Hold That Thought

I sit here watching you.. keeping you company.. helping out in any way I can.
And I know that you couldn't do the same for me, simply because you can't.
And yet I'm here.

I also know that if this ended, you would move on with your life and find another girl who would make a suitable mother for your children, a suitable wife for the life you want to live.
Whereas I, who have questioned my plans because of fear of losing you, will be left in the dirt. This will be my first heartbreak, where more than anything, I would mourn the loss of what could have been.

It hits me at certain moments that I've jumped without a safety net.
And the smarter part of me knows that you won't always be there to catch me.
And yet I choose the foolish part of me that hopes you will.

Island Exile

On Siargao Island...

... The day begins at 8am and we're in bed by 9pm.

... Food options at the market: Fish, Crab, Squid, Chicken

... EVERYONE owns a dog.

... Sunrises are even more breathtaking than sunsets.

... Helmets are a rarity.

... Community and government-sponsored events are the must-sees.

... A bottle of OFF and Betet can save your life.

... Shops close by 5pm.

... ALL the babies are cute!

... Always be ready in case of a black-out. They can last for hours throughout the entire island.

... Skies are bluer than normal. Star-frosted skies are taken for granted.

... You can see a shooting star every night if you wanted.

... A powdery white sand beach is literally a few steps away from your doorstep.

... French is the most useful foreign language to know.

... If you want to do something, JUST DO IT.  If you want something done, DO IT YOURSELF.

... Booties can be your best friend in the surf.

... Don't get sick. Don't get injured either.

... It's almost impossible to be a vegetarian.

... There's no difference between weekdays and weekends.

... People let the schedule of high and low tide determine the day's activities.

... Roads are made with white sand

... Powdered milk can go a long way,.

... Know how to cook, or go broke.

... People come and go, but you can share very interesting moments during the few days together, and maybe even build a lasting friendship.

..................

...... Can you blame me for never wanting to leave?

A Turn of Events

I've been planning this month long sabbatical to Siargao since June. I was to spend my whole October there.. and so I booked my ticket as soon as Cebupac went on sale last July..

Come September 26, 2009, the most destructive tropical storm in 4 decades decides to pass thru Metro Manila, dumping a month's worth of rainfall in a matter of 6 hours, drowning entire cities and leaving hundreds of thousands homeless and nearly hopeless.  During this entire ordeal, I was one of the minority of the city whose house was left high and dry.  I could only watch all the chaos on TV and the net as I sat comfortably on my dry chair.  I went to sleep on my overly soft and DRY bed, as thousands of others were spending the night freezing on their roofs.

Sure, I was thankful that our place was spared.. but the feeling that dominated was sympathy and guilt.  A part of me wished I was there suffering with everyone else, and now that I think about it, it was because the more I stayed free from harm, the larger my obligation to help had become.  I wanted to gather clothes and food to give.  I wanted to step out and use my athletic skills to join the rescue efforts I was seeing on TV.  But I didn't have a car.. I didn't know where to start.. I didn't know which organization to call.  The orgs I was closest to, such as Ateneo, had more than enough volunteers.  Red Cross and the big media groups seemed overflowing with volunteers as seen on TV.  I didn't want to be one of those people in a long line just passing a bag from the person in front to the next.

I was to leave Manila for a month in the next few days.  I also had to prepare for my trip.  But I had to make some effort to help.  The day after the storm I bought P500 worth of powdered milk to donate.  On Monday, I dropped by Mt Carmel Church to see how I could help. I helped pack rice into some bags... even if they already had someone else to do it.  The evacuees there had left already.  We went back home soon after.

Some people have gotten sick of watching the news because it made them depressed.  I felt that since I hadn't done much to help, I wanted to watch all the sad news on TV and read all the horror tales and look at all the pictures and videos posted online to make myself feel worse, perhaps so I felt I was "suffering" along with everyone else.  I shed tears several times from these things.

"One good deed is better than a thousand good intentions."

I had every intention to help, but not enough willpower.  As scheduled, I had left for Cebu a few days after the storm, leaving behind disaster-stricken Manila and all the relief operations still very much active.  I've always wanted to get away from the chaotic city life of Manila, but I couldn't help but feel that  I left Manila during the time I felt it needed me most.  And for this reason, I can't seem to forgive myself.

