Hold That Thought.

For the Stranger

2011-06-29T00:10:00.002+08:00

I was thinking of deleting my Multiply account for obvious reasons. But then I went through its contents and found stuff definitely NOT worth throwing away. This blog entry is one of them.

For The Stranger

I step out of the comfort of my home and there you are.
I do not know you, you do not care to know me.
You knock on my window, forcing the heavy cloud of guilt through my veins.
You are feared, because you are unknown.

I grew up in a home where you were not acknowledged.
You are not my responsibility, as I am not your burden to bear.
My concern is my destination, my next task on my personal agenda.
And yet you always seem to show yourself, no matter where I go.

The truth is, I do acknowledge your presence.
You exist to me as another human being, with a mind, body and soul.
I see the mind behind the pitiful gaze, and I honestly wonder what you are thinking as you ask me for help.
Can you blame me for not giving anything?
Do you hate me for not giving?
Do you expect me to help you?

The scarier part of this all is that i think its not just me.
EVERYONE knows that you exist.
Sadly, everyone denies it.
They choose not to be burdened, not to feel bad for the life they live.
Other people can do it so easily, to go on their pursuit for happiness, the way they think they'll find it.
They can do it without your presence to pull them down.
I admire their strength, for I cannot do that.
I cannot sit comfortably in my car while your child is freezing in the rain.
I cannot enjoy a P200 meal when I know it's enough to feed your entire family.
And it makes it difficult for me to live like this.
Especially when I don't know what to do about it.
When there's nothing I can do about it.

This is me being totally honest, and totally alone.

Has it really come to this

2010-11-24T03:00:00.001+08:00

An inferiority complex, in the fields of psychology and psychoanalysis, is a feeling that one is inferior to others in some way. Such feelings can arise from an imagined or actual inferiority in the afflicted person. It is often unconscious, and is thought to drive afflicted individuals to overcompensate, resulting either in spectacular achievement or extreme schizotypal behavior, or both. Unlike a normal feeling of inferiority, which can act as an incentive for achievement (or promote discouragement), an inferiority complex is an advanced state of discouragement, often embedding itself into one's lifestyle, and sometimes resulting in a retreat from difficulties.

......

Yep, sounds about right

Onward to 2010

2010-01-15T12:15:00.000+08:00

Hello new year. Once again it's time to get things into perspective.. to once again look back at the past year, whether or not I accomplished what I set out to do.. and then plan for the year ahead.

So to recap my 2009 goals based on last year's recap:

Keep your hair short -- CHECK
Take care of your relationships: Love, family, friends -- CHECK?
Make more friends -- CHECK
Find a new sport/hobby -- Salsa! Badminton! Check!
Get a tattoo -- Every year this is here.. every year unchecked.
Stay fit -- run more -- Well, I lost weight if that's good news.
Stick to no beef/pork diet - CHECK.. with the occasional must-try meals
Save money -- BUDGET -- CHECK
Find alternative ways to earn money -- CHECK
LOCATIONS: Sagada, Vigan, Pagudpud, Lanuza, Samar, Siquijor -- DIDN'T GO TO ANY OF THE ABOVE

Okay, so at least I can say I got most goals checked. One technique to accomplishment is to keep your goals simple and realistic. Helps me not feel like such a fat failure too.

SIGNIFICANT MOMENTS of 2009

Left Stoked (Aug)
A taste of the provincial life with one month in Siargao (Oct)
Made an enemy in the surf (July)
Smart Ad (paid for my unemployed months)
Tara, Alexis and Nika (Rest in peace) (Sept)
Trip to Singapore with Bri (June)
New laptop (July)
Trip to Bali with Abe (Feb)
Getting into salsa and dancing for the Manila International Salsa Festival (June - Nov)
Winning 4th at the MSA comp (Jan)
Typhoon Ondoy destroys Manila (Sept)

Not bad for 2009.. not much either. A year of tragedies and little achievements.

So reality check for 2010: I have a new job and not that much money. What can I do this year?

Do your absolute best with the new job (Try getting promoted within one year!)
Trips already booked: KL-Vietnam-Bangkok in March, another month in Siargao in October
Paris and other spots in Europe for 2 months? (July-Aug)
Keep your eyes open for money-making opportunities, or ANY opportunities
Invest in ASSETS (Thank you, Rich Dad)
Stay healthy, stay fit
Keep in touch with friends
If you want to go do something, JUST DO IT.
Keep smiling
Get into more volunteer nonprofit work (at least one project!)

There you have it.. simple.. reasonable.. attainable. Good luck to me, and good luck to us all.

Checkers

2010-01-14T15:54:00.000+08:00

Just when I thought the dreams of Checkers were over, it happened again last night.

I dreamt that we found him in some country club, and he was with a maid.. and I recognized him as soon as I held him.. my family was there.. we even checked his belly for stitch scars from his pancreatic operation years ago.. and he was alive.. and I wanted to take him home again.. and then there were people telling me that would be stealing.. and this old lady said that he belonged to someone else, and that it was my fault he got lost.. that I didnt know what I was doing back then.. and I remember screaming at the old lady explaining to her that he was MY dog and was stolen years ago and she has no right to tell me I can't get him back.. and so my sister took Checkers and brought him to the car.. I remember the guards of the place checking my stuff before exiting the premises.. but we managed to get Checkers safely into the car.. to be with us once again.. I remember feeling relieved because I had almost lost hope.. I knew in my dreams that I had dreamt of that moment repeatedly and now it was finally coming true.. He was alive and coming home to us again....

... and then I woke up.

It's amazing how a pet can make such a lasting impact on your life. Checkers was my first pet, a "lhasang shit" that we got back in 1995.. only to be stolen one day from outside our house in 2005. I still haven't cried as much as I did that night.

Freedom and the Insecurity that kills it

2009-12-29T01:37:00.006+08:00

With a consistent streak of nonchalance, passiveness, and just plain blah-ness, it naturally comes to a point where it just HAS to stop. Once again, I do what I do best, which is to shove myself against a corner and say,

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!?

Yes, it helps to do so.

My blah-ness can sometimes be mistaken as unhappiness, which I assure you is not, for I believe that happiness is a much deeper state of mind, a state that requires a choice. And I still choose to be happy. Of course this state of happiness is never perfect. We don't live in a constant cloud of ecstasy. If we did then things would just get boring. There are times when we step off the cloud and into dirt, sometimes waist deep in mud, or shit if you're really unlucky. It's just one of those days.

So naturally, I ask myself why,Why why WHY are you once again restless and melancholic, especially when no one's looking? What can you do to reverse your situation and put that smile back on your face? And this is where my handwritten journal comes in handy, where I can doodle and scribble and basically ramble on randomly any thought that slithers into my scattered brain. Basically it boils down to one simple question:

What makes you TRULY happy?

......

FREEDOM

Philosophy defines it as the capacity to determine your OWN choices.
It is exemption from external control, interference, regulation, etc.
Ease or facility of movement or action.

SELF-DETERMINATION.

And lately its been insecurity thats been my biggest hindrance. It's never really been a plague to me, yet lately it has reared its poisonous face, and sadly, it's letting out the worst in me. Blame it on unemployment... or the nagging feeling that I haven't accomplished much after college... or the jealousy that I'm not about to work in a foreign country like my best friends are doing.. or the feeling that I've become boring because of lack of interest in things to do in this damn city... or my lack of independence due to not having a means of transportation to do things I do want to do. Whatever it is, my self-esteem is lingering around the unhealthy levels. Nowadays I feel useless, helpless, and restless. Like everything I think, do, or say must meet a certain standard. And I really really hate this feeling.

Must get back on track.

Stop comparing yourself to him. You are NOT the boring person in this relationship. It's just a matter of getting back to the things that you like to do. Get back into your sports. Start dancing again. Find a friggin surf group. Reconnect with old friends. Go biking. Find a climbing buddy. Go running. Go swimming. Don't be lazy to commute. Start a new book... YOU KNOW ALL THIS!

The ugliest truth that makes all of the above so hard to do is that none of them can be accomplished with him. You are running out of things to do together. He's doing what he likes. It's time for you to stop following him around and do your own thing.

GET BACK OUT THERE.

Pep talk for the self. Pathetic, yet necessary once in a while.

Hold That Thought

2009-12-02T23:39:00.001+08:00

I sit here watching you.. keeping you company.. helping out in any way I can.
And I know that you couldn't do the same for me, simply because you can't.
And yet I'm here.

I also know that if this ended, you would move on with your life and find another girl who would make a suitable mother for your children, a suitable wife for the life you want to live.
Whereas I, who have questioned my plans because of fear of losing you, will be left in the dirt. This will be my first heartbreak, where more than anything, I would mourn the loss of what could have been.

It hits me at certain moments that I've jumped without a safety net.
And the smarter part of me knows that you won't always be there to catch me.
And yet I choose the foolish part of me that hopes you will.

Island Exile

2009-11-03T19:23:00.001+08:00

On Siargao Island...

... The day begins at 8am and we're in bed by 9pm.

... Food options at the market: Fish, Crab, Squid, Chicken

... EVERYONE owns a dog.

... Sunrises are even more breathtaking than sunsets.

... Helmets are a rarity.

... Community and government-sponsored events are the must-sees.

... A bottle of OFF and Betet can save your life.

... Shops close by 5pm.

... ALL the babies are cute!

... Always be ready in case of a black-out. They can last for hours throughout the entire island.

... Skies are bluer than normal. Star-frosted skies are taken for granted.

... You can see a shooting star every night if you wanted.

... A powdery white sand beach is literally a few steps away from your doorstep.

... French is the most useful foreign language to know.

... If you want to do something, JUST DO IT. If you want something done, DO IT YOURSELF.

... Booties can be your best friend in the surf.

... Don't get sick. Don't get injured either.

... It's almost impossible to be a vegetarian.

... There's no difference between weekdays and weekends.

... People let the schedule of high and low tide determine the day's activities.

... Roads are made with white sand

... Powdered milk can go a long way,.

... Know how to cook, or go broke.

... People come and go, but you can share very interesting moments during the few days together, and maybe even build a lasting friendship.

..................

...... Can you blame me for never wanting to leave?

A Turn of Events

2009-10-03T22:52:00.001+08:00

I've been planning this month long sabbatical to Siargao since June. I was to spend my whole October there.. and so I booked my ticket as soon as Cebupac went on sale last July..

Come September 26, 2009, the most destructive tropical storm in 4 decades decides to pass thru Metro Manila, dumping a month's worth of rainfall in a matter of 6 hours, drowning entire cities and leaving hundreds of thousands homeless and nearly hopeless. During this entire ordeal, I was one of the minority of the city whose house was left high and dry. I could only watch all the chaos on TV and the net as I sat comfortably on my dry chair. I went to sleep on my overly soft and DRY bed, as thousands of others were spending the night freezing on their roofs.

Sure, I was thankful that our place was spared.. but the feeling that dominated was sympathy and guilt. A part of me wished I was there suffering with everyone else, and now that I think about it, it was because the more I stayed free from harm, the larger my obligation to help had become. I wanted to gather clothes and food to give. I wanted to step out and use my athletic skills to join the rescue efforts I was seeing on TV. But I didn't have a car.. I didn't know where to start.. I didn't know which organization to call. The orgs I was closest to, such as Ateneo, had more than enough volunteers. Red Cross and the big media groups seemed overflowing with volunteers as seen on TV. I didn't want to be one of those people in a long line just passing a bag from the person in front to the next.

I was to leave Manila for a month in the next few days. I also had to prepare for my trip. But I had to make some effort to help. The day after the storm I bought P500 worth of powdered milk to donate. On Monday, I dropped by Mt Carmel Church to see how I could help. I helped pack rice into some bags... even if they already had someone else to do it. The evacuees there had left already. We went back home soon after.

Some people have gotten sick of watching the news because it made them depressed. I felt that since I hadn't done much to help, I wanted to watch all the sad news on TV and read all the horror tales and look at all the pictures and videos posted online to make myself feel worse, perhaps so I felt I was "suffering" along with everyone else. I shed tears several times from these things.

"One good deed is better than a thousand good intentions."

I had every intention to help, but not enough willpower. As scheduled, I had left for Cebu a few days after the storm, leaving behind disaster-stricken Manila and all the relief operations still very much active. I've always wanted to get away from the chaotic city life of Manila, but I couldn't help but feel that I left Manila during the time I felt it needed me most. And for this reason, I can't seem to forgive myself.

"dont worry, wrapping relief goods is the easy thing. You are built for something harder where ordinary people will struggle"

Words of extreme comfort from a friend just now.

Hopefully when I get back from Siargao there will still be something I can do.

