Happy Switch ON

My head has been a firehouse of thoughts, emotions, and conclusions lately. I haven't been smiling much, nor laughing. I've become a bore to hang out with, and I honestly don't know how he can stand being with me all the time. (That's one way I know he really loves me, PHEW!)

So I've been restless and anxious for the last few months, ever since the one year deadline I gave myself working at this company passed. I've been wanting to find other options, with the notion that I'm ready to move on with my still-undetermined lifepath. As simple a life I want to live, it's still a slapping truth that staying with this company, whether or not I excel, will not earn me enough. Sure I live simply--still no shopping, no excess gadgets, budget meals, etc-- but I also love to travel, and it's a sad fact that traveling costs moolah-- moolah that's soon to run out if I don't start saving.

The goal was simple -- find a job that ALLOWS you to travel. And I still want that. I still want to experience living in another country temporarily. I want to be lost in translation (ok maybe not), living on my own, immersing into a world totally different from my own.

As much as I love getting lost, it sucks to be lost in your very own home.

So I've been in this "lost" state for months now... and it's still not getting me anywhere.

I choose to be happy. And here are the many reasons why:

1. Screw job dissatisfaction. I'm happy I even have a job. Not just that, I have a fun job coveted by many. Sure, I don't get paid enough. But while I'm still sitting in this desk, might as well perform the best way that I can.
2. Desperately waiting for something that you're not even sure will come is useless. Life is still going on all around you, you should still enjoy it. There are still things to do, bills to pay, and people to love. This doesn't mean I'm losing hope; I would just rather amuse myself with a crossword puzzle while waiting for my big flight than do nothing at all.
   
3. I'm just tired of not smiling.

It takes 2 people to make a relationship work, and only 1 to break it.

I just finished talking to my brother's now ex-gf... after 6 years of being together, he decides to break it off with her. Reasons seemed simple enough. He basically wanted out. After 6 years, he risked letting her go to breathe the single air... Now how that air smells is up to him.

After learning their story and how it ended, I couldn't help but break into tears. I really liked her as a person, and I think my brother is an idiot for letting go of someone like her. Even if she wasn't an "in-law" we'd still get along as friends, cuz we have several things in common. And I think my brother was one lucky dooshbag for having someone like her love him that much.

But you can't control another person's feelings. I guess she loved him more than he loved her. Why that is, I don't understand. And now he left her to find whatever it is he feels he needs that can't be found in their relationship. It's fair and it's normal, but just sad.

I admire her ability to dedicate so much of herself to one person. I've never done that, and I don't know if I ever will. To me it seems like digging your own grave if you give ALL of yourself to someone. I've always been more of the self-protecting type -- always making sure he loves me equally if not more than I love him. I'm the type who makes sure he appreciates me and what I give to the relationship. And once I feel I'm taken for granted, I do some sort of attack to make him see otherwise. It's brutal, but it works to protect myself.

Maybe it's smarter that way, but deep inside I know that's not real love. I don't love fully if I don't give fully, not expecting anything in return, no recognition, reciprocation, nor reward.

I guess that's how love is very much like suicide. Only you give the blade to someone else and its up to them what to do with it.