"dont worry, wrapping relief goods is the easy thing.  You are built for something harder where ordinary people will struggle"


Words of extreme comfort from a friend just now.

Hopefully when I get back from Siargao there will still be something I can do.

After the Wake

Everyone has their thoughts piling up in their heads, this is my attempt to lessen my cranial load.

I woke up yesterday morning with one of the most shocking news in my life (the other being the night when my friend was shot on the eve of her birthday, rest in peace Tara.)  We've all heard the story, another one of irreconcilable injustice, that which makes me angry, yet expects me to go on living. (Here's the first News Article about it)

I met Alexis in 2003 in Boracay and would see him by chance maybe once every year in the most random places, like film fests.  We were probably better friends online, when we used to share blog entries and the occasional chats of interesting idea exchange.  I would then see him on TV and read his articles online with the success of his endeavors for Philippine Cinema.  But I won't exaggerate and say were close, it just so happened that he went to Siargao with Nika and Mia to meet Abe, and as Abe's girlfriend, I just so happen to have been there for the send-off dinner for Nika the night it happened. It was only my second time to see Nika.

You don't have to be a close friend to be severely affected by what happened.  Coming home from a lively dinner and dessert night marked by sharing laughs, memories of Siargao, opinions on Mar Roxas stepping down and the rest of our political carnival, Alexis' take on piracy, business ideas, and many other random yet significant topics, I went to bed like any other night -- tired, content, happy, and safe -- only to be awaken by news that will probably never make me feel the same way again.  None of us saw it coming, no omens, no signs, nothing... FOR WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD THINK THAT THEY WOULD BE KILLED IN THE SAFETY OF THEIR OWN HOME?

And then there are the "Could-have-happened's":  If Nika didn't say she was tired, Mia would've come in the house after dropping them to watch a movie.  If Abe's friends weren't already waiting in his house after our dinner, we could've gone to Eggy's house with them to pick up a DVD of a film Abe wanted to see. It could've happened...

I got home last night after the wake feeling unsettled, eerie, and paranoid. This could've happened in ANY household, including my own. It just takes one person who is welcomed into a home yet harbors other intentions. I can't begin to imagine how Nika's family is doing... entrusting her daughter to live all the way in 3rd world Philippines, excitedly awaiting her return. It's just too sad.

More than sad, this incident has made me angry. I have tried to live my life upholding a healthy amount of faith in the goodness of the stranger-- a belief that people are inherently good.  But stories like Tara and now Eggy and Nika make it harder and harder.  Whats worse is, unlike Tara's murder with a random holdupper, this one was caused by their household help, someone they thought they could trust. It's hard to accept that evil like this persists in the world, and even harder to think that some can actually get away with it.  (A part of me wishes I could lead the investigation because we have no idea how "brilliant" our own investigators really are.)  I just became a little less optimistic, (or maybe a little less naive) about the future of this world.  We really are going to shit and if the world ends in whatever way, we probably deserve it.

I'm getting emotional. Back to Eggy and Nika.

It's unfortunate that I'm learning more about Eggy and Nikka through tributes and articles that have been spread to celebrate their memory.  How I wish I would've gotten to know them more on my own terms.  But from their own stories, although short-lived, I have made friends that I will never ever forget.

So to Alexis / Eggy / Aleggy (as Abe cleverly coined) and lovely Nika, if I had known that I this would happen:


To Nika, I would have told you that I think you're really pretty, and that you're the most interesting Slovenian I have and probably will ever meet.  And that I hope to visit you when I go to Slovenia one day. And I was really looking forward to surfing with you as soon as you got back in December.

To Alexis, I would have probably asked you for a list of all the must-sees of Philippine cinema. And if we hung out more after that, eventually I would've tried to get you to eat healthier.
I would've told you both that I truly admire and respect your courage for pursuing your loves for cinema.  You have showed me that you can start from what you love and make something from there. It is truly inspiring and I say this with no BS because I have yet to find that first step to make my life a little more significant to the rest of the world, and I have been trying to absorb all that I can from other people's life stories. My friend Nicola will know what I'm talking about.


It's still surreal, and I don't know if it will ever sink in.  How can you accept the loss of friends that you had just met? I mourn for the loss of two new friends that don't need a lifetime of memories to know they were amazing and remarkable human beings.  I mourn for the loss of what could have been.

May justice be served on those that deserve it.