After the Wake

2009-09-03T17:18:00.001+08:00

Everyone has their thoughts piling up in their heads, this is my attempt to lessen my cranial load.

I woke up yesterday morning with one of the most shocking news in my life (the other being the night when my friend was shot on the eve of her birthday, rest in peace Tara.) We've all heard the story, another one of irreconcilable injustice, that which makes me angry, yet expects me to go on living. (Here's the first News Article about it)

I met Alexis in 2003 in Boracay and would see him by chance maybe once every year in the most random places, like film fests. We were probably better friends online, when we used to share blog entries and the occasional chats of interesting idea exchange. I would then see him on TV and read his articles online with the success of his endeavors for Philippine Cinema. But I won't exaggerate and say were close, it just so happened that he went to Siargao with Nika and Mia to meet Abe, and as Abe's girlfriend, I just so happen to have been there for the send-off dinner for Nika the night it happened. It was only my second time to see Nika.

You don't have to be a close friend to be severely affected by what happened. Coming home from a lively dinner and dessert night marked by sharing laughs, memories of Siargao, opinions on Mar Roxas stepping down and the rest of our political carnival, Alexis' take on piracy, business ideas, and many other random yet significant topics, I went to bed like any other night -- tired, content, happy, and safe -- only to be awaken by news that will probably never make me feel the same way again. None of us saw it coming, no omens, no signs, nothing... FOR WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD THINK THAT THEY WOULD BE KILLED IN THE SAFETY OF THEIR OWN HOME?

And then there are the "Could-have-happened's": If Nika didn't say she was tired, Mia would've come in the house after dropping them to watch a movie. If Abe's friends weren't already waiting in his house after our dinner, we could've gone to Eggy's house with them to pick up a DVD of a film Abe wanted to see. It could've happened...

I got home last night after the wake feeling unsettled, eerie, and paranoid. This could've happened in ANY household, including my own. It just takes one person who is welcomed into a home yet harbors other intentions. I can't begin to imagine how Nika's family is doing... entrusting her daughter to live all the way in 3rd world Philippines, excitedly awaiting her return. It's just too sad.

More than sad, this incident has made me angry. I have tried to live my life upholding a healthy amount of faith in the goodness of the stranger-- a belief that people are inherently good. But stories like Tara and now Eggy and Nika make it harder and harder. Whats worse is, unlike Tara's murder with a random holdupper, this one was caused by their household help, someone they thought they could trust. It's hard to accept that evil like this persists in the world, and even harder to think that some can actually get away with it. (A part of me wishes I could lead the investigation because we have no idea how "brilliant" our own investigators really are.) I just became a little less optimistic, (or maybe a little less naive) about the future of this world. We really are going to shit and if the world ends in whatever way, we probably deserve it.

I'm getting emotional. Back to Eggy and Nika.

It's unfortunate that I'm learning more about Eggy and Nikka through tributes and articles that have been spread to celebrate their memory. How I wish I would've gotten to know them more on my own terms. But from their own stories, although short-lived, I have made friends that I will never ever forget.

So to Alexis / Eggy / Aleggy (as Abe cleverly coined) and lovely Nika, if I had known that I this would happen:

To Nika, I would have told you that I think you're really pretty, and that you're the most interesting Slovenian I have and probably will ever meet. And that I hope to visit you when I go to Slovenia one day. And I was really looking forward to surfing with you as soon as you got back in December.

To Alexis, I would have probably asked you for a list of all the must-sees of Philippine cinema. And if we hung out more after that, eventually I would've tried to get you to eat healthier.
I would've told you both that I truly admire and respect your courage for pursuing your loves for cinema. You have showed me that you can start from what you love and make something from there. It is truly inspiring and I say this with no BS because I have yet to find that first step to make my life a little more significant to the rest of the world, and I have been trying to absorb all that I can from other people's life stories. My friend Nicola will know what I'm talking about.

It's still surreal, and I don't know if it will ever sink in. How can you accept the loss of friends that you had just met? I mourn for the loss of two new friends that don't need a lifetime of memories to know they were amazing and remarkable human beings. I mourn for the loss of what could have been.

May justice be served on those that deserve it.

Rest in peace, Eggy and Nika. In the few days I've known you, you have changed my life. And more importantly, in your years on this earth, you have changed the world, one way or another.

Dancer? Me?

2009-08-27T21:03:00.001+08:00

Amidst the bustling city life of Metro Manila, finding something to keep yourself busy with apart from your 8-hour day job can either be really easy or really challenging, depending on your interests. If all you want is a bar with pumping music where alcohol is flowing and girls are dancing, that's readily available. But if you're on the opposite end of the spectrum of personality types such as myself, finding alcohol-free, affordable, good for well-being activities are a little harder to find. Thankfully, I have managed to keep my weeknights occupied with activities and sports that have made me happy, and still within my measly budget.

Every Thursday and Saturday (when I'm not surfing) has been salsa night for me. I took a class with a few friends back in 2007 and have not been able to apply it much since all my salsita friends fled the country. And then I discovered the Salsa nights, and I have been going regularly since June 2009.

Since I don't have much of a day job, this has been the only thing I've been up to that has promised me things to look forward to. I was invited by the head instructor to join their performance group, which of course I gave my immediate YES to. Apart from my newfound love for dancing, it gave me something to train for once again, a chance for me to perform again. It gives my folks another reason to be proud of me.. after 2 years of showing them nothing.

I've been told I was good at it, that I was a natural born dancer. I grew up with dancing being such a normal part of living, as my dad comes from a family of professional dancers. Apparently I have the genes that make up professional dancing, a genetic makeup that I applied solely to sports. Until now, that is.

Anyway, apart from the thrill of training again, I found something that makes me feel good about myself as well, which is one thing I realized I needed, especially now that I'm unproductive and useless to the world. That's probably a big reason I keep coming back.

Well, that and the fact that it really is fun. You should try it :)

Unemployed

2009-08-17T23:42:00.006+08:00

For some reason I haven't been inspired to write anything lately.. Maybe it's the interface of blogger.com, I don't know. But too many thoughts have crossed my restless mind lately, and I better get them out here before my head implodes.

So I've stopped going to work.. unless they call me in for a specific task, and until my replacement comes in. I've been staying at home, leaching off my parents' free food and lodging, like many other Filipino youth are doing. (In this country, it's very common to live with the folks until you get married. Although there are also thousands of married couples who STILL live with their folks. Whatever the case, we don't leave family. And hey, I'm not complaining.) As much as I want my old freedom back, where I could go home any time, and sometimes not at all, I'm living under their roof now, and I respect the unwritten rules, even when they don't strictly impose them. Who am I to complain.

My parents are happy I left my job. They never saw it as a real job anyway, which is partly true. Strangely enough, they're not pressuring me (at least not yet) to find a job right away, and I'm so thankful they understand my situation.

Quarter-life crisis, they call it. I'm at that point in my life where the road stops. There is no road to walk down, for I have to be the one to pave my way. I also have to create the different forks to choose from, and then walk down that path, thereby creating my first set of parallel universes. (A parallel universe is the other version of your life, where you chose the other options.)

I am creating my life here and now. Time to make something out of myself. And I have absolutely NO idea what my first step is supposed to be.

That's where I'm at right now, if you can even call that a destination.

Anxiety Attack

2009-07-13T12:06:00.003+08:00

Before the month ends, I'll be unemployed.

No back-up source of income to depend on... no definite plan.

And as the day draws nearer, I admit I'm getting scared.

It's the feeling of uncertainty and lack of control that usually scares us. Usually, I welcome this. I love getting lost during trips, simply because I love finding my way back, and I love discovering the unexpected.

But it's a little different when you lose your way on the road of life (I APOLOGIZE FOR THE CLICHE). Maybe it's just the label of "doing nothing" that scares me. I don't know how long I will be "doing nothing".

I gotta lay down my time line. As random as I like to do things, I still need some sort of a schedule.. you always need a plan, one way or another. So here are the things I know I want to accomplish as soon as I leave this poor excuse for a job:

Search for scholarships and/or attainable job opportunities abroad, given my limited qualifications
Fix my room as soon as Marla moves out
Contact the travel mag to tell them I'm free
Pick a month to live in Siargao and try the rural life
Meet up with people from different industries and explore options
Go even easier on the spending. Cut the cab rides and the big meals over P150. Choose your trips.

I should be excited. This is what it really means to be LOST anyway right? I shall welcome the possibility of absolutely anything, and also nothing at all. I'll learn something from this.

Something big will happen. Soon.

Recurring Dreams

2009-07-09T14:57:00.005+08:00

Dreaming is every man's opportunity to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.

Every morning I set my phone's alarm one hour before the time I really need to get up. I think the SNOOZE button was one of man's greatest ideas. Not only do I get increments of extra 10 mins of sleep, but I also get a variety of dreams within those snoozes.

But I'm not going to talk about my dream last night that involved a large beach house and thousands of GIANT king crabs that were attacking. (At first it looked delicious then the dream just turned into scary!) No, I'm sharing the dreams I have more than once.

The first always involves being back in school. Now I was always the breed of student people would call "diligent". I liked getting high grades, I tried to make it to all my classes, and whatever else these "diligent" students do. I would have these dreams where I'm back in school, and I didn't know that all this time I've had classes to attend. I remember being really worried because of all the classes I've already missed and I'd be running to the classroom totally unsure where it even was. I had no hold of my schedule, or where exactly I was on the road of the academic discourse. It was a very powerless feeling, and I don't like it at all.

The second dream involves my teeth. One thing that I'm pretty sure makes me unique is the fact that I still have baby teeth. The 2 fangs on my upper jaw have never fallen off, and will never fall off, since there was never any teeth below it to begin with. If they do fall off by some freak accident or whatever, I'd have to get permanent pustiso, or fake teeth. Anyway, I always have these dreams where one of teeth is either loose or it falls of completely. It's such a small detail in my dreams, yet it keeps happening. And no, I don't like the feeling either.

Now the challenging and more exciting part about dreams is that they're open for interpretation. During the earlier ages, people believed they were messages from God. I do think dreams have prophetic powers, but ultimately I believe that they're just the subconscious mind's way of telling us things -- the things we don't think about, or the things we refuse to think about. Like in my case, apparently failing in school and losing my teeth are some of my apparent "deepest fears". I don't know. Maybe it's a prophecy that I will indeed be back in school one day. Some people believe that loosing a tooth in a dream means losing a friend or family member to death (which obviously isn't true in my case). Whatever it is, I still look forward to dreams every night, especially the ones that seem the most real. It's the mind's best means to escape reality, adding a little more color to our everyday mediocre lives.

I stop now.

Compromise?

2009-06-18T12:31:00.003+08:00

Girl: I want to go.

Boy: I don't want to go, but if you really want to go, let's go.

Girl: I don't want to go if you don't want to go... I'm just wondering if how much i want to go is more than how much you don't want to go.

....

How do you win an argument like this?

One just gives in.

We didn't go.

Resignation

2009-06-09T17:15:00.003+08:00

June 10, 2009

Dear Boss,

As much as I'd like to spice up this letter with hifalutin openings and what not, I'll just go on and say that I would like to formally resign from my position in the company. I want to thank you for giving me this opportunity-- for introducing and immersing me into the world of retail. I have definitely learned a great deal about the business, and at the same time had my fair share of fun, and I thank you for that.

It probably doesn't come to you as a surprise that I'm resigning. I do have plans of studying again, but I also need to find other ways to earn more, and I honestly don't see how much growth can happen if I stick with the company. I also know that as much as I enjoyed being a part of this company, it is not the field I see myself working in the long term, for my deepest passions lay elsewhere.

Of course I'll make sure to finish whatever pending business I have right now, and I'll help find an even better replacement.

Again thank you and I apologize for whatever inconvenience this might cause you or the company.

Sincerely,

Mika

---------------------
Phew. I think that'll do.

SENT.

Now what?

Creed

2009-06-03T14:41:00.007+08:00

In an earlier entry, I wrote about my personal convictions. I have several entries about God, faith and religion. And as of today, I'm glad to say that I've made a bit of progress in my personal faith journey. Here goes.

I believe in God, the Father Almighty, creator of earth.
STOP.
I believe that God is the greatest possible good, the Alpha and the Omega.
The beginning of everything, and the end of everything.
The smallest and the largest possible existent thought possible.
(To make writing easier, I shall refer to God as a 'He')
He is the answer to the unanswerable, the great unknown.
He is everywhere around me, and yet also within me. He is within everyone.

Is he a person? I don't believe that.
Was he a person? I don't know, and it honestly isn't that important to me.

