who drop down 40ft faces and come out alive with the biggest smiles on their faces.Whatever it is, it's a feeling that should be shared and passsed on from one person to the next... to add a little less stress and bring a whole lot more joy as we each strive to breathe through our lifetimes on this awesome planet.



Ok, I'm done now.