For the Stranger

I was thinking of deleting my Multiply account for obvious reasons. But then I went through its contents and found stuff definitely NOT worth throwing away. This blog entry is one of them.

For The Stranger

I step out of the comfort of my home and there you are.
I do not know you, you do not care to know me.
You knock on my window, forcing the heavy cloud of guilt through my veins.
You are feared, because you are unknown.

I grew up in a home where you were not acknowledged.
You are not my responsibility, as I am not your burden to bear.
My concern is my destination, my next task on my personal agenda.
And yet you always seem to show yourself, no matter where I go.

The truth is, I do acknowledge your presence.
You exist to me as another human being, with a mind, body and soul.
I see the mind behind the pitiful gaze, and I honestly wonder what you are thinking as you ask me for help.
Can you blame me for not giving anything?
Do you hate me for not giving?
Do you expect me to help you?

The scarier part of this all is that i think its not just me.
EVERYONE knows that you exist.
Sadly, everyone denies it.
They choose not to be burdened, not to feel bad for the life they live.
Other people can do it so easily, to go on their pursuit for happiness, the way they think they'll find it.
They can do it without your presence to pull them down.
I admire their strength, for I cannot do that.
I cannot sit comfortably in my car while your child is freezing in the rain.
I cannot enjoy a P200 meal when I know it's enough to feed your entire family.
And it makes it difficult for me to live like this.
Especially when I don't know what to do about it.
When there's nothing I can do about it.

This is me being totally honest, and totally alone.

Has it really come to this

An inferiority complex, in the fields of psychology and psychoanalysis, is a feeling that one is inferior to others in some way. Such feelings can arise from an imagined or actual inferiority in the afflicted person. It is often unconscious, and is thought to drive afflicted individuals to overcompensate, resulting either in spectacular achievement or extreme schizotypal behavior, or both. Unlike a normal feeling of inferiority, which can act as an incentive for achievement (or promote discouragement), an inferiority complex is an advanced state of discouragement, often embedding itself into one's lifestyle, and sometimes resulting in a retreat from difficulties.

......


Yep, sounds about right

Onward to 2010

Hello new year. Once again it's time to get things into perspective.. to once again look back at the past year, whether or not I accomplished what I set out to do.. and then plan for the year ahead.

So to recap my 2009 goals based on last year's recap:

• Keep your hair short -- CHECK
• Take care of your relationships: Love, family, friends -- CHECK?
• Make more friends -- CHECK
• Find a new sport/hobby -- Salsa! Badminton! Check!
• Get a tattoo -- Every year this is here.. every year unchecked.
• Stay fit -- run more -- Well, I lost weight if that's good news.
• Stick to no beef/pork diet - CHECK.. with the occasional must-try meals
• Save money -- BUDGET -- CHECK
• Find alternative ways to earn money -- CHECK
• LOCATIONS: Sagada, Vigan, Pagudpud, Lanuza, Samar, Siquijor -- DIDN'T GO TO ANY OF THE ABOVE

Okay, so at least I can say I got most goals checked. One technique to accomplishment is to keep your goals simple and realistic.  Helps me not feel like such a fat failure too.

SIGNIFICANT MOMENTS of 2009

1. Left Stoked (Aug)
2. A taste of the provincial life with one month in Siargao (Oct)
3. Made an enemy in the surf (July)
4. Smart Ad (paid for my unemployed months)
5. Tara, Alexis and Nika (Rest in peace) (Sept)
6. Trip to Singapore with Bri (June)
7. New laptop (July)
8. Trip to Bali with Abe (Feb)
9. Getting into salsa and dancing for the Manila International Salsa Festival (June - Nov)
10. Winning 4th at the MSA comp (Jan)
11. Typhoon Ondoy destroys Manila (Sept)

Not bad for 2009.. not much either. A year of tragedies and little achievements.

So reality check for 2010: I have a new job and not that much money.  What can I do this year?

• Do your absolute best with the new job (Try getting promoted within one year!)
• Trips already booked: KL-Vietnam-Bangkok in March, another month in Siargao in October
• Paris and other spots in Europe for 2 months? (July-Aug)
• Keep your eyes open for money-making opportunities, or ANY opportunities
• Invest in ASSETS (Thank you, Rich Dad)
• Stay healthy, stay fit
• Keep in touch with friends
• If you want to go do something, JUST DO IT.
• Keep smiling
• Get into more volunteer nonprofit work (at least one project!)

There you have it.. simple.. reasonable.. attainable. Good luck to me, and good luck to us all.

Checkers

Just when I thought the dreams of Checkers were over, it happened again last night.

I dreamt that we found him in some country club, and he was with a maid.. and I recognized him as soon as I held him.. my family was there.. we even checked his belly for stitch scars from his pancreatic operation years ago.. and he was alive.. and I wanted to take him home again.. and then there were people telling me that would be stealing.. and this old lady said that he belonged to someone else, and that it was my fault he got lost.. that I didnt know what I was doing back then.. and I remember screaming at the old lady explaining to her that he was MY dog and was stolen years ago and she has no right to tell me I can't get him back.. and so my sister took Checkers and brought him to the car.. I remember the guards of the place checking my stuff before exiting the premises.. but we managed to get Checkers safely into the car.. to be with us once again.. I remember feeling relieved because I had almost lost hope.. I knew in my dreams that I had dreamt of that moment repeatedly and now it was finally coming true.. He was alive and coming home to us again....