Do I believe in Heaven? I hope it exists, but it isn't the reason I choose to be a good person. The fact that my body could just turn into nothing but dust and that my soul disintegrates into oblivion after I die doesn't really scare me. The existence of Heaven or Hell doesn't affect the way I choose to live my life.

I believe God is a universal force that makes nature as wonderful as it is.
He is the reason sunsets are beautiful and why storms are destructive.
God is the moving force behind nature. God is nature.

So just to clarify, what I mean when I say God is "whatever it/he/she is that is the greatest possible good". And yes, I'm aware that he could totally be just inside my head.

I was born to this family, in this country, in this time period, and only God knows why.
I have never gone hungry, and I have God to thank for placing me in a loving family that provides what I need to survive.
I believe it is God who keeps me safe, and it is God who sends things that make me smile, and things or situations that challenge me.

And so I have every reason to believe in the idea of God, because every day I have something to be thankful for, that I could not have achieved on my own. I am thankful for the life I was given, it's easy.

But then I got to thinking:
Could I have said the same things if I were born into the life of poverty? Would I thank God if he placed me in a totally opposite situation? Apart from the actual gift of life, what else would I be thankful for?

This is me trying to examine how superficial my reasons are for believing what I believe.

I wouldn't be able to convince a homeless person that there is a God that loves them. Simply because my reasoning wouldn't apply to them. My telling a homeless person that there is a God that loves them wouldn't alleviate him from his physical situation.

But then again, if faced with a homeless person or any person in need, I would much rather find ways to help him-- to show that a total stranger can love him. Maybe that will renew his faith in people, and just maybe, think that there is a God that works through people.

I believe God is goodness. God is love. The world is a better place when there are more good people. Happiness, the ultimate goal of every human mind and soul, is brought about only by goodness towards the other. I've come to realize that I do have the gift of faith in me, for I think it requires a certain amount of faith to want to help a complete stranger. And I do sincerely want to help the stranger...somehow. I am fully aware that there is no concrete or direct reward from anyone. To give without expecting anything in return. To be good for the sake of just being good -- you can never get that these days. Some call it generosity, I call it courage. How can you not believe in something as grand as the idea of God, when the simplest acts of kindness from the most unexpected situations can put tears in your eyes? It just goes hand in hand for me.

I don't know. I'm the last person who should be preaching to anyone about anything, and I don't intend to. This is a mere examination of my personal faith, and the conclusions my own god-given logic and reason has led to.

Here's my last statement:
I did nothing to be placed in the fortunate position I was born into, just as a homeless child does not deserve a life of hardship from the moment he/she was born. I believe in using your abilities to better the world, in the best way you can, and that every decision should be based on that. Call it building God's kingdom on earth, call it being a good person, or simply call it 'the pursuit to happiness'. That's the only way I know how.

On Learning

2009-06-02T10:40:00.003+08:00

Random Thought:

The more you think you know yourself, the harder it is to learn new things.

When we were young, we were naive. Our minds were sponges, absorbing anything fed to us, few questions asked. And then we got older, and we started exploring our selves. I myself distinguished what I really liked from the things I only pretended to like. I assigned myself a particular personality type. I started to become aware of the system that was surrounding my life, and a part of me enjoyed rebellion against that system. I had a better idea of who I was, and therefore I had this notion of what I can and should be learning... which is honestly a very sad fact.

Now when we're older and have entered the phase of what they call "early adulthood", we're supposed to know, or at least have a pretty good idea of who we are. We know what we like, dislike, who we like or dislike, and for the fortunate few, what we want to do with ourselves for the rest of our lives. As I was eating breakfast this morning, I was thinking about my brain's capacity for learning. It's much harder to store new information in my head, and this follows my old theory that the amount of space we can hold in our memory is a fixed amount. Its much easier to store earlier memories of childhood because at that time our brain was just waiting and wanting to be filled. And now that we're done with all the schooling, the space seems so filled up that in order to add anything new, we have to delete older memories. Much like a computer yes.

And then this new thought popped up: What if its hard to learn because we have this fixed notion of who we are and what we should know? "I don't want to learn cooking because I know I won't be good at it." or "I don't have to watch that cheezy TV series because I know I'm not into that stuff." Yes, as our minds mature, along with the ability to absorb, we can now filter information. We can choose what to store and what to discard. And this is very useful, especially since we're in the age where TOO much information is thrown at our faces. We NEED to filter, definitely.

My only problem with this is that we tend to filter information so much that it limits or deters our thirst for new knowledge. It forms a barrier that can often become too solid that we become closed altogether. And I think this is the new skill that we need to learn. It's good to know how to filter information, but don't limit your selective process to what you think you should take in.

In other words, no matter how well you know yourself, don't think that you know enough. No matter how well you think you know the world and its ways, you don't. Allow yourself to be surprised, and allow yourself to discover. Maybe you'll then learn a thing or two.

Bataan and Beyond

2009-05-19T11:42:00.008+08:00

The sea was flat, we had no plans. And I hadn't been out of town in a month. I had to go.

Just east of Manila, Bataan is actually nearer to Manila than any other province, separated only by the famous Manila Bay. I've been to a beach in Morong before, and it was gorgeous. There were waves too.

Abe had an uncle from Bagac who supplied his last birthday party with all the freshly grilled oysters we could swallow. I didn't know anything about this place, except that it was probably near the sea (as is every other province in this country!) and they had good oysters. So we spent our Sunday afternoon driving past the Dinalupihan exit (which we always skip to head to Subic) to the uncharted land of Bataan.

It was a scenic drive, with wide paved roads nicely shaded by the shadows of tall trees, passing through rice fields, valleys, and simple barangays. There are 2 main mountains that accent the provincial landscape: Mt Samat and Mt Mariveles. The provide a gorgeous skyline overlooking the place, and gives mountaineers something new to conquer.

Of course we checked out the beaches. Unknown to many, Bataan's west coastline is lined with cliffs and powdery whitish gray sand beaches. The most popular resort there is Montemar, but there are so many other spots just as nice if not more beautiful that are unheard of and probably untrekked. And the part that attracted me the most? The south monsoons where wind is coming from the Southwest brings in large swells -- with no one riding the waves that break near the coast. This is probably the main reason I'll be heading back for now.
Apart from natural beauty, Bataan is notorious for its history. This was where the Japanese first landed during WWII, and where the famous Death March began. I remember the stories of my lolo about this hundred km walk. Many landmarks signifying this experience are found along the main highway, including the very starting point.

Who knew the Philippines has a nuclear power plant? Back in the day, White Westinghouse put up this plant in hopes of God knows what. Today the village is a ghost town, with the giant power plant visible in the horizon from miles away.

One of the more interesting sites we vistited is the future Azucar Heritage Village. Apparently Mr Acuzar invested millions buying old Spanish houses from all over the country and transferring them to this little village in Bagac. These houses will soon be for rent, and it will have a hotel available to tourists for about P7000/night. A brilliidea to preserve this nations dwindling heritage.

I apologize if this came out like a travel article. Whatever it was, I hope it convinces a fellow traveler to visit this place. May this be yet another wake up call that there are so many places in the Philippines that you can't find in TV and in travel magazines that are worth your visit.

There's Hope in the Stranger

2009-05-05T12:49:00.002+08:00

This post is for those who have no faith in people they don't know, for those who are paranoid everytime they walk in public streets, and for those who don't think they are obliged to acknowledge the existence of people outside their personal sphere.

After work yesterday I was heading to Greenhills. Since I don't have a car, this would only be possible thru one trike then one jeep ride. Easy.

But it wasn't going to be easy this time. As I was getting off the tricycle, I started rummaging around my bag to find my wallet, and to my idiotic misfortune, it wasn't there. I had nothing to pay the driver with except a bunch of papers, a book entitled "Introduction to Tourism", and my umbrella. So when we got to the shuttle terminal to Greenhills, the conversation went like this:

Me: Pasensya ho, nawawala yung wallet ko. Pwede kong ibigay yung payong ko na lang!
Manong Trike Driver: Okay lang ma'am. Di na lang.
Me: Ha? Sigurado ho kayo!?
Manong Trike Driver: Oo ma'am. Alam nyo naman kung san ako naghihintay. Next time na lang.
Me: Salamat po manong, pasensya po uli.

And so he left. I still didn't have P7 to pay for the jeep to Greenhills. The drivers were telling me to hop on, but I told them I lost my wallet.

Drivers: Sige lang ma'am! Sakay na kayo!

Me (reluctantly): Maraming maraming salamat!!

They let me ride for free again. And my fortune didn't end here. Before one of the passengers stepped off the jeep, he taps my shoulder, quickly says "Eto ate, para makauwi kayo", drops P15 in my hands and gets off the jeep. I was left bewildered.

And so before getting off the jeep in Greenhills, I offered the money I received to the driver. He refused the money and told me to use it to get home.

I didn't need the P15 anymore, since I was meeting up with Abe in Greenhills, and he was to bring me home. I gave them to Abe, and told him to give it to someone who needs it.

Abe: Any beggar in particular you want to give it to?
Me: No, just give it to ANYone.

...
I found my wallet in my room that night (Thank God!), but I went to bed with a smile on my face, and a rejuvenated feeling of hope that people can still do good, even in the smallest ways.

That's all.

Why Tourism?

2009-04-30T17:38:00.003+08:00

So, what do you intend to do with your degree in Tourism Development?

A very intelligent and practical person asked me this question after learning of my intentions to study abroad. Naturally, I was stumped.

I don't know exactly what I want to do, but I do know that I want to contribute to this disintegrating nation's development thru the avenue of Tourism. I love telling people about the Philippines. I hate that the world thinks that we are a nation of household help, corrupt politicians and terrorists. I have traveled and lived in this country enough to know that it is more than just beautiful, that it has sites far more interesting than those of other Southeast Asian countries. I want the world to see that this country has more to offer than just good mangoes.

In turn, people will visit these places, specifically outside of Manila, and bring livelihood opportunities to the people. Filipinos will use their natural hospitability to develop simple resorts, restaurants, or simple lodging facilities to accomodate guests. They will show them their local delicacies, develop a taste for perfecting their local products to please guests. They will learn to perfect their artisan skills -- weaving, carving, painting -- to make things that are more useful than a mere souvenir. Tourists will bring money. Money will circulate in places outside of Manila. Rural Filipinos will have less reason to squeeze into the big dirty city just to join the rat race for minimum wage jobs. More importantly, the Filipinos will learn to be proud of what they have to offer. And that pride will develop into a deeper love for their country, which will make them not want to leave it just to offer their skills to make another country richer.

I always knew that if I were to do business, it would have to be export, so that I bring money into the economy instead of out. Tourism is just another way to do just that.

Traveling is what I love, and it is what has made me this friggin idealistic and optimistic about my own country. I just hope that by working in this field, I can let others see the same.

I don't see myself working as a hotel employee (unless under the development side) nor as a flight attendant (why take tourism if you're just gonna serve coffee?). Maybe I could manage a resort, or even start one... Maybe I can apply to the Department of Tourism, but then any sensible citizen knows that working for the government is NOT a smart idea... Maybe I could start a tour company.. starting with one area before the whole country... I don't know.

Working in this industry...... somehow.

To Quit or Not to Quit

2009-04-20T13:49:00.001+08:00

So I've been seriously contemplating suicide over the last few weeks and... oh wait did I say suicide? I meant to say RESIGNING FROM MY JOB. Its funny how you can so easily interchange the two as they seem so alike to some.

Anyway, I've been seriously contemplating quitting already. Allow me to write down all the contemplation thoughts, for it might just lead to a decision. You never know.

The good news is that I know what I want my next step to be: To experience short-term living in another country, and to study a course that will equip me with the proper skills needed to really do what I want to do.

In other words, STUDY IN ANOTHER COUNTRY.

Don't get me wrong. Unlike some kids with the same goal, I have every intention of coming back home, to use everything I learned to better my own country somehow. I just feel I NEED to get out to a foreign land and live on my own -- to adjust to a new way of life, hundreds of miles away from my comfort zone that is the Philippines. I know so many people who've done it, and I can't help but be jealous.

In fact, I've decided the best means for me to live in another country is through study and not work, because it has more assurance that I return home after.

And so I've been using our crappy (but free, nonetheless) internet connection in the office for research on schools, courses and scholarship opportunities for the ff courses:

International Sustainable Tourism Development,
Natural Resource Management,
and similar courses thereafter.

It's quite difficult when you have these questions in mind:

Which country do you choose? I've been leaning towards Australia, but Hawaii or anywhere else wouldn't be bad either. Just anywhere but the US and the chinese countries really.
How in the world do you determine which school to apply to? Every school will claim to be the best if you look online.
How in the world am I going to pay for this? Scholarship hunting, here I come.

So first things first. These are things I can do as early as now.