Rest in peace, Eggy and Nika. In the few days I've known you, you have changed my life. And more importantly, in your years on this earth, you have changed the world, one way or another.

Dancer? Me?

Amidst the bustling city life of Metro Manila, finding something to keep yourself busy with apart from your 8-hour day job can either be really easy or really challenging, depending on your interests. If all you want is a bar with pumping music where alcohol is flowing and girls are dancing, that's readily available. But if you're on the opposite end of the spectrum of personality types such as myself, finding alcohol-free, affordable, good for well-being activities are a little harder to find. Thankfully, I have managed to keep my weeknights occupied with activities and sports that have made me happy, and still within my measly budget.

Every Thursday and Saturday (when I'm not surfing) has been salsa night for me. I took a class with a few friends back in 2007 and have not been able to apply it much since all my salsita friends fled the country. And then I discovered the Salsa nights, and I have been going regularly since June 2009.

Since I don't have much of a day job, this has been the only thing I've been up to that has promised me things to look forward to. I was invited by the head instructor to join their performance group, which of course I gave my immediate YES to. Apart from my newfound love for dancing, it gave me something to train for once again, a chance for me to perform again. It gives my folks another reason to be proud of me.. after 2 years of showing them nothing.

I've been told I was good at it, that I was a natural born dancer. I grew up with dancing being such a normal part of living, as my dad comes from a family of professional dancers. Apparently I have the genes that make up professional dancing, a genetic makeup that I applied solely to sports. Until now, that is.

Anyway, apart from the thrill of training again, I found something that makes me feel good about myself as well, which is one thing I realized I needed, especially now that I'm unproductive and useless to the world. That's probably a big reason I keep coming back.

Well, that and the fact that it really is fun. You should try it :)

Unemployed

For some reason I haven't been inspired to write anything lately.. Maybe it's the interface of blogger.com, I don't know. But too many thoughts have crossed my restless mind lately, and I better get them out here before my head implodes.


So I've stopped going to work.. unless they call me in for a specific task, and until my replacement comes in. I've been staying at home, leaching off my parents' free food and lodging, like many other Filipino youth are doing. (In this country, it's very common to live with the folks until you get married. Although there are also thousands of married couples who STILL live with their folks. Whatever the case, we don't leave family. And hey, I'm not complaining.) As much as I want my old freedom back, where I could go home any time, and sometimes not at all, I'm living under their roof now, and I respect the unwritten rules, even when they don't strictly impose them. Who am I to complain.

My parents are happy I left my job. They never saw it as a real job anyway, which is partly true. Strangely enough, they're not pressuring me (at least not yet) to find a job right away, and I'm so thankful they understand my situation.

Quarter-life crisis, they call it. I'm at that point in my life where the road stops. There is no road to walk down, for I have to be the one to pave my way. I also have to create the different forks to choose from, and then walk down that path, thereby creating my first set of parallel universes. (A parallel universe is the other version of your life, where you chose the other options.)

I am creating my life here and now. Time to make something out of myself. And I have absolutely NO idea what my first step is supposed to be.

That's where I'm at right now, if you can even call that a destination.

Anxiety Attack

Before the month ends, I'll be unemployed.

No back-up source of income to depend on... no definite plan.

And as the day draws nearer, I admit I'm getting scared.

It's the feeling of uncertainty and lack of control that usually scares us. Usually, I welcome this. I love getting lost during trips, simply because I love finding my way back, and I love discovering the unexpected.

But it's a little different when you lose your way on the road of life (I APOLOGIZE FOR THE CLICHE). Maybe it's just the label of "doing nothing" that scares me. I don't know how long I will be "doing nothing".

I gotta lay down my time line. As random as I like to do things, I still need some sort of a schedule.. you always need a plan, one way or another. So here are the things I know I want to accomplish as soon as I leave this poor excuse for a job:

• Search for scholarships and/or attainable job opportunities abroad, given my limited qualifications
• Fix my room as soon as Marla moves out
• Contact the travel mag to tell them I'm free
  
• Pick a month to live in Siargao and try the rural life
  
• Meet up with people from different industries and explore options
• Go even easier on the spending. Cut the cab rides and the big meals over P150. Choose your trips.

I should be excited. This is what it really means to be LOST anyway right? I shall welcome the possibility of absolutely anything, and also nothing at all. I'll learn something from this.

Something big will happen. Soon.