Unemployed

For some reason I haven't been inspired to write anything lately.. Maybe it's the interface of blogger.com, I don't know. But too many thoughts have crossed my restless mind lately, and I better get them out here before my head implodes.


So I've stopped going to work.. unless they call me in for a specific task, and until my replacement comes in. I've been staying at home, leaching off my parents' free food and lodging, like many other Filipino youth are doing. (In this country, it's very common to live with the folks until you get married. Although there are also thousands of married couples who STILL live with their folks. Whatever the case, we don't leave family. And hey, I'm not complaining.) As much as I want my old freedom back, where I could go home any time, and sometimes not at all, I'm living under their roof now, and I respect the unwritten rules, even when they don't strictly impose them. Who am I to complain.

My parents are happy I left my job. They never saw it as a real job anyway, which is partly true. Strangely enough, they're not pressuring me (at least not yet) to find a job right away, and I'm so thankful they understand my situation.

Quarter-life crisis, they call it. I'm at that point in my life where the road stops. There is no road to walk down, for I have to be the one to pave my way. I also have to create the different forks to choose from, and then walk down that path, thereby creating my first set of parallel universes. (A parallel universe is the other version of your life, where you chose the other options.)

I am creating my life here and now. Time to make something out of myself. And I have absolutely NO idea what my first step is supposed to be.

That's where I'm at right now, if you can even call that a destination.

Anxiety Attack

Before the month ends, I'll be unemployed.

No back-up source of income to depend on... no definite plan.

And as the day draws nearer, I admit I'm getting scared.

It's the feeling of uncertainty and lack of control that usually scares us. Usually, I welcome this. I love getting lost during trips, simply because I love finding my way back, and I love discovering the unexpected.

But it's a little different when you lose your way on the road of life (I APOLOGIZE FOR THE CLICHE). Maybe it's just the label of "doing nothing" that scares me. I don't know how long I will be "doing nothing".

I gotta lay down my time line. As random as I like to do things, I still need some sort of a schedule.. you always need a plan, one way or another. So here are the things I know I want to accomplish as soon as I leave this poor excuse for a job:

• Search for scholarships and/or attainable job opportunities abroad, given my limited qualifications
• Fix my room as soon as Marla moves out
• Contact the travel mag to tell them I'm free
  
• Pick a month to live in Siargao and try the rural life
  
• Meet up with people from different industries and explore options
• Go even easier on the spending. Cut the cab rides and the big meals over P150. Choose your trips.

I should be excited. This is what it really means to be LOST anyway right? I shall welcome the possibility of absolutely anything, and also nothing at all. I'll learn something from this.

Something big will happen. Soon.

Recurring Dreams

Dreaming is every man's opportunity to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.

Every morning I set my phone's alarm one hour before the time I really need to get up. I think the SNOOZE button was one of man's greatest ideas. Not only do I get increments of extra 10 mins of sleep, but I also get a variety of dreams within those snoozes.

But I'm not going to talk about my dream last night that involved a large beach house and thousands of GIANT king crabs that were attacking. (At first it looked delicious then the dream just turned into scary!) No, I'm sharing the dreams I have more than once.

The first always involves being back in school. Now I was always the breed of student people would call "diligent". I liked getting high grades, I tried to make it to all my classes, and whatever else these "diligent" students do. I would have these dreams where I'm back in school, and I didn't know that all this time I've had classes to attend. I remember being really worried because of all the classes I've already missed and I'd be running to the classroom totally unsure where it even was. I had no hold of my schedule, or where exactly I was on the road of the academic discourse. It was a very powerless feeling, and I don't like it at all.

The second dream involves my teeth. One thing that I'm pretty sure makes me unique is the fact that I still have baby teeth. The 2 fangs on my upper jaw have never fallen off, and will never fall off, since there was never any teeth below it to begin with. If they do fall off by some freak accident or whatever, I'd have to get permanent pustiso, or fake teeth. Anyway, I always have these dreams where one of teeth is either loose or it falls of completely. It's such a small detail in my dreams, yet it keeps happening. And no, I don't like the feeling either.

Now the challenging and more exciting part about dreams is that they're open for interpretation. During the earlier ages, people believed they were messages from God. I do think dreams have prophetic powers, but ultimately I believe that they're just the subconscious mind's way of telling us things -- the things we don't think about, or the things we refuse to think about. Like in my case, apparently failing in school and losing my teeth are some of my apparent "deepest fears". I don't know. Maybe it's a prophecy that I will indeed be back in school one day. Some people believe that loosing a tooth in a dream means losing a friend or family member to death (which obviously isn't true in my case). Whatever it is, I still look forward to dreams every night, especially the ones that seem the most real. It's the mind's best means to escape reality, adding a little more color to our everyday mediocre lives.


I stop now.

Compromise?

Girl: I want to go.

Boy: I don't want to go, but if you really want to go, let's go.

Girl: I don't want to go if you don't want to go... I'm just wondering if how much i want to go is more than how much you don't want to go.

....

How do you win an argument like this?

One just gives in.

We didn't go.

Resignation

June 10, 2009

Dear Boss,

As much as I'd like to spice up this letter with hifalutin openings and what not, I'll just go on and say that I would like to formally resign from my position in the company. I want to thank you for giving me this opportunity-- for introducing and immersing me into the world of retail. I have definitely learned a great deal about the business, and at the same time had my fair share of fun, and I thank you for that.

It probably doesn't come to you as a surprise that I'm resigning. I do have plans of studying again, but I also need to find other ways to earn more, and I honestly don't see how much growth can happen if I stick with the company. I also know that as much as I enjoyed being a part of this company, it is not the field I see myself working in the long term, for my deepest passions lay elsewhere.