Get your diploma and Transcript from Ateneo.
Apply for TOEFL or IELTS, pay $170, and pass the goddamn test with flying colors.
Keep on looking.

NOW, the question is, can or should I quit my job already?

YES, because 1, it's getting you nowhere, and will get you nowhere;
and 2, it's taking up time that you could use making these applications;

NO, because 1, it's your only constant source of income at the moment.

This is what's gonna happen if I stay with my job:

I'll continue to go to work everyday from 6-9pm, feel like an idiot at the office, and get paid.
I get my very first calling card. (Big whoop)

And if I quit,

From "Wow, you work at Stoked? That's so cool!", to "You left Stoked!?! WHY?!?!!!!"
I will have to look for other ways to earn while filing my applications, which won't even guarantee instant enrollment. I could be idle for a very long time. Alternate temporary options: commercial modeling, travel writing, teaching surfing
No more free trip to Siargao
No more free wakeboarding

If it's anything I'm thankful for, it's the people I've met, indirectly thanks to my job. I wouldn't have been exposed to the surfing, skating, and wakeboard world (although I know I'd still be doing these things). If I didn't work at Stoked, I would never have proposed to Abe that night of the Aloha opening. So many things I'm thankful for, so no regrets whatsoever.

... I need to talk to my mother and ask her what she thinks. Unfortunately, her opinion does, and always will matter. But she's always wanted me to quit this job and find other options abroad. I just wonder if she'll allow me to quit with nothing sure to fall back on.

...

This is why people pray for guidance.

Holy Week 2009

2009-04-13T10:56:00.002+08:00

Summer yet again in the Philippine Islands. For those in school it means 2 months of freedom-- time to go to the beach and do everything we've been wanting to do. For us at work, it just means it's gonna be a HOT day.

But one thing I appreciate most about living in this Catholic-driven society is Holy Week. The 4-day weekend that allows almost everyone to take a break and enjoy 4 days of leisure. To the traditional Catholics it entails the usual rituals -- Visita Iglesia (visiting 7 Churches), walking the Stations of the Cross, fasting or abstinence, Confession, and of course Mass. In the states Easter is the time for the Easter Egg hunt. What that has to do with Jesus' resurrection, I can't begin to figure out.

But for the non-traditional types like myself, Holy Week means 4 days of freedom. Its a weekend where you can make a long trip to wherever and do whatever. Unfortunately, because the ENTIRE country is on holiday as well, these 4 days have turned into the absolute WORST 4 days of the year to travel. All resorts and flights are fully booked, not to mention very expensive. Just last Thurs, going to Subic took the average traveller 6.5 hours, thats 4 times the usual time of 2 hours. What can you do when you have a line of cars at the SCTEX toll gate reaching a record-breaking 2KM?

I began making plans for Holy Week as early as Feb with my friends. No surprise however, plans didn't push thru. I ended up making some last minute plans with my family to either Sagada or Pagudpud. Those didn't push thru either. I really wanted to make the most out of the weekend.

I had a great weekend nonetheless. As early as Wed night, I tagged along with friends to Subic. Ended up staying there all the way til Friday, where I got to surf in a pristine, empty line-up spot in Zamba -- the most beautiful spot I've surfed to date. Friday night I hopped on a bus back to Manila to make it to the family trip to Caliraya the next day.

And so I spent the holy weekend in Caliraya. What was supposed to be a daytrip turned into another overnight trip for me. (For some reason I like to stay away from Manila as much as I can... I still haven't figured out completely what that says about me.) Spent 2 days lounging around in the 24/7 breeze, had another go at windsurfing, and simply being there.

Instead of taking one long trip this year, I took 2 short but oh-so-sweet trips. I did everything I love to do, and the best part was that I spent less than P1000 for the whole week. Not bad for an unplanned week.

As we prayed as a family on the way to Cali, I just had to say it.. "Thank you Lord for the gift of Holy Week." (In a bitter Catholic way to say it, "Thank you Lord for suffering and dying on the Cross so that we have Holy Week")

But I didn't mean it that way, I'm just thankful for Holy Week.

Lakbayan Grade today

2009-04-05T22:20:00.002+08:00

My Lakbayan grade is C+!

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out at Lakbayan!

Created by Eugene Villar.

18 days on my Own

2009-04-03T17:08:00.002+08:00

So he's leaving me for 18 days. Now I have all the time to myself and so to make the most out of this, here's my list to keep me busy:

Finish the comic book you're reading, and start another book
Try to maximize your Holy Week
Spend time with the family
Spend time with friends
Skate!
Pole Dance with the surf girls
Prison Break S3 OR Lost S4 OR Felicity S3
Stay out of trouble
Stop wishing you were in Siargao

I think this'll do for now :p

Happy Switch ON

2009-03-20T12:44:00.003+08:00

My head has been a firehouse of thoughts, emotions, and conclusions lately. I haven't been smiling much, nor laughing. I've become a bore to hang out with, and I honestly don't know how he can stand being with me all the time. (That's one way I know he really loves me, PHEW!)

So I've been restless and anxious for the last few months, ever since the one year deadline I gave myself working at this company passed. I've been wanting to find other options, with the notion that I'm ready to move on with my still-undetermined lifepath. As simple a life I want to live, it's still a slapping truth that staying with this company, whether or not I excel, will not earn me enough. Sure I live simply--still no shopping, no excess gadgets, budget meals, etc-- but I also love to travel, and it's a sad fact that traveling costs moolah-- moolah that's soon to run out if I don't start saving.

The goal was simple -- find a job that ALLOWS you to travel. And I still want that. I still want to experience living in another country temporarily. I want to be lost in translation (ok maybe not), living on my own, immersing into a world totally different from my own.

As much as I love getting lost, it sucks to be lost in your very own home.

So I've been in this "lost" state for months now... and it's still not getting me anywhere.

I choose to be happy. And here are the many reasons why:

Screw job dissatisfaction. I'm happy I even have a job. Not just that, I have a fun job coveted by many. Sure, I don't get paid enough. But while I'm still sitting in this desk, might as well perform the best way that I can.
Desperately waiting for something that you're not even sure will come is useless. Life is still going on all around you, you should still enjoy it. There are still things to do, bills to pay, and people to love. This doesn't mean I'm losing hope; I would just rather amuse myself with a crossword puzzle while waiting for my big flight than do nothing at all.
I'm just tired of not smiling.

It takes 2 people to make a relationship work, and only 1 to break it.

2009-03-10T18:53:00.003+08:00

I just finished talking to my brother's now ex-gf... after 6 years of being together, he decides to break it off with her. Reasons seemed simple enough. He basically wanted out. After 6 years, he risked letting her go to breathe the single air... Now how that air smells is up to him.

After learning their story and how it ended, I couldn't help but break into tears. I really liked her as a person, and I think my brother is an idiot for letting go of someone like her. Even if she wasn't an "in-law" we'd still get along as friends, cuz we have several things in common. And I think my brother was one lucky dooshbag for having someone like her love him that much.

But you can't control another person's feelings. I guess she loved him more than he loved her. Why that is, I don't understand. And now he left her to find whatever it is he feels he needs that can't be found in their relationship. It's fair and it's normal, but just sad.

I admire her ability to dedicate so much of herself to one person. I've never done that, and I don't know if I ever will. To me it seems like digging your own grave if you give ALL of yourself to someone. I've always been more of the self-protecting type -- always making sure he loves me equally if not more than I love him. I'm the type who makes sure he appreciates me and what I give to the relationship. And once I feel I'm taken for granted, I do some sort of attack to make him see otherwise. It's brutal, but it works to protect myself.

Maybe it's smarter that way, but deep inside I know that's not real love. I don't love fully if I don't give fully, not expecting anything in return, no recognition, reciprocation, nor reward.

I guess that's how love is very much like suicide. Only you give the blade to someone else and its up to them what to do with it.

Evaluated

2009-02-25T16:36:00.005+08:00

After more than a year in this company, I finally went through my first evaluation as an employee. Apparently the system here allows a numerical grading system to rate my performance based on certain job descriptions on my contract.

How did I do? I got a 2.5 which is AVERAGE, meaning I meet expectations.

What did I expect? Lower than that, to be honest.

For many weeks now I've been frustrated with this job not because it wasn't fun... not because I find it difficult or stressful. On the contrary, I find it to be to unchallenging, too unstressful, and just plain easy. Yet despite finding my job easy, I still scored a measly 2.5 out of a perfect 5.

Strengths (accdg to my boss)
- fast learner, can quickly understand concepts and instructions, reliable for the most part.

Weaknesses
- still quite the rookie at times, needs to try and initiate more or assert herself
- too easily distracted at times.

Areas for Further Development
- Plan, Prioritize and Execute... weekly, monthly, annually
- Always aim for the best results

Allow me to just vent out my inner reactions....

1. I don't have a system. No daily or weekly schedule to follow, no reports to submit on a regular basis.
2. No one taught me how to do my friggin job!! On the areas they did teach me what to do, I perform FINE.
3. I know I can do WAY better than that. God.

And to think I've been looking for other options already. This job won't earn me any savings. And it seems like the only way to be earning a comfortable rate is if I friggin own the company. But then should I leave knowing I didn't even perform well at this job... ? I've always been the type to aim for good grades and to impress the superiors, which is why this frustrates me.

It's like getting a C in History because you weren't there for the lecture before the exam.

So what to do from here?
Well for as long as I'm still in the company, I told myself I'd make the most out of it. Being a rookie is NOT an excuse! A lot of the above are also my fault and I'm well aware of that. So here's my next list:

NOTES-TO-SELF to do better in this job:
1. Formulate a FULL to-do list (think of more things to do apart from what they tell you)
2. If you're stuck doing nothing, GO TO A STORE
3. Visit each store at least once every month
4. Bring a notebook and pen to note ideas
5. FOLLOW UP on those ideas when you get back to the office.
6. Initiate your OWN weekly/monthly reports.
7. During events, clarify your role and to-do's.
8. ASK questions.
9. SUCK UP to the boss, for once.

..........
10. Find other options.

25 Things I didn't Post on Facebook

2009-02-11T16:26:00.004+08:00

Everyone in the social networking world including myself shared 25 random facts about themselves. The more entertaining your list, the better. Of course there are millions of random tidbits I could write -- some useless, some funny, some just plain random.

I just want to do it again, without the pressure of having to delight whoever will read it. Here goes...

I once stopped liking a guy when I found out he didn't enjoy desserts.
I am a horrible sister. I'm nice to everyone in the world except my sister. I'm improving as we're getting older, thank God.
I hate wasting time. I should clarify that doing nothing doesn't necessarily mean wasting time. Wasting time is doing something for a reason you don't even like or need.
I don't wear watches because they make me feel constrained.
I live by the philosophy that I was very fortunate to be born in a comfortable sphere. I didn't do anything to deserve that (unless you believe in past lives), just as people who are born into poverty didn't deserve it either. Now I try to live my life in such a way that'll make me worthy to have everything I was blessed with.
I am my own worst critic. I used to record my singing voice and dissect what was wrong. I also do it with performance videos and articles I write. I want to be the first to pinpoint faults before other people do. But I'm always open to criticism from others. If there's something you don't like about me, for the love of God, just tell me.
I've realized lately that I do believe in the concept of God-- that that which nothing greater can be thought. God is responsible for everything that is out of my control. Call him a spirit, a force, a friend or a Father, I just know that I didn't get to where I am on my own, and I thank "God" for that. And I think everyone's relationship with "God" is different.
My pager number was 1277-13190. My ICQ number was 14145391. And I remember when our landline number was 702979 and 786382 (only 6 digits)
One day I will shave my head. I will I will I will.
I have nothing but respect for those who work with charities and NGOs. How I wish I had your courage to follow your passion.
I have always suffered from the conflict of my skills vs interests. I was always better at Math, but I wish I was better at art.
Right now I'm not doing anything to alleviate the less fortunate, but I try to compensate by living as simply as possible. I don't know if that helps, but it's all I can do for now.
My whole life I've been told I was pretty, therefore I spent my entire life trying to prove there's more to me than that.
The most I've cried in my entire life was when my shih tzu named Checkers was dognapped from our house. He was my first dog and I was 10 when we got him. Up to now I still have dreams that he shows up at our doorstep.
How can I be good at business when I have no desire to make a lot of money?
I would kiss a rat before even touching a cochroach.
I wish I could live under the sea forever. If you haven't seen a thriving Philippine coral reef 80ft under the ocean surface, you haven't seen anything.
I don't date perfect looking guys. Ok, maybe just ONE date, but that's about it.
I don't like swimming pools unless they're deep with a good diving board. Otherwise it's just plain boring.
If I don't sweat massively or do anything physically strenuous at least once a week, I get grumpy.
I thoroughly enjoy the company of the "weird".
I don't carry a makeup pouch in my bag, but I always have bandaids.
I miss pole vaulting and I wish that non-basketball sports careers were an actual option in this country.
I have this theory that the amount of space in our brain is a fixed number. As more information comes in, others are pushed out. But there are memories that were embedded early enough for them to be stacked in so deep that they'll never go away. It also explains why I would read so many encyclopedia-type books as a child--I was trying to fill the empty space in my brain. And now that I'm older, I don't have that same thirst for knowledge... although I still try. It's harder to learn things as you get older.
I deeply appreciate the education I got from Ateneo, I just wish the values they tried to emphasize could be instilled in every graduate. I still wish I took up Marine Biology for college.

