Back from the Islands

DISCLAIMER: This blog entry is written for myself, for personal documentation purposes only. You're not expected to relate, whoever you are.

Nine days in the remote island of Siargao well spent.. 9 days of supposed work, surf, explorations, parties, and personal encounters. I went there for the 2008 Billabong Cloud9 Invitational, thanks to the very fortunate coincidence that the company I work for sponsored it. However, I was able to extend my stay for more than the 7-day competition window, as I personally wanted to see more of the island, as well as spend time with friends there.

I'm only writing now to document quite an interesting trip it was for me personally. At that very moment I left for Siargao, there were several things I wanted to accomplish:

• for myself: surf with my new longboard for the first time (and get better at surfing)
• for job 1: help out with whatever work has to be done, although minimal
• for job 2: see and experience enough to accomplish a good travel article about the island
• for myself: overcome or maybe accomplish that sense of independence despite being in a relationship
• for him: spend time with him in his home turf.

With all of this in mind, the event ongoing, plus everyone who was there, including the very boyfriend I was trying to somewhat detach from, I ended up mixing around my 3 functions there, which resulted in a whirlwind of emotions bottled up inside me. I wanted to prove to my boss that I was useful and worth sending to the island, I wanted to experience the island without his help, I wanted to surf.

The trip had its major highs which involved either a good surf session or a pristine swim with stingless jellyfish, as well as major lows involving me breaking down at midnight and walking along the pitchblack road pissed off at myself for not being able to withstand certain sleeping conditions.

A big part of me forgot that I was there for the competition itself, because it meant sacrificing certain hours that could have been spent surfing or traveling around. It all came down on me when I missed the finals of the competition--possibly the most exciting finals EVER, as our very own local team rider won. I cried my heart out for missing it, and I guess this is me trying to figure out why I reacted so extremely.

Normally a trip to a place like this would mean consistently happy days, as you are always discovering, relaxing and having fun. Guess its different when other things are involved such as work.

Lesson learned: PMS is a bitch.

Magis my Ass.

This morning I dropped my sister to school. Its been months since I last entered the premises of my alma mater, and apart from some new buildings and cobblestone roads, NOTHING'S changed.

As I was on my way driving out, there was a Pajero in front of me, with an arm that sticks out of the right side and flicks a used cigarette onto the dry grass.

I drive ahead of it, and wasn't surprised to see 2 male students sitting in the front seats in shades with their windows down.

Anger, frustration, but mostly disappointment entered my head.

First of all, YOU SHOULDN'T BE SMOKING. It's a non-smoking campus. Thats what those "smocket gardens" are for goddamit.

Secondly, DON'T THROW YOUR BUTT ON DRY GRASS!! It's not just littering, it's DANGEROUS!! That's how forest fires are started you idiot.

Thirdly, (and this is for ADMU), whatever it is you're trying to teach your 1st-rate-educated-elite is NOT working. They are still as ignorant as ever.

Gaaaaaahhhhhhh.

Restlessly Happy

Jone Johnson Lewis:

The human condition is that we are individuals in relationship, and there are tensions between individuality and relatedness. A humanist spirituality is not one of complete dependence, nor of complete independence -- neither condition can be defended as primary. Rather, a humanist spirituality is one of interdependence.

How are you?

My consistent answer: "Restlessly happy"

Over the last 6 months, I've been in love with the Traveler. I mentioned him once and I'll update this blog today. This will explain why I've been missing from the online blog world for quite some time (despite my overly updated Facebook profile). Ironically, my recent entries were all celebrating my single life and how I told myself I'd stick to it for as long as I can. God really has a peculiar way of acting. He throws things at you before you even know you want it, before you even think you NEED it. I didn't want a relationship, yet I meet someone that seems to be everything I've ever dreamed of in a person. The romantic in me gave way. This one doesn't come around very often.

It's the first time I'm with someone with Marriage as the end in mind. It's no longer the temporary just-for-now-while-its-convenient-for-bo

th-of-us kind of thing. I hate that I've said this before, but this really is different, and for the first time ever, I can say this one will be hard to lose. I'm in this because I could be severely hurt, because he could be my first heartbreak... and of course, because we really do get along overwhelmingly well.

Here are a few of the many positive changes that have occured in the last 6 months. These are reasons I've been HAPPY lately, with myself and with him:

• Traveling out of town every chance we get.. Siargao, Camiguin, Baguio, La Union, Pinatubo, etc
• Friend network expansion, especially in the surf community
• Skateboarding - now one of my favorite pastimes.
• New ideas, new books, new movies
• I bought a surfboard -- my first 5 digit expense for myself
• I still get to wear slippers to work
• The security and comfort you get from loving and being loved

On the other hand, just like in economics, there are tradeoffs to everything. In exchange for my blossoming love life, I've also been RESTLESS for several reasons

• I've been away from my online blog semi-life for months.. only updating my handwritten journal when I rarely find time. (Haven't decided what this implies though)
• I haven't finished any of the books I started,
• I seen my family and Cucumberd friends less
• Much less external opportunities to find new hobbies
• Less drive to find a job abroad... (I still want to do it, but I'll admit less than before)
• Still lost career-wise, earning just enough to live day by day with very little savings.
• I still don't think I'm doing my job well at all...