... and then I woke up.

It's amazing how a pet can make such a lasting impact on your life. Checkers was my first pet, a "lhasang shit" that we got back in 1995.. only to be stolen one day from outside our house in 2005. I still haven't cried as much as I did that night.

Freedom and the Insecurity that kills it

With a consistent streak of nonchalance, passiveness, and just plain blah-ness, it naturally comes to a point where it just HAS to stop.  Once again, I do what I do best, which is to shove myself against a corner and say,

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!?


Yes, it helps to do so.

My blah-ness can sometimes be mistaken as unhappiness, which I assure you is not, for I believe that happiness is a much deeper state of mind, a state that requires a choice.  And I still choose to be happy.  Of course this state of happiness is never perfect. We don't live in a constant cloud of ecstasy. If we did then things would just get boring.  There are times when we step off the cloud and into dirt, sometimes waist deep in mud, or shit if you're really unlucky.  It's just one of those days.

So naturally, I ask myself why,Why why WHY are you once again restless and melancholic, especially when no one's looking?  What can you do to reverse your situation and put that smile back on your face? And this is where my handwritten journal comes in handy, where I can doodle and scribble and basically ramble on randomly any thought that slithers into my scattered brain. Basically it boils down to one simple question:

What makes you TRULY happy?

......

FREEDOM

Philosophy defines it as the capacity to determine your OWN choices.
It is exemption from external control, interference, regulation, etc.
Ease or facility of movement or action.


SELF-DETERMINATION.


And lately its been insecurity thats been my biggest hindrance.  It's never really been a plague to me, yet lately it has reared its poisonous face, and sadly, it's letting out the worst in me.  Blame it on unemployment... or the nagging feeling that I haven't accomplished much after college... or the jealousy that I'm not about to work in a foreign country like my best friends are doing.. or the feeling that I've become boring because of lack of interest in things to do in this damn city... or my lack of independence due to not having a means of transportation to do things I do want to do.  Whatever it is, my self-esteem is lingering around the unhealthy levels.  Nowadays I feel useless, helpless, and restless. Like everything I think, do, or say must meet a certain standard.  And I really really hate this feeling.

Must get back on track.

Stop comparing yourself to him.  You are NOT the boring person in this relationship. It's just a matter of getting back to the things that you like to do. Get back into your sports. Start dancing again. Find a friggin surf group.  Reconnect with old friends.  Go biking. Find a climbing buddy. Go running. Go swimming.  Don't be lazy to commute.  Start a new book... YOU KNOW ALL THIS!

The ugliest truth that makes all of the above so hard to do is that none of them can be accomplished with him. You are running out of things to do together.  He's doing what he likes. It's time for you to stop following him around and do your own thing.

GET BACK OUT THERE.

Pep talk for the self. Pathetic, yet necessary once in a while.

Hold That Thought

I sit here watching you.. keeping you company.. helping out in any way I can.
And I know that you couldn't do the same for me, simply because you can't.
And yet I'm here.

I also know that if this ended, you would move on with your life and find another girl who would make a suitable mother for your children, a suitable wife for the life you want to live.
Whereas I, who have questioned my plans because of fear of losing you, will be left in the dirt. This will be my first heartbreak, where more than anything, I would mourn the loss of what could have been.

It hits me at certain moments that I've jumped without a safety net.
And the smarter part of me knows that you won't always be there to catch me.
And yet I choose the foolish part of me that hopes you will.

Island Exile

On Siargao Island...

... The day begins at 8am and we're in bed by 9pm.

... Food options at the market: Fish, Crab, Squid, Chicken

... EVERYONE owns a dog.

... Sunrises are even more breathtaking than sunsets.

... Helmets are a rarity.

... Community and government-sponsored events are the must-sees.

... A bottle of OFF and Betet can save your life.

... Shops close by 5pm.

... ALL the babies are cute!

... Always be ready in case of a black-out. They can last for hours throughout the entire island.

... Skies are bluer than normal. Star-frosted skies are taken for granted.

... You can see a shooting star every night if you wanted.

... A powdery white sand beach is literally a few steps away from your doorstep.

... French is the most useful foreign language to know.

... If you want to do something, JUST DO IT.  If you want something done, DO IT YOURSELF.

... Booties can be your best friend in the surf.

... Don't get sick. Don't get injured either.

... It's almost impossible to be a vegetarian.

... There's no difference between weekdays and weekends.

... People let the schedule of high and low tide determine the day's activities.

... Roads are made with white sand

... Powdered milk can go a long way,.

... Know how to cook, or go broke.

... People come and go, but you can share very interesting moments during the few days together, and maybe even build a lasting friendship.

..................

...... Can you blame me for never wanting to leave?