Ego Tripping

2009-01-28T18:49:00.004+08:00

When you mention my name to someone I know, automatically someone thinks "sporty girl". I grew up being the tomboyish one-of-the-boys types, and as I grew older, despite the many hobbies and interests I went through, I still end up going back to my love for sports and physical outdoor activities as my "thing". Everyone has his/her own "thing", mine was always sports.

From ballet I switched to gymnastics. Then softball, badminton, volleyball, swimming, track&field. Then there are the alternative sports -- biking, rollerblading, skateboarding, wakeboarding, surfing. Recently I took up salsa dancing and now pole dancing. I usually learn faster than average, and I've had my share of achievements.

And so I came to ponder on why I love sports so much.

Do I love sports because I'm good at them, or am I good at sports because I love them?

What makes us love what we do? Of course being good at it helps. I could excel at things that I didn't necessary like. Running for example, I didn't enjoy so much, but I could do well. And so the thought that I did sports to boost my ego just scared me. It shouldn't be the reason, and I won't accept that I even need to boost my ego. I guess the years of being idle after college makes you crave that recognition that was once stuffed down your throat. It's just ironic, but I guess it's human nature to want that sense of worth.

But I do love sports, win or lose. I love moving. I love sweating and feeling tired. I love being challenged, and struggling through a challenge. I enjoy flipping. I like speed. I like the thought of almost dying. I'm a self-proclaimed adrenaline junkie.

Thank God. I feel better already.

2009.. The year of the ?

2009-01-19T11:38:00.005+08:00

I begin every new year with a list of To-Do's. I like to keep them as simple and realistic as possible because I really do subconsciously tune my brain to completing them before the year ends. Last year I listed things like:

stay with my job til the end of the year-- check!
grow my hair -- check
go to siargao -- double check
learn to surf -- check

Of course I dont get to do everything on the list. I didn't get to go to Vigan or Sagada, and I failed miserably at staying single. But you can't have everything in life. And besides, there's always next year.

And so I begin 2009 on a high note.

First step: CUT MY HAIR.
2 weeks ago, I went from this:
TO THIS: So yeah, from the longest hair I've ever had, to the shortest so far. It's a refreshing change, even if someone thought I was a dike, even if I look like a boy. I like it.

I want things to change this year. It's the year of the ox. It's MY year. I'm turning friggin 24. Time to earn myself some money that will give me a future. Time to face the reality that I still have absolutely NO idea what to do with my life. I've been in this anxious mental state for quite some time now, which explains why I had such a hard time writing down my 2009 goals... so here they are, open-ended, and in question marks.

Stay with my low-paying job and attempt to reach sales targets for a very minimal amount of commission incentive?
Go international, but where? Australia? To work or to study? To do what? To study what?
Start a business here?
Buy yourself a car?
Europe with Abe?

Okay okay.. remember, SIMPLE things. Yes, these I can do:

Keep your hair short
Take care of your relationships: Love, family, friends
Make more friends
Find a new sport/hobby
Get a tattoo
Stay fit -- run more
Stick to no beef/pork diet
Save money -- BUDGET
Find alternative ways to earn money
LOCATIONS: Sagada, Vigan, Pagudpud, Lanuza, Samar, Siquijor

Sucks to be lost. But hey, as Reality Bites said it best:

"The only person you should be at 23, is yourself."

I wish it was just that easy.

Here's to another year fellas. Cheers!

Know the Feeling

2008-12-22T14:47:00.004+08:00

Not very long ago, a friend texted me:

Miks, tanong ko lang ha.. ano ba talaga meaning ng 'stoked'?

My head went around in circles thinking of an answer, and so I just replied:

"When you finally get to try surfing or wakeboarding or skating, you'll know."

According to Mr Webster,

stoked
adj. Slang

Exhilarated or excited.
Being or feeling high or intoxicated, especially from a drug.

He doesn't mention anything about sports.. he probably never surfed.

Now before writing this, I thought to myself, who am I to define the word? I'm no professional. Sure, I can catch a wave, I can ride the wake, and I can skate a bit, but I won't claim to be the all-knowing advocate for stoke.

All I know is, I've felt it. I felt it the first time I felt my board glide across the water with me standing on it, I felt it when I finally landed a ramp attempt in the cable park. I felt it when I skated down that dreaded Pili corner and lived to tell about it (with a bunch of scars to support my story). I even felt it the first time I lifted off the ground with my pole (when I was learning to Pole Vault back in college), I feel it everytime I jump off a cliff, and I felt it when I first touched a turtle while diving.

Maybe it's just a feeling of accomplishment, or a pure adrenaline rush. I've read articles even trying to study the exact chemicals in the brain that produce the feeling, and even the author found it difficult to conceive.

Anyway, this is my feeble attempt:
I think it's a feeling of temporary ecstasy/exuberance brought about by a feat you never thought you could or would do... with an addictive property that will keep you eternally hungry for more.

It's the feeling that brought forth extreme sports, competitions, and billion-dollar industries. It's the feeling that started the company I work for, and it's the reason the company lives on.

It's true when they say that the beginners who stand up for the first time can be just as stoked as those psychotic surfers who drop down 40ft faces and come out alive with the biggest smiles on their faces.Whatever it is, it's a feeling that should be shared and passsed on from one person to the next... to add a little less stress and bring a whole lot more joy as we each strive to breathe through our lifetimes on this awesome planet.

Ok, I'm done now.

Water Sentiments

2008-12-03T17:46:00.004+08:00

It's a daily struggle to live in a world of people. It adds a totally different factor to the things you get into. I try surfing for instance, and yet am intimidated by the people already into the sport... then there's that pressure of fitting in with the "community", even if you totally suck and you try your best not to be another poser. And then you shove it off and remind yourself that you don't care what people think, and you get into the water and paddle your way to the lineup thinking you're gonna surf because you want to have fun in the ocean and you wanna get better at it. And then you get to the line up and everyone is there with pretty much the same reasons and you're all fighting for the chance to have that magical ride and you end up not riding at all because you don't want to get in the way of anyone better than you. And so you end up paddling back to a friendlier spot where the waves are smaller and people are struggling just as much as you. You catch an easy wave or 2, feel the stoke, feel proud of yourself as you paddle back to wait for another one. You smile once in a while at the stranger next to you, then you catch another wave. Before you know it, 4 hours has passed and your skin is nice and toasted. As you catch another wave and lose count, you feel you've earned your spot in the line up, and then you stop worrying, you stop caring what they think.

I don't know about you, but this is how I feel in a crowd. Perhaps I'm too hard on myself. I probably have it all wrong, but I say it out loud anyway.

I wanna surf again... in an empty line up... with just me and the water... no other factors.

Must learn to Cook.

2008-11-26T16:57:00.006+08:00

From now on I'll be adding more pictures to this blog. It just makes it prettier.

As of May 26, 2008, I hopped on the healthy living train. Been refraining from beef and pork, exercising when I can, and avoiding the carbs at night. Ok, vanity is part of it, but mostly I just prefer being healthy.

I spent last weekend in Real, Quezon for a simple and short-lived surf trip with a group of vegetarians. No meat, just fresh veggies, fruits, whole wheat bread, soy milk and fibre. I love how we each prepared a meal for everyone. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to help with any of the cooking since I didn't have time, and I know absolutely nothing in the kitchen. I'm proud to say that I prepared our dessert that night though, and if it's anything I know about food, it's dessert.

Graham crackers, peanut butter, bananas, and Choco-choco! With added calligraphy to seal our weekend-long friendship.

We didn't do much apart from surf... didn't talk much either... and the weather was horrible...

But for some reason I had a really really good time.

Faith

2008-11-20T15:29:00.001+08:00

I realized last night that I do believe in God...
Because in moments of despair
right before you feel completely and utterly alone,

... you just don't.

Reply

2008-11-14T18:36:00.001+08:00

Hi love. Thanks for sending me this entry. It just goes to show that we are still in the stage where we communicate openly and honestly, and I hope that never ever changes. Anyway this is gonna be quite long but bear with me please. I’ve never shared this with anyone else.

I’ve always been one to question religion. I was never a big fan of it. I clearly remember one of the most interesting discussions in high school when one of my radical teachers introduced Nietzsche and his whole “God is dead” idea. After growing up surrounded by rosaries and Christian Living Education, it was shocking, somewhat disturbing, yet totally interesting to hear anti-religious ideas like that. And then we began studying other religions, which drew me to Buddhism and especially Taoism. The way I saw it was, if the majority of the world believes in other gods not named Jesus Christ, who are we to say Christ is the way, the Truth, and the Life? That was the start of my detachment from being a Roman Catholic.

Believe me when I say that we share mostly the same beliefs. We’re both skeptics, basing conclusions on facts that have been tested and proven. It’s why we love the Discovery Channel. It’s why we get along so perfectly well.

Why do we base ideas on facts? It’s just easier, it’s certain. It’s what is quantifiable, visible and just plain real. And being perfectly logical human beings, it’s only natural to rely on reason and logic… although your thoughts are explained way more methodically than mine.

However, unlike you, there came a point during my collegiate years in Ateneo (I make it sound as if that was so long ago.. hehe) where I came to peace with Religion and Christianity and Catholicism. And this is one of the things I appreciate most from going to ADMU, because I don’t know if this would’ve happened if I went to any other school, especially UP. I share this with you not to preach nor impose. It just explains where I come from and since we do think rather similarly, maybe it’ll help you find answers to questions you never even knew you had.

GOD DIDN’T CREATE MAN. MAN CREATED GOD.
The skeptic in me agrees with the statement. I believe man created religion to have answers to questions not meant to be answered. It was supposed to be a tool of hope, a tool that forms communities, uniting everyone to surrender to a higher being, because no man should think he is higher or more deserving than anyone else. The existence of the idea of God humbles us all under the same roof. And man definitely needs humility. Unfortunately, the Church is imperfect because man is imperfect. Its initial function was lost in the middle of evangelization and moneymaking. Religion in the most ideal world could do good. Whether or not it still works in today’s world, I don’t know anymore.

It is true that from a historical point of view, religion has divided the world more than united it. Most of the early wars were because of religious conflict, and the Catholic Church has one of the highest murder rates of all. (Do they beat the Holocaust though? I dunno) And I see how the Church has become one huge money-making operation and the so-called “opium for the masses”. For these reasons and more you really can’t blame people for not believing in organized religion. I know I was never a fan.

Then I opened myself to the fact that maybe there was more to it than that. I thought, before I reject Christianity altogether, I should at least study it, understand it, and make sense out of it, so I can fully KNOW it. It would be sad to reject something you don’t fully understand. So I explored the very roots of where this giant institution came from – logic, faith, wonder. This was during my Theology classes in college. It was probably my better sense of maturity that allowed me to study the topics as if they were fresh. I read the readings with the urge to make sense out of it. I thought to myself: Theologians and scholars are perfectly intelligent people, I have to understand what makes them think and believe what they do. I doubt their faiths were formed blindly. There had to be some mental process involved. The thing I appreciated most from Theology is not that it stressed that we believe in Jesus Christ and the Church—it was that we were recognized as beings blessed with reason and logic, and it is precisely that reason and logic that will lead the way to find God.

I already told you that I learned to appreciate the Catholic Church after learning about Liberation Theology. The reading by Jon Sobrino I wanted you to read can pretty much explain everything I understood to be true about Catholicism. I hope you do find time to read it.

Sure I finally made sense out of Catholicism. This blog entry will say so http://beachbum714.livejournal.com/70187.html. I found a logical reason to believe in a certain aspect of what the Church is there for. And we’ve talked about this several times before. It doesn’t mean that I’ve become a devout Catholic, but there’s a part of Christianity I’ve come to appreciate.

As for Christianity and the whole Born Again movement… I do get offended when you make fun of it. I may not agree with everything they believe and I don’t see myself making the commitment to their church, but like I said, I admire them for their conviction and their amount of faith. I personally know several of the pastors and the active people who run the organization, and I’ve come to know their overly friendly culture as well. They don’t deserve to be mocked, that’s all.