For these reasons I told him I needed to be more independent... I feel as if I'm losing myself somewhat in the middle of all the happiness... if that's even possible. I miss my alone time, my not-needing-anyone-else-to-be-happy time. I miss time spent at home. I miss my Cucumberd friends. I miss reading, and I miss sports. I miss my drive to learn and the things I would end up doing due to boredom. Whether or not I can have these all while still being with him, I don't know.. which is why I asked for a few days off.

Whatever happened to my dreams of becoming a Marine Biologist? New idea: Take up Engineering and develop sustainable designs (inspired by 11th Hour). The treehugger in me has been poking me at the back of my head and I don't know what to do about it.

The Stranger

Dedicated to The Stranger

I step out of the comfort of my home and there you are.
I do not know you, you do not care to know me.
You knock on my window, forcing the heavy cloud of guilt through my veins.
You are feared, because you are unknown.

I grew up in a home where you were not acknowledged.
You are not my responsibility, as I am not your burden to bear.
My concern is my destination, my next task on my personal agenda.
And yet you always seem to show yourself, no matter where I go.

The truth is, I do acknowledge your presence.
You exist to me as another human being, with a mind, body and soul.
I see the mind behind the pitiful gaze, and I honestly wonder what you are thinking as you ask me for help.
Can you blame me for not giving anything?
Do you hate me for not giving?
Do you expect me to help you?

The scarier part of this all is that i think its not just me.
EVERYONE knows that you exist.
Sadly, everyone denies it.
They choose not to be burdened, not to feel bad for the life they live.
Other people can do it so easily, to go on their pursuit for happiness, the way they think they'll find it.
They can do it without your presence to pull them down.
I admire their strength, for I cannot do that.
I cannot sit comfortably in my car while your child is freezing in the rain.
I cannot enjoy a P200 meal when I know it's enough to feed your entire family.
And it makes it difficult for me to live like this.
Especially when I don't know what to do about it.
When there's nothing I can do about it.

This is me being totally honest, and totally alone.

Reliving Childhood

One of the things I like most about my job right now is the industry I'm in. I love that my work is people's play. We sell apparel and gear for wakeboarding, skating, or surfing -- which are things a majority of adults would only do to "get away" or "try something extreme" or "relive childhood". But to myself, and the select few out there, it's more than just something you do on a whim-- it's a LIFESTYLE-- and my lifestyle has definitely changed thanks to the circumstances my job has offered me.

Thanks to the things and people I've been exposed to, I now spend some of my weeknights carving along the streets of High Street or Forbes or Dasma on a longboard skateboard. I have 3 new blatantly visible scars on my arms and knees which resulted from my idiotic attempts to go down the big hills without any protection (not to mention lack of experience).



I remember spending my summer afternoons outside the house-- the lone little girl with glasses rollerblading with the boys, also attempting to jump over chairs, little bikes, going down stairs and what not. I would do 360s, 180s, etc. I was even convinced I could've made it to the X-games if I never stopped. (I was a cocky little girl)

After all my near-death incidents from longboarding, I decided to do the next "smart" thing--

I BOUGHT MYSELF A PAIR OF ROLLERBLADES!!
While all the itching surfers are getting their stoke fix from their Sector9's, I decided to go down those big hills on a pair of inline skates, just like I used to when I was 9 years old. Even though I'm probably the only female skater my age within a 10mile radius, at least I'm more comfortable with what I'm doing, and its back to rediscovering my old tricks. And it's a great way to burn those damn Krispy Kreme donuts in my growing tummy.

I told my mom I bought myself a pair of roller blades and she just said,

"Are you trying to be a kid again?!"


Hey, since when is that a bad thing?

And this is my goal for the coming months:




INSPIRATION!!!

Things of Value, Love included

A friend of mine centered his blog on the things we value in our lives. Each person has his own standards for what is valuable, and that determines not just his purchasing choices, but his life choices as well. Recently I got to thinking about this in relation to myself.

I always knew I was a stingy person. I don't spend much on clothes, magazines, or expensive food. I hate paying for parking, and you'll rarely find me at the mall on a leisure day. I never aimed to be rich, and I want to live a nice consumerist-free life in the province one day.

At first I thought it was because I hated money. But now that I think about it, I realized I value money VERY much, which is why I choose my investments carefully. I usually spend my money on my trips out of town, because that is what I love. The things that make me happy are what I value (just like everyone else), but luckily for me, they aren't that expensive. I try to find my happiness from things that wont cost me too much monetarily.