Of course I'll make sure to finish whatever pending business I have right now, and I'll help find an even better replacement.

Again thank you and I apologize for whatever inconvenience this might cause you or the company.

Sincerely,

Mika

---------------------
Phew. I think that'll do.

SENT.

Now what?

Creed

In an earlier entry, I wrote about my personal convictions. I have several entries about God, faith and religion. And as of today, I'm glad to say that I've made a bit of progress in my personal faith journey. Here goes.


I believe in God, the Father Almighty, creator of earth.
STOP.
I believe that God is the greatest possible good, the Alpha and the Omega.
The beginning of everything, and the end of everything.
The smallest and the largest possible existent thought possible.
(To make writing easier, I shall refer to God as a 'He')
He is the answer to the unanswerable, the great unknown.
He is everywhere around me, and yet also within me. He is within everyone.

Is he a person? I don't believe that.
Was he a person? I don't know, and it honestly isn't that important to me.

Do I believe in Heaven? I hope it exists, but it isn't the reason I choose to be a good person. The fact that my body could just turn into nothing but dust and that my soul disintegrates into oblivion after I die doesn't really scare me. The existence of Heaven or Hell doesn't affect the way I choose to live my life.

I believe God is a universal force that makes nature as wonderful as it is.
He is the reason sunsets are beautiful and why storms are destructive.
God is the moving force behind nature. God is nature.

So just to clarify, what I mean when I say God is "whatever it/he/she is that is the greatest possible good". And yes, I'm aware that he could totally be just inside my head.

I was born to this family, in this country, in this time period, and only God knows why.
I have never gone hungry, and I have God to thank for placing me in a loving family that provides what I need to survive.
I believe it is God who keeps me safe, and it is God who sends things that make me smile, and things or situations that challenge me.

And so I have every reason to believe in the idea of God, because every day I have something to be thankful for, that I could not have achieved on my own. I am thankful for the life I was given, it's easy.

But then I got to thinking:
Could I have said the same things if I were born into the life of poverty? Would I thank God if he placed me in a totally opposite situation? Apart from the actual gift of life, what else would I be thankful for?

This is me trying to examine how superficial my reasons are for believing what I believe.

I wouldn't be able to convince a homeless person that there is a God that loves them. Simply because my reasoning wouldn't apply to them. My telling a homeless person that there is a God that loves them wouldn't alleviate him from his physical situation.

But then again, if faced with a homeless person or any person in need, I would much rather find ways to help him-- to show that a total stranger can love him. Maybe that will renew his faith in people, and just maybe, think that there is a God that works through people.

I believe God is goodness. God is love. The world is a better place when there are more good people. Happiness, the ultimate goal of every human mind and soul, is brought about only by goodness towards the other. I've come to realize that I do have the gift of faith in me, for I think it requires a certain amount of faith to want to help a complete stranger. And I do sincerely want to help the stranger...somehow. I am fully aware that there is no concrete or direct reward from anyone. To give without expecting anything in return. To be good for the sake of just being good -- you can never get that these days. Some call it generosity, I call it courage. How can you not believe in something as grand as the idea of God, when the simplest acts of kindness from the most unexpected situations can put tears in your eyes? It just goes hand in hand for me.

I don't know. I'm the last person who should be preaching to anyone about anything, and I don't intend to. This is a mere examination of my personal faith, and the conclusions my own god-given logic and reason has led to.

Here's my last statement:
I did nothing to be placed in the fortunate position I was born into, just as a homeless child does not deserve a life of hardship from the moment he/she was born. I believe in using your abilities to better the world, in the best way you can, and that every decision should be based on that. Call it building God's kingdom on earth, call it being a good person, or simply call it 'the pursuit to happiness'. That's the only way I know how.

On Learning

Random Thought:

The more you think you know yourself, the harder it is to learn new things.

When we were young, we were naive. Our minds were sponges, absorbing anything fed to us, few questions asked. And then we got older, and we started exploring our selves. I myself distinguished what I really liked from the things I only pretended to like. I assigned myself a particular personality type. I started to become aware of the system that was surrounding my life, and a part of me enjoyed rebellion against that system. I had a better idea of who I was, and therefore I had this notion of what I can and should be learning... which is honestly a very sad fact.

Now when we're older and have entered the phase of what they call "early adulthood", we're supposed to know, or at least have a pretty good idea of who we are. We know what we like, dislike, who we like or dislike, and for the fortunate few, what we want to do with ourselves for the rest of our lives. As I was eating breakfast this morning, I was thinking about my brain's capacity for learning. It's much harder to store new information in my head, and this follows my old theory that the amount of space we can hold in our memory is a fixed amount. Its much easier to store earlier memories of childhood because at that time our brain was just waiting and wanting to be filled. And now that we're done with all the schooling, the space seems so filled up that in order to add anything new, we have to delete older memories. Much like a computer yes.

And then this new thought popped up: What if its hard to learn because we have this fixed notion of who we are and what we should know? "I don't want to learn cooking because I know I won't be good at it." or "I don't have to watch that cheezy TV series because I know I'm not into that stuff." Yes, as our minds mature, along with the ability to absorb, we can now filter information. We can choose what to store and what to discard. And this is very useful, especially since we're in the age where TOO much information is thrown at our faces. We NEED to filter, definitely.

My only problem with this is that we tend to filter information so much that it limits or deters our thirst for new knowledge. It forms a barrier that can often become too solid that we become closed altogether. And I think this is the new skill that we need to learn. It's good to know how to filter information, but don't limit your selective process to what you think you should take in.

In other words, no matter how well you know yourself, don't think that you know enough. No matter how well you think you know the world and its ways, you don't. Allow yourself to be surprised, and allow yourself to discover. Maybe you'll then learn a thing or two.