Who is Jesus to me?
I believe he is someone who supposedly existed and if the Bible is true (which of course we can’t be certain either) made a huge impact during his time—an impact so lasting that it trickled down to 2000 years later, forming not one but several movements we call religion that have changed (and I daresay “saved”) the lives of millions around the world. The character the Bible created showed the perfect example for what it means to LOVE which every goodhearted imperfect person will live his life to imitate, making the world a better place. – that’s what I appreciate about Jesus. As for his divinity, honestly, it really isn’t important to me.

The truth is, even if I appreciate what he’s done, it doesn’t mean I have faith. I still don’t get it. If I did, I would share the faith of the faithful – that Jesus is a living force – a father, a friend, brother, lover, etc. What drives the Born Again Church is not the doctrines – they come together to celebrate the personal relationships they have with Jesus as their God. It’s all about the personal relationship. I haven’t fully defined that relationship in my life yet. Maybe because I haven’t reached any craters in my life where I lose the will to live. Maybe I never felt I needed a relationship with God. Whatever the reason, it’s why I still don’t pray on a regular basis.

And so I remain afloat… believing in Love and the goodness of people… believing that I am here for a reason… born with more blessings than I can handle, to which the only person I can thank for that is something or someone I like to call God. As for a proper name for him, be it Jesus or Buddha or Brahma or whatever, I am still open to suggestions. But I will continue to strive to be a good person, to use my talents and skills to make the world a better place, to live simply and to acknowledge the intrinsic good in all that is living.

THAT is what makes me happy. And after that last sentence I can just scrape out the novel I just wrote and say: “WHATEVER MAKES YOU HAPPY”.

I STOP NOW.

I miss writing.

2008-11-14T11:00:00.000+08:00

I miss writing.

I read people's blogs and I admire their ability to dig down deep and poetically express their emotions and ideas. Everyday I sit in front of this damn computer for work, and my time has been dominated by Excel sheets, catalogs, Facebook and Wordtwist. Absolutely no outlet to release the very little creative juice I have inside me, and as I write less, I feel the juice drying up to the point of dehydration.

Did that even make sense?

But I haven't stopped thinking. It has been the curse and driving force of my meager existence on this imperfect planet. I think about my current state, where I'm going, and if I'm happy. I think about the people around me, whether they're happy. I think about the stranger still, whether he still has the willpower and hope to be happy despite his unfortunate situation. I still question the role of the Higher Being i.e. God in my life. I wonder if I've fulfilled my life roles appropriately...

As an employee, I diligently go to work and constantly try to impress.. which is degrading, frustrating, and unmaximizing.

As a girlfriend, I try to remain a good person, to make it easiest for him to keep on loving me, as I do my best to love him the way he deserves.

As a daughter and a sister, I owe my family my time... and I hate that I do not have the will to make enough time for them. Maybe it comes with growing up. I know I'll probably regret it one day...

As a friend, I hope they don't take it against me that I spend less time with them.

My love language is definitely Quality Time. I show my love best by the time I give and spend with that particular person, activity, or pet :p Makes me wonder: if my the amount of my love is measured by the amount of time I give, then that makes it limited... because you only have so much time in a day to allot among yourself, your job, your relationships. Probably why I used to wonder if loving something more makes you love something else less. Or can you constantly grow your sphere of love?

Tis quite a complicated world I live in.. simply because I make it so.

Ok enough free flowing thought. Back to work.

Silky Smooth

2008-10-14T17:36:00.000+08:00

With nothing to do with ourselves on a Monday evening, my insane boyfriend and I headed to Lay Bare Waxing Salon to get our very first Brazilians.

Sure, I've had my legs and armpits waxed before, so I have a relatively good idea of how much it hurts. But then I think every person has to go through a Brazilian at least once in their lives, and it was our time to do it.

Nervous? More than ever
Determined? YES!!

It would've helped if the ladies in the salon would've eased our discomfort by a few words of encouragement.. something like, "Don't worry, it won't hurt as much as you think" or "We have a special way to make it NOT hurt" or whatever will get my blood pressure down. But I guess they were just so used to doing it everyday that they didn't care if the customer was a waxing virgin or a masochistic regular. They probably have the worst job one could possibly have too, so I don't blame them for not giving a shit about me.

I've never been to a gynecologist, and so it was my first time to expose my most sacred parts to a total stranger. Just to make it clear, a bikini wax aka "Charlie Chaplain" is just the sides. A BRAZILIAN, is every single strand down there, yes, all the way around the ass.

Anyway I guess it's just a matter of getting past the initial discomfort and letting it happen. It gets even more unnerving when she tells you to turn on your belly so she can do around your friggin asshole. I asked her (in tagalog of course) if a customer's ever farted while she was doing this, she laughed and said "hindi pa naman". Hey, at least I made her laugh.

I, on the other hand, was laughing and on the verge of tears throughout the whole process. Of course it hurts. It hurts like a m*therf*cker, especially as she goes nearer to your most sensitive part that I need not name. There's a reason you have the option to go "Charlie Chaplain", and a very good reason indeed. I don't know if I could do it again.

WHY IN THE WORLD DID GOD GIVE US PUBIC HAIR IN THE FIRST PLACE?!! -- was all that was screaming in my head.

Well anyway, I finished it, and now it's a whole new world to me. Feels much cleaner, looks almost childlike (note: ALMOST), and its silky smooth.

I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like for a guy!!

Good luck to me when the hair begins to grow!

Updating my life's TO-DO list:

BRAZILIAN WAX, check!

Honing the People Skills

2008-10-13T17:23:00.000+08:00

"Masyado kang mataas." (You're too high)

I finally sat down with my superior to discuss all the underlying issues concerning my performance (or lack thereof) in the company and our working relationship-- a heart-to-heart discussion I've been waiting for since I started working on my own, not knowing what the hell to do half the time.

So it turns out she wasn't clear as to what my role was, and neither was I. I was to report to her and to our President, but would end up talking to the President only since he was the one who consistently asked for updates. Apparently she was also waiting for me to come to her... we were waiting for each other.

She also didn't know how to handle me. She rules the office with an iron fist, telling everyone else what to do, scolding for mistakes, etc. But she never talked to me, never asked me what I was working on, where I was going, nada. She was under the impression that I felt I need not report to her since I could go straight to the big boss. She, and the rest of the office, were intimidated by me.

If in the US they worry about discrimination based on race or gender, here in the Philippines its all about the socio-economic heiarchy. The cancer of our society lies between the relationship between those more "well-off" and those who "have less options available to them". (Note the political correctness). It may also be between the english speakers and the tagalogs or the bisaya. Or maybe its between Ateneo and Lasalle vs the rest of the collegiate world. Whatever the main barrier is, it has to do with money and the culture differences brought about the availability (or shortage) of it.

I have always considered myself a middle-class citizen. To be more technical about it, maybe upper middle class. I don't live in a private subdivision, we own 2 cars, and I can't afford anything at Zara (or I choose not to purchase anything expensive.) I've always been in the frugal side when it comes to consumer choices.

So I had English as my first language. My parents also managed to enroll me in the better private schools, where I met most of my friends who belonged to the upper layers of the social pyramid. I stuck to english-speakers simply because I could communicate better. But when it comes to money issues, they know I'm just a cheap ass who'd rather eat in the food court than one of the restaurants upstairs. And I always viewed myself as someone who was more versatile when it came to people.

And so I was taken aback by my boss' comment, somewhat offended and amused at the same time. For the 11 months I've been in the company, I could not relate to anyone-- the english speaking upper management seemed too cool and consumeristic to have a real conversation, and the rest of the office, well, just didn't talk to me... for whatever reason.

And so I made the effort to break the ice by joining some of the staff in an after-work inuman in Edsa Central. Of course they were shocked to see "Ms. Mika" there with them, and I honestly had no idea how to place myself there. It's not that I considered myself higher than them at all. Heck, I was younger than ALL of them. I just had no idea to relay the message that I could hang out with them just like anyone else, without appearing too trying-hard nor condescending. As much as I stand for equality among anything else, I had no idea how to establish that with them. I was friggin out of place.. like I was back in high school.

The only reason I'm writing about this is because I haven't been placed out of my comfort zone in a while, and this is definitely one of those fortunate learning moments. Sure I had and still have nothing to talk about with them, but hopefully the mere fact that I sat down and shared a beer with them (even if I don't drink beer) is a good enough first step to melt the unnecessary ice.

Maybe next time I can bring out my corny jokes.

Back from the Islands

2008-09-29T17:41:00.000+08:00

DISCLAIMER: This blog entry is written for myself, for personal documentation purposes only. You're not expected to relate, whoever you are.

Nine days in the remote island of Siargao well spent.. 9 days of supposed work, surf, explorations, parties, and personal encounters. I went there for the 2008 Billabong Cloud9 Invitational, thanks to the very fortunate coincidence that the company I work for sponsored it. However, I was able to extend my stay for more than the 7-day competition window, as I personally wanted to see more of the island, as well as spend time with friends there.

I'm only writing now to document quite an interesting trip it was for me personally. At that very moment I left for Siargao, there were several things I wanted to accomplish:

for myself: surf with my new longboard for the first time (and get better at surfing)
for job 1: help out with whatever work has to be done, although minimal
for job 2: see and experience enough to accomplish a good travel article about the island
for myself: overcome or maybe accomplish that sense of independence despite being in a relationship
for him: spend time with him in his home turf.

With all of this in mind, the event ongoing, plus everyone who was there, including the very boyfriend I was trying to somewhat detach from, I ended up mixing around my 3 functions there, which resulted in a whirlwind of emotions bottled up inside me. I wanted to prove to my boss that I was useful and worth sending to the island, I wanted to experience the island without his help, I wanted to surf.

The trip had its major highs which involved either a good surf session or a pristine swim with stingless jellyfish, as well as major lows involving me breaking down at midnight and walking along the pitchblack road pissed off at myself for not being able to withstand certain sleeping conditions.

A big part of me forgot that I was there for the competition itself, because it meant sacrificing certain hours that could have been spent surfing or traveling around. It all came down on me when I missed the finals of the competition--possibly the most exciting finals EVER, as our very own local team rider won. I cried my heart out for missing it, and I guess this is me trying to figure out why I reacted so extremely.

Normally a trip to a place like this would mean consistently happy days, as you are always discovering, relaxing and having fun. Guess its different when other things are involved such as work.

Lesson learned: PMS is a bitch.

Magis my Ass.

2008-09-17T15:56:00.000+08:00

This morning I dropped my sister to school. Its been months since I last entered the premises of my alma mater, and apart from some new buildings and cobblestone roads, NOTHING'S changed.

As I was on my way driving out, there was a Pajero in front of me, with an arm that sticks out of the right side and flicks a used cigarette onto the dry grass.

I drive ahead of it, and wasn't surprised to see 2 male students sitting in the front seats in shades with their windows down.

Anger, frustration, but mostly disappointment entered my head.

First of all, YOU SHOULDN'T BE SMOKING. It's a non-smoking campus. Thats what those "smocket gardens" are for goddamit.

Secondly, DON'T THROW YOUR BUTT ON DRY GRASS!! It's not just littering, it's DANGEROUS!! That's how forest fires are started you idiot.

Thirdly, (and this is for ADMU), whatever it is you're trying to teach your 1st-rate-educated-elite is NOT working. They are still as ignorant as ever.

Gaaaaaahhhhhhh.

Restlessly Happy

2008-09-15T13:26:00.000+08:00

Jone Johnson Lewis:

The human condition is that we are individuals in relationship, and there are tensions between individuality and relatedness. A humanist spirituality is not one of complete dependence, nor of complete independence -- neither condition can be defended as primary. Rather, a humanist spirituality is one of interdependence.

How are you?

My consistent answer: "Restlessly happy"

Over the last 6 months, I've been in love with the Traveler. I mentioned him once and I'll update this blog today. This will explain why I've been missing from the online blog world for quite some time (despite my overly updated Facebook profile). Ironically, my recent entries were all celebrating my single life and how I told myself I'd stick to it for as long as I can. God really has a peculiar way of acting. He throws things at you before you even know you want it, before you even think you NEED it. I didn't want a relationship, yet I meet someone that seems to be everything I've ever dreamed of in a person. The romantic in me gave way. This one doesn't come around very often.

It's the first time I'm with someone with Marriage as the end in mind. It's no longer the temporary just-for-now-while-its-convenient-for-bo

th-of-us kind of thing. I hate that I've said this before, but this really is different, and for the first time ever, I can say this one will be hard to lose. I'm in this because I could be severely hurt, because he could be my first heartbreak... and of course, because we really do get along overwhelmingly well.