And then I started thinking about my relationship choices. (Brace yourself for an emotional entry.) I've had 3 relationships since I was 18 years old, and I was the one who ended all of them. Why? To answer it as simply as possible, he just wasn't the one. I deeply cared for every single one of them, yet I ended it because there was always something missing. (The problem when you have the traveler's personality is that you can't commit to anything because you know there's always something else out there waiting to be discovered. I'll save that for another blog.) Although I said "I love you" to these guys, I ended it for one reason or another. Maybe it wasn't love in the first place. It all depends on your personal definition, whatever it is. I can't be with anyone for more than a year because I have a list of musthaves and qualities needed. Call them high standards, fine.

Going back to things of value... who you decide to give your heart to is one of the most important investments you'll ever have to make in this lifetime. Can you blame me for being choosy? Before investing in a business, you'd have to make sure of certain things: the people running the business, the background of the company, and most importantly, the POTENTIAL for profit. You can't just choose any business and say "I've decided to invest in you, no matter who you are and what could happen." Unless you're some billionaire who can extract money from his ass.

I know love is a decision and a commitment, but I still have yet to find the right person who I can like, and trust enough to give myself to. Hey, it's all about the search right?

In other words, if you're so frustrated that you can't find the man of your dreams, it simply means you value yourself a lot. And don't ever give yourself up for anyone less than what you think you deserve.

Done.

MY Year of Yes

A few months ago, I read The Year of Yes by Maria Headley, which is a light comedic book about the author's escapades as she decides to say Yes to EVERY person that asks her out for a whole year. She gives in to an open mind and in the process, comes across some of the strangest and most interesting people, and also finds the man she marries in the end. And it's all based on a true story.

I never realized how much I was influenced by this shallow read, until I decided to sit down and list the people I've met over the past 6 months that I've been single. Needless to say, I consider them friends now, and as long as they're fine with just being friends, then I'm fine with them. To mention a few:

• The Lost Taken Guy. This guy was endorsed to me by his EX. He took me to an old bar with his older cousin/tito (which was fine, really). As if that wasn't weird enough, he had a girlfriend--which was fine by me (Thank God!!) So I was totally ok with everything, until he got a little too drunk and let me drive his car to bring myself home. And then he lingered while dropping me off, expecting me to invite him into my GRANDMOTHER's house. What for? I dont even want to know. No thank you.
  
• The Old Aussie executive from ADB. Old enough to be my father. Would not stop calling me at the office to invite me for lunch. Had lunch once to see what he wanted. It was a normal date, save for the fact that he was probably more than twice my age. Never returned his phone calls after that. It just felt wrong.
• The Politician/Party Boy. Belonged to the upper society group. Took me to fancy restos where we wore slippers cuz apparently he's a down-to-earth guy. Ex's included super celebrities and models. Nice guy, but I didn't want to be a "breath of fresh air" for this one. I didn't belong in his world.
  
• The Health Buff. Had a healthy dinner in a Japanese Restaurant. Eats wood for breakfast, counts the number of calories per gram per item of food he ate. Soccer and Fitness. Sorry no can do.
• The Celebrity. Knock Knock. (ME: Who's there?) Celebrity: Bok. (Bok who?) Bok bok. I'm a chicken! Hhahahaa!! Self-explanatory.
  
• The DJ. The best thing about hanging out with a radio DJ? They do all the talking. And they're pleasant to listen to. But I can't be romantically involved with anyone who speaks hiphop. Friends lang please :p
  
• Frenchie. Its the first time a foreigner MY age took interest in me. And I love engaging with foreigners. While I was nice enough to take him around the town and show him the beauty of my country like I always do, he was busy searching for the best way to stick his french tongue down my throat. It's just not how we do it in this country. Friends.

And then there were a few who turned out to be VERY interesting:

• Mr. CEO. Career-driven, a painter/writer/musician, athlete, reader, and family guy. He's too busy of course for anything else, which is a good thing. I enjoy his company simply because its always pure intellectual conversation without expecting anything from each other.
• The Traveler. Been all over the place. Also wants to settle down in the province one day. Self-sufficient and intelligent. Loves art and music. Doesn't carry a credit card. Basically fits the exact profile of my ideal person. And we're friends.
  

The last two people are still around, and I always enjoy their company. The best part about it is that we're all just friends and I don't have to worry about anything else. At this point in my life, the last thing I want is another relationship that starts off passionately romantic and then ends when I realize there's still more out there. Right now it's NOT about dating, but rather meeting all kinds of people. I'm all for network expansion now, and it's been quite an interesting year.

As for the one person I'm meant to be with, I'm letting time and chance determine everything by now. One day he will be more than a stereotype, more than a personality, more than a mere profile. Only time can turn him into a real person, and that's precisely what I'm counting on... whoever he might be.

COMPANIONSHIP

finding someone who is just as LOST as you are in this world of infinite uncertainty
someone who's on the same dot on the map
heading in the same direction
searching for nothing but finding EVERYTHING along the way
looking forward not to the destination, if any, but the PURSUIT.

your fellow wanderer, your partner in life.
- Mika Santos, June 2005