Freedom and the Insecurity that kills it

With a consistent streak of nonchalance, passiveness, and just plain blah-ness, it naturally comes to a point where it just HAS to stop.  Once again, I do what I do best, which is to shove myself against a corner and say,

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!?


Yes, it helps to do so.

My blah-ness can sometimes be mistaken as unhappiness, which I assure you is not, for I believe that happiness is a much deeper state of mind, a state that requires a choice.  And I still choose to be happy.  Of course this state of happiness is never perfect. We don't live in a constant cloud of ecstasy. If we did then things would just get boring.  There are times when we step off the cloud and into dirt, sometimes waist deep in mud, or shit if you're really unlucky.  It's just one of those days.

So naturally, I ask myself why,Why why WHY are you once again restless and melancholic, especially when no one's looking?  What can you do to reverse your situation and put that smile back on your face? And this is where my handwritten journal comes in handy, where I can doodle and scribble and basically ramble on randomly any thought that slithers into my scattered brain. Basically it boils down to one simple question:

What makes you TRULY happy?

......

FREEDOM

Philosophy defines it as the capacity to determine your OWN choices.
It is exemption from external control, interference, regulation, etc.
Ease or facility of movement or action.


SELF-DETERMINATION.


And lately its been insecurity thats been my biggest hindrance.  It's never really been a plague to me, yet lately it has reared its poisonous face, and sadly, it's letting out the worst in me.  Blame it on unemployment... or the nagging feeling that I haven't accomplished much after college... or the jealousy that I'm not about to work in a foreign country like my best friends are doing.. or the feeling that I've become boring because of lack of interest in things to do in this damn city... or my lack of independence due to not having a means of transportation to do things I do want to do.  Whatever it is, my self-esteem is lingering around the unhealthy levels.  Nowadays I feel useless, helpless, and restless. Like everything I think, do, or say must meet a certain standard.  And I really really hate this feeling.

Must get back on track.

Stop comparing yourself to him.  You are NOT the boring person in this relationship. It's just a matter of getting back to the things that you like to do. Get back into your sports. Start dancing again. Find a friggin surf group.  Reconnect with old friends.  Go biking. Find a climbing buddy. Go running. Go swimming.  Don't be lazy to commute.  Start a new book... YOU KNOW ALL THIS!

The ugliest truth that makes all of the above so hard to do is that none of them can be accomplished with him. You are running out of things to do together.  He's doing what he likes. It's time for you to stop following him around and do your own thing.

GET BACK OUT THERE.

Pep talk for the self. Pathetic, yet necessary once in a while.

Hold That Thought

I sit here watching you.. keeping you company.. helping out in any way I can.
And I know that you couldn't do the same for me, simply because you can't.
And yet I'm here.

I also know that if this ended, you would move on with your life and find another girl who would make a suitable mother for your children, a suitable wife for the life you want to live.
Whereas I, who have questioned my plans because of fear of losing you, will be left in the dirt. This will be my first heartbreak, where more than anything, I would mourn the loss of what could have been.

It hits me at certain moments that I've jumped without a safety net.
And the smarter part of me knows that you won't always be there to catch me.
And yet I choose the foolish part of me that hopes you will.