Here are a few of the many positive changes that have occured in the last 6 months. These are reasons I've been HAPPY lately, with myself and with him:

Traveling out of town every chance we get.. Siargao, Camiguin, Baguio, La Union, Pinatubo, etc
Friend network expansion, especially in the surf community
Skateboarding - now one of my favorite pastimes.
New ideas, new books, new movies
I bought a surfboard -- my first 5 digit expense for myself
I still get to wear slippers to work
The security and comfort you get from loving and being loved

On the other hand, just like in economics, there are tradeoffs to everything. In exchange for my blossoming love life, I've also been RESTLESS for several reasons

I've been away from my online blog semi-life for months.. only updating my handwritten journal when I rarely find time. (Haven't decided what this implies though)
I haven't finished any of the books I started,
I seen my family and Cucumberd friends less
Much less external opportunities to find new hobbies
Less drive to find a job abroad... (I still want to do it, but I'll admit less than before)
Still lost career-wise, earning just enough to live day by day with very little savings.
I still don't think I'm doing my job well at all...

For these reasons I told him I needed to be more independent... I feel as if I'm losing myself somewhat in the middle of all the happiness... if that's even possible. I miss my alone time, my not-needing-anyone-else-to-be-happy time. I miss time spent at home. I miss my Cucumberd friends. I miss reading, and I miss sports. I miss my drive to learn and the things I would end up doing due to boredom. Whether or not I can have these all while still being with him, I don't know.. which is why I asked for a few days off.

Whatever happened to my dreams of becoming a Marine Biologist? New idea: Take up Engineering and develop sustainable designs (inspired by 11th Hour). The treehugger in me has been poking me at the back of my head and I don't know what to do about it.

The Stranger

2008-08-03T22:01:00.000+08:00

Dedicated to The Stranger

I step out of the comfort of my home and there you are.
I do not know you, you do not care to know me.
You knock on my window, forcing the heavy cloud of guilt through my veins.
You are feared, because you are unknown.

I grew up in a home where you were not acknowledged.
You are not my responsibility, as I am not your burden to bear.
My concern is my destination, my next task on my personal agenda.
And yet you always seem to show yourself, no matter where I go.

The truth is, I do acknowledge your presence.
You exist to me as another human being, with a mind, body and soul.
I see the mind behind the pitiful gaze, and I honestly wonder what you are thinking as you ask me for help.
Can you blame me for not giving anything?
Do you hate me for not giving?
Do you expect me to help you?

The scarier part of this all is that i think its not just me.
EVERYONE knows that you exist.
Sadly, everyone denies it.
They choose not to be burdened, not to feel bad for the life they live.
Other people can do it so easily, to go on their pursuit for happiness, the way they think they'll find it.
They can do it without your presence to pull them down.
I admire their strength, for I cannot do that.
I cannot sit comfortably in my car while your child is freezing in the rain.
I cannot enjoy a P200 meal when I know it's enough to feed your entire family.
And it makes it difficult for me to live like this.
Especially when I don't know what to do about it.
When there's nothing I can do about it.

This is me being totally honest, and totally alone.

Reliving Childhood

2008-07-10T14:03:00.000+08:00

One of the things I like most about my job right now is the industry I'm in. I love that my work is people's play. We sell apparel and gear for wakeboarding, skating, or surfing -- which are things a majority of adults would only do to "get away" or "try something extreme" or "relive childhood". But to myself, and the select few out there, it's more than just something you do on a whim-- it's a LIFESTYLE-- and my lifestyle has definitely changed thanks to the circumstances my job has offered me.

Thanks to the things and people I've been exposed to, I now spend some of my weeknights carving along the streets of High Street or Forbes or Dasma on a longboard skateboard. I have 3 new blatantly visible scars on my arms and knees which resulted from my idiotic attempts to go down the big hills without any protection (not to mention lack of experience).

I remember spending my summer afternoons outside the house-- the lone little girl with glasses rollerblading with the boys, also attempting to jump over chairs, little bikes, going down stairs and what not. I would do 360s, 180s, etc. I was even convinced I could've made it to the X-games if I never stopped. (I was a cocky little girl)

After all my near-death incidents from longboarding, I decided to do the next "smart" thing--

I BOUGHT MYSELF A PAIR OF ROLLERBLADES!!
While all the itching surfers are getting their stoke fix from their Sector9's, I decided to go down those big hills on a pair of inline skates, just like I used to when I was 9 years old. Even though I'm probably the only female skater my age within a 10mile radius, at least I'm more comfortable with what I'm doing, and its back to rediscovering my old tricks. And it's a great way to burn those damn Krispy Kreme donuts in my growing tummy.

I told my mom I bought myself a pair of roller blades and she just said,

"Are you trying to be a kid again?!"

Hey, since when is that a bad thing?

And this is my goal for the coming months:

INSPIRATION!!!

Things of Value, Love included

2008-04-18T17:44:00.000+08:00

A friend of mine centered his blog on the things we value in our lives. Each person has his own standards for what is valuable, and that determines not just his purchasing choices, but his life choices as well. Recently I got to thinking about this in relation to myself.

I always knew I was a stingy person. I don't spend much on clothes, magazines, or expensive food. I hate paying for parking, and you'll rarely find me at the mall on a leisure day. I never aimed to be rich, and I want to live a nice consumerist-free life in the province one day.

At first I thought it was because I hated money. But now that I think about it, I realized I value money VERY much, which is why I choose my investments carefully. I usually spend my money on my trips out of town, because that is what I love. The things that make me happy are what I value (just like everyone else), but luckily for me, they aren't that expensive. I try to find my happiness from things that wont cost me too much monetarily.

And then I started thinking about my relationship choices. (Brace yourself for an emotional entry.) I've had 3 relationships since I was 18 years old, and I was the one who ended all of them. Why? To answer it as simply as possible, he just wasn't the one. I deeply cared for every single one of them, yet I ended it because there was always something missing. (The problem when you have the traveler's personality is that you can't commit to anything because you know there's always something else out there waiting to be discovered. I'll save that for another blog.) Although I said "I love you" to these guys, I ended it for one reason or another. Maybe it wasn't love in the first place. It all depends on your personal definition, whatever it is. I can't be with anyone for more than a year because I have a list of musthaves and qualities needed. Call them high standards, fine.

Going back to things of value... who you decide to give your heart to is one of the most important investments you'll ever have to make in this lifetime. Can you blame me for being choosy? Before investing in a business, you'd have to make sure of certain things: the people running the business, the background of the company, and most importantly, the POTENTIAL for profit. You can't just choose any business and say "I've decided to invest in you, no matter who you are and what could happen." Unless you're some billionaire who can extract money from his ass.

I know love is a decision and a commitment, but I still have yet to find the right person who I can like, and trust enough to give myself to. Hey, it's all about the search right?

In other words, if you're so frustrated that you can't find the man of your dreams, it simply means you value yourself a lot. And don't ever give yourself up for anyone less than what you think you deserve.

Done.

MY Year of Yes

2008-04-09T16:10:00.000+08:00

A few months ago, I read The Year of Yes by Maria Headley, which is a light comedic book about the author's escapades as she decides to say Yes to EVERY person that asks her out for a whole year. She gives in to an open mind and in the process, comes across some of the strangest and most interesting people, and also finds the man she marries in the end. And it's all based on a true story.

I never realized how much I was influenced by this shallow read, until I decided to sit down and list the people I've met over the past 6 months that I've been single. Needless to say, I consider them friends now, and as long as they're fine with just being friends, then I'm fine with them. To mention a few:

The Lost Taken Guy. This guy was endorsed to me by his EX. He took me to an old bar with his older cousin/tito (which was fine, really). As if that wasn't weird enough, he had a girlfriend--which was fine by me (Thank God!!) So I was totally ok with everything, until he got a little too drunk and let me drive his car to bring myself home. And then he lingered while dropping me off, expecting me to invite him into my GRANDMOTHER's house. What for? I dont even want to know. No thank you.
The Old Aussie executive from ADB. Old enough to be my father. Would not stop calling me at the office to invite me for lunch. Had lunch once to see what he wanted. It was a normal date, save for the fact that he was probably more than twice my age. Never returned his phone calls after that. It just felt wrong.
The Politician/Party Boy. Belonged to the upper society group. Took me to fancy restos where we wore slippers cuz apparently he's a down-to-earth guy. Ex's included super celebrities and models. Nice guy, but I didn't want to be a "breath of fresh air" for this one. I didn't belong in his world.
The Health Buff. Had a healthy dinner in a Japanese Restaurant. Eats wood for breakfast, counts the number of calories per gram per item of food he ate. Soccer and Fitness. Sorry no can do.
The Celebrity. Knock Knock. (ME: Who's there?) Celebrity: Bok. (Bok who?) Bok bok. I'm a chicken! Hhahahaa!! Self-explanatory.
The DJ. The best thing about hanging out with a radio DJ? They do all the talking. And they're pleasant to listen to. But I can't be romantically involved with anyone who speaks hiphop. Friends lang please :p
Frenchie. Its the first time a foreigner MY age took interest in me. And I love engaging with foreigners. While I was nice enough to take him around the town and show him the beauty of my country like I always do, he was busy searching for the best way to stick his french tongue down my throat. It's just not how we do it in this country. Friends.

And then there were a few who turned out to be VERY interesting:

Mr. CEO. Career-driven, a painter/writer/musician, athlete, reader, and family guy. He's too busy of course for anything else, which is a good thing. I enjoy his company simply because its always pure intellectual conversation without expecting anything from each other.
The Traveler. Been all over the place. Also wants to settle down in the province one day. Self-sufficient and intelligent. Loves art and music. Doesn't carry a credit card. Basically fits the exact profile of my ideal person. And we're friends.

The last two people are still around, and I always enjoy their company. The best part about it is that we're all just friends and I don't have to worry about anything else. At this point in my life, the last thing I want is another relationship that starts off passionately romantic and then ends when I realize there's still more out there. Right now it's NOT about dating, but rather meeting all kinds of people. I'm all for network expansion now, and it's been quite an interesting year.

As for the one person I'm meant to be with, I'm letting time and chance determine everything by now. One day he will be more than a stereotype, more than a personality, more than a mere profile. Only time can turn him into a real person, and that's precisely what I'm counting on... whoever he might be.

COMPANIONSHIP

finding someone who is just as LOST as you are in this world of infinite uncertainty
someone who's on the same dot on the map
heading in the same direction
searching for nothing but finding EVERYTHING along the way
looking forward not to the destination, if any, but the PURSUIT.

your fellow wanderer, your partner in life.
- Mika Santos, June 2005

French Kiss

2008-03-31T14:42:00.000+08:00

The best thing about being single and open minded is that you give yourself opportunities to end up in the strangest situations. For example? Accepting an invitation to a party from a French person you only formally met through Facebook. Why? I really was free that night.

So I dragged my best friend along and found ourselves in the 14th floor of a condominium occupied by French foreign exchange students drinking and chatting in the one european language I never got around to learn. Even the person who invited me there was a stranger to me, and I had to put on my best foreigner mingling skills, with added difficulty due to the language barrier. We survived--uncomfortable and misplaced-- but we survived.

THE NEXT DAY:
I find myself being the only Filipina amongst 4 Frenchies having some drinks in a bar. Misplaced again, I struggle to keep up with the conversation. Felt like their little toy. They were showing me how the French like to smoke and drink and just have a good time.

And they showed me how to French kiss.

There's a HUGE difference in culture between French and Filipinos. From the food we eat, to the language, to the standard social customs. To them a kiss is just a kiss and nothing more. The French girl leaned over and kissed me on the lips, right after kissing the 2 boys beside me, with her French boyfriend right next to her. They were drunk from all their Bangenges and I was cold sober (as I always am during these situations). I was just thoroughly amused at the situation, and at the same time the back of my head was telling me they were just fooling around with my ignorant non-french-speaking self. But it was educational for me, so it didn't matter.

So yeah. French Kiss now crossed of my list.

Adding new things to my Life's to-do list:

Meet a French maid
Meet a German shepherd
Eat Swiss chocolate
Drink Dutch milk
~~French kiss~~

Any more ideas?

Somewhere in the Middle

2008-03-26T17:55:00.000+08:00

I've always been a middle type of person-- middle child, average height, medium shirt size, even my hair now is mid-length. When I used to take personality tests in those teen magazines I would always end up with a result that fell between the 2 extreme scores. Even when it comes to friendship, I'd rather be the mediator than one of the 2 parties arguing.

Anyway what I really wanted to share is that I love being a middle class citizen. My family isn't what I would call financially thriving. We live in a simple house in Marikina, own 2 overused cars, 2 household helpers, never had a driver (my dad would drop us to school and pick us up every single day). My mom always taught me to stick to the basic necessities and boy, did I stick to that philosophy as I grew older. My friends who know me well enough know that I like to keep my life as simple as possible. I'm not exactly the best person to shop with at the mall cuz I'd probably just make you feel guilty about everything you buy for over P500. It happens.

A friend and I were chatting earlier about what to do with our lives. He recommended that i walk the corporate road for at least 2 years before I go on my own and start my own business or whatever. And I know he's right. But right now I'm still too young and idealistic to work for the sake of money. i told him that I don't mind what I'm doing for as long as it involves one or all of the ff: travel, sports, environmental and social responsibility. I want to do what they call Social Entrepreneurship, which basically refers to a business whose primary aim is some social/environmental good, apart from profit. And then there was the idea of making some luxury product that can only be afforded by the upper class, and then letting the proceeds go to some better cause. Sort of like what Starbucks is doing. I call it the modern-day Robin Hood method.

Apart from the youth, I think the hope of the nation lies in the middle class. You talk about the widening gap between A and E? Well C is that bridge. We have the advantage of seeing both perspectives from an unbiased position. I know that I don't want to be excessively rich, but I don't want to be poor either. I don't understand why everyone seems to be aiming for a spot on the very tiny tip of the social triangle, when there's so much space right below it.

Aristotle describes the key to happiness as the Golden Mean -- which is the desirable middle between two extremes, one of excess and the other of deficiency. In other words, it's about finding the balance between opposites. Even the Spice Girls had it all figured out when they said "Too much of something is bad enough". if it's anything I learned from my Philosophy of Morality classes, it's that.

What's my point? I guess I just want everyone to be happy where they are. For millions of people around the world, 3 full meals a day is all they have (and need) to be thankful for.

God, I still don't know what to do with my life.

Flying through Liquid Skies

2008-03-24T15:06:00.000+08:00

Whenever someone asks me what one super power I could have, it was always Flying.

The most common question I get when someone finds out I was a Pole Vaulter: WHY POLE VAULTING of all sports?
My answer? It's the closest I'll ever get to flying.

And then someone asked me what I like most about scuba diving:
It's the closest I'll ever get to flying.

And you'll probably get the same answer when you ask a wakeboarder, a surfer, a gymnast, and maybe even a dancer. What is with my obsession with it? It's not like I ever wanted to be a pilot or an astronaut.

To explain it would probably be as difficult a surfer explaining the feeling of "Stoked". That's for a different blog altogether. Although maybe it is the same feeling. I don't know.

I just enjoy the feeling of going against obvious laws of Physics, or being in the air, even for a split second. With scuba diving, it's a very trippy feeling to be gliding over caverns, scaling 100ft walls of corals and fish, and just floating in infinite blue space. "Liquid skies" is the best term for it.

I had just came from an amazing dive trip at Apo Reef in Occidental Mindoro where we interrupted the underwater world and took a peak at the millions of species living in perfect harmony under the ocean surface. From green sea turtles to white tip reef sharks, to tuna much bigger than myself, it was yet another overwhelming experience to be down there. I truly love the feeling of flying through the liquid skies with them, in a world very far from my own, where you are totally vulnerable in the arms of Mother Nature herself.

Yesterday I went to mass on my own cuz it was easter and my parents were expecting me to go. I went into the very packed church (in my post-beach, post-12hour-travel attire) and stood in the crowd for about 10 uncomfortable minutes. I ended up stepping out and spending time in the chapel where they keep the exposed Blessed Sacrament. I always preferred that place in the church. So there I sat on my own, in complete silence, saying a very sincere THANK YOU to God for simply putting me on this earth, giving me a chance to witness the limitless wonders of His creation.

On Religion

2008-03-15T15:03:00.000+08:00

It's interesting to read your own views 3 years ago, simply because you read on where you used to stand, and how it modifies itself after time. With Religion, which will always be a touchy subject no matter where you're from, I've always remained as open-minded as possible. We will never know the Absolute Truth until the moment we die. The idea is how we live our daily lives. Some find their happiness in Christ and the Bible, some follow the teachings of Buddha, and some choose to find it their own self-ruled lives. I believe in Love, and every flowery happy thing about it. It's all you need. It makes the world go round. And it is a many-splendored thing. At the end of every day, it's what makes me happy.
It's just not always easy.

Livejournal Post dated Jan 18, 2004 but still very much applicable today.

I just came from the 8pm mass in Christ the King. Once again i am inside the great Church on a Sunday to fulfill my weekly obligation as a catholic.
Is it really worth going to mass if you don't listen, you don't even sit inside the church, and if you're not even sure you believe in God in the first place?

I amuse myself. I don't pray at night--actually I hardly pray at all... my faith is as stable as a pyramid of elephants balancing on a ball. (i just watched Dumbo onDisney!Ü) I amuse myself because I still make it a point to attend mass everySunday.

Today i went to mass with my parents, my mom's mom who's visiting from the states, and my sister. For once, we sat on the pews. we were late once again though. (I don't recall the last time we ever made it to mass on time.) On the way to mass, I kept thinking to myself : we live in Marikina, yet we always choose to go toChrist the King instead of the churches near the house. Why? Convenience? Not quite. Well there's the aircon, the english speaking priest, and more chances of seeing a familiar face. But then don't these all defeat the purpose of worship? Whatever happened to sacrifice? It's not like i can even understand the priest right? I wonder how far religion will reach as time passes.. as the years go by, more and more people lose meaning in religion because of all the new ideas and philosophies the modern world is bringing.

Anyway this Sunday i realized why I still choose to attend this monotonous supposed celebration. Its one place i can gather my thoughts and think. Every time I'm in mass, my mind wanders off to places light years away.. sort of like the thoughts you get before you sleep. Its during mass that i have time to reflect on the events that have happened to me lately, the peopleI've been with, and my current state. So yes, the church has in its own way become my sanctuary and source of reflection... its always healthy to reflect on yourself once in a while.

I cant say i believe in god. Does that make me so bad a person? When i pray, its always, "if You're really there, thanks for everything."

During our 4th year retreat in Baguio, Fr Ed talked about how life is all about relationships... that there are 3 relationships you have to take care of as you live: first there's God up above. the second is the people around you, and the third is your relationship with yourself. Your goal is to maintain these relationships. And so i realized how I naturally chose to live--I take good care of the two concrete relationships: others and myself. These are what are here now. And so i still uphold the same values the church teaches about love of neighbors and yourself. I guess the only difference is my unknown relationship with god. Does that make me evil? One can never know.

I wanna be a taoist. The inner peace thing makes so much more sense. You don't focus on a god but rather, people. Also, if millions of people all over the world believe in ideas like reincarnation and nirvana, what makes them so wrong? I just don't fully agree when people say Christianity is the only way to salvation. But i doubt I'm changing religion.. don't see much reason why id waste time doing so.

I think religion is man's answer for the questions meant not to be answered. I think man created religion to give a reason for living, to give him direction towards a certain goal he's not even sure exists. We all need one.

Supernatural:
No experiences whatsoever. I have no idea if ghosts exist. one thing i do know, if i encounter a ghostly experience that I'm sure was something unreal, my wandering faith will definitely find its destination.

Here's what i DO believe: there's a reason for everything. I don't know if there's someone out or UP there that controls the events in our lives but i know things happen for a reason. The challenge is finding out what that reason is :)

Sometimes I just wish I could die already so that all my questions would be answered. But of course, I'm happy. I don't think i'm a "lost soul". I hardly ever think about these things. there's no point in questioning all the time. I just let my life pass and make the most out of it while its still in the palm of my hand. So for those who keep searching for those answers, stop wasting your time. They will come to you eventually.

hehe.. i can be prophetic after all...

if someone can prove me wrong, by all means, please do.

Personal Convictions

2008-03-15T14:43:00.000+08:00

loveIn a paper written for Theology class dated JUNE 27, 2006.

--------------------

My Personal Convictions

At age 20, you’ve supposedly just surpassed the awkward stage of adolescence, where you search far and wide for that identity you never seemed to have. You’ve graduated grade school and high school, where you learn about Science, Math, Civics and Culture, and of course, Christian Living. You now know what “peer pressure” is, not because of your D.A.R.E. classes, but from actual experience. You’ve tried to love and probably lost it, and in turn, you keep trying to get Love figured out. You’ve questioned what or who God is several times over and of course, the inevitable search for the meaning of life.

I’ve done all of this of course. All my years growing up have taught me all sorts of lessons. My perception of what’s right and wrong has modified itself too many times over. I’ve learned that there are so many incidents in life where circumstance dictates what’s right and wrong. Many situations are relative, and the line between right and wrong grows thinner by the day. Even my perception of God is cloudy. To me, God is that Supreme Being, the Universal Spirit that is the sole purpose for everything that occurs. He comes in several names: Christ, Buddha, Brahma, etc. I think what all beliefs have in common is Love. God is LOVE.

I’d like to think I am spiritual, but I am not so religious. I am not a very devout Catholic. Honestly, I hardly pray at night. The only religious thing I am still doing is attending mass every Sunday with my family. I hardly attend confession and I haven’t opened the Bible in a very long time. I also do not believe that one will go to hell if he does not believe in Jesus Christ, because I believe in the natural goodness of people. I believe that a person can still be a good person even if he does not attend mass on Sundays, or if he doesn’t open the Bible. I’ve learned that there are 3 relationships you juggle in life: one with God, with others, and yourself. I’ve been focusing more on the latter two; I have yet to find a solid relationship with God.

Although my relationship with God is quite vague, I do have my personal convictions, and these beliefs are what I have stood for, and what guides my decisions.

I believe in TRUTH and HONESTY above all others. I try my best to avoid lying. I believe that the need to lie simply means there is something wrong with your relationship with that person. I try not to give myself any reason to lie to people. Goodness is Truthful, because we are naturally inclined toward the good. Everything follows from there.
I stand for SIMPLICITY because it is NATURAL. I love nature, and the environment. I am actively against pollution and wasting resources. I look down upon technological dependence and urban living. I choose not to spend on useless belongings, especially when it comes to fashion and gadgets, unless absolutely necessary. I shop once in a blue moon solely at tiangges (Divisoria!), and I avoid make-up.
I believe in doing things that make me GROW as a person. I believe in developing talents and skills, and making the most out of every situation.
I believe that it is good to stand back and reflect about things, to not always be swayed by the flowing river of modern living.
It is absolutely necessary to respect every living creature—animals, plants, and especially human beings.
I will NEVER spend for vices. Alcohol, rarely.
I have no right to complain about my life, for I try to keep in mind that there are millions of people who have it a lot worse. I am forever GRATEFUL for all my blessings.

All that one needs to survive the ever changing road of life (Taken from my personal journal):

HONESTY. To others and especially myself.
AN OPEN MIND. I know that I do NOT know (everything). (Socrates)
LOVE. The genuine concern for others.
CONVICTION. As mentioned above
PATIENCE. Patience is everything.

I am just about to embark on the 2^nd quarter of my life, and I still have so much to learn. I hope my personal convictions hold true to the many tests that lie ahead. So help me God, wherever or whoever You may be.

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Introduction

2008-03-15T14:19:00.000+08:00

This is my first entry into this blog. I'm not new at internet blogging. I've had an account on Livejournal since 2003, which is still active and updated every now and then. However, I'll be posting my more serious thoughts on this blog... the thoughts I have while driving through Metro Manila's traffic, doing my 20min runs, sitting on the toilet, spacing out during mass, or simply spacing out whenever (as I do that quite often).

This is my perspective-- a female, 23 year old middle class Filipino citizen living in the heart of Metro Manila, Philippines. A college graduate from Ateneo de Manila, a former National Team athlete, an absolute nature and outdoors lover--scuba diving, adventure racing, surfing, wakeboarding, wallclimbing, windsurfing, sailing, swimming, running, hiking, camping... I've tried and loved it all. An extrovert and/or introvert depending on my mood, where I am, and who I'm with. Like everyone else, I enjoy watching films and reading books about life, love, and anything that sparks my interest at that given point in time.

At 23 and done with school, and I have just stepped through the doors of adulthood, trying my luck in my first Marketing job in a hip and fun retail company, and still searching for opportunities that will ultimately lead to my main purpose for being born on this specific century in history, in this struggling country, and on this particular diminishing planet. Everything has a purpose--if its anything I believe, it's that.

... Always in search of something (and someone) refreshingly weird and anything different to surprise me and challenge the way I look at the world, which will probably be the reason behind every new article posted here.

Who knows? It might make a difference... one